i dont usually post vents on the internet, im sort of one to not talk about my feelings and keep things like this to myself but i just want to fucking say some shit and leave it here. maybe for future reference so i can come back to it when things arent shitty and laugh about it.


this fucking school year has been the worst. im even cyber schooled and the work and responsibility combined with everfything fucking else im going through is a horrible combination of things and as a result, ive had -300 motivation to put effort into practically everything school related this year. its fucking horrible and i hate it. im so sick of beingin school. sooo sick holy shit. ive wasted quite literally my entire fucking life on school and im so ready to just be done but i still have two years to go, three years if i want to finish since i got fucking held back last year because i was missing LITERALLY ONE CREDIT that i didnt get because of some fucking math class. im probably going to get held back this year because ive done so bad this year so far i dont know if i can redeem myself before school ends. great! thats a whole fucking four years that i still have to do this shit and its my fault. it makes me so fucking angry but also sad.

ive been sick, too, ive felt so shitty lately and my mom got an email from my teacher earlier and was angry and basically i feel like a fucking failure. i tried explaining myself but she just threatened to put me back in public school. i cant go back to public school, ill be fucking bullied everyday and people will use the wrong pronousn on me and ill be sad i just fucking cant. i left that school four years ago BECAUSE of bullying and since them, ive come out trans and people will bully me even fucking harder for that and im scared. im legitimately scared.

next week i have to go get evaluated by a psychiatrist so that i can get diagnosed with a learning disorder for math. i dont know if i actually have a learning disorder, probably not, ive just been slacking math since 4th grade and i just never redeemed myself and ive fallen so far behind. at least thatll be a ticket excuse to keep me safe when it comes to the keystone tests. but i wont be doing those next year anyway if im going to fail again. buuuuuuuut im afraid of doctors so im actually scared to go get evaluated! great! thats something to look forward to!

im ready to be done with school and get a job, a car, a life! not that anyone actually WANTS to get a job because jobs are"fun", but because if youre human and you dont have a job, youre useless to everyone else. most jobs arent fun, especially first jobs. i aspire to become a tattoo artist, man, you dont even need to graduate to do that, you just need to be 18, but what am i going to do until then? i have fucking things to pay off. im expected to get a car, if not this year, next year and ill have to pay for that. i have shit i want to do and im expected to do soon but im not even allowed to get a job until im doing satisfactory in school and all of this FUCKING pressure is making it so unbelievably hard to do well in school.

distance, too, thats another thing thats fucking stressing the hell out of me. my boyfriend lives across state, hes the reason that im still motivated to be alive and well in this situation. i look forward to seeing him every month, we talk almost constantly. right now, im relying so heavily on him and i feel so bad. we are fine, everything is fine, but distance is a bitch and it fucking sucks. when im with him, everything is perfect and we are both happy. he has problems with his mother, though, she abuses him emotionally and she doesnt give a shit about it. she acts like shes sorry and then she turns around, tells everyone hes cried out for help to that everything he said was bullshit and does it all again. so im always fucking worried about him and how hes doing. hes going on 9 months clean (self harm recovery), used to harm himself quite literally EVERYDAY and im the reason he stopped. im coooooonstantly worrying about him falling back into that and every time hes upset i get really scared even though he promises he wont.

earlier in november he kicked a kid that harassed us (off school property) on the bus in the stomach and the kids parents decided to get him in legal trouble for it. hes in an alternative school for fucking standing up for himself, basically. he has to fucking go to court sometime this month, we are still waiting on the date for that. he has a fucking probation officer and everything and will have one until july. fortunately, he didnt get placed as a resident in this alternative school, because if he had, we wouldnt be able to communicate at all, only on weekends and holidays. the residents ONLY come home on weekends and holidays and for the longest time we were fucking horrified that he would be placed. im glad he wasnt, but everything still fucking sucks and its stressful for both of us.


with this whole deviantART ban thing, ive been cut off from pretty much all of my fucking friends online. SOME of them are on FA and nabyn but most of them were over there and people dont know where the hell i went and theres no way for them to find out where i went now because of this fucking stupid IP ban. deviantART rejected my appeal and basically didnt believe a fucking word i said. im just going to have to wait to get a new router or to move into an entirely new house but by then everyone will have forgotten about me. i used deviantART for almost 6 years before i was banned and im pretty fucking disappointed, even though the sites staff had gone to shit. i was making money there too, and now, all i have is FA and nobody buys anything from me here barely ever so im short of money. i actually got a paypal set up just a few days prior to being banned, originally because A LOT OF PEOPLE ON DEVIANTART WERE INTERESTED IN BUYING THINGS FROM ME! oh but now im here and nobody buys shit, what the fuck was the point of that even then.

cigarettes too. cigs, cigs, cigs, cigs, cigs, cigs, cigs. ive been so stressed out lately that theyre on my mind all the time, everyday. my friends mom rolls me cigarettes every now and again, i think i have myself all set up and that im gonna save them and make them last but im just such a fucking mess that they never do and i wind up smoking the 8 cigarettes their mom gave me in 2 days and then i just plummet into a fucking angry and even more disturbed void that drags on forever and makes everything worse. i have access to them when im with dans family, they buy them for us and they try to make sure we have enough to last us, they understand and they just want us to be happy. im pissed that i have to rely on other people for them, its fucking stupid. i hate hate HATE having to rely on ADULTS to buy me things because im a year and a half from being old enough to legally buy them myself. i have money and i would be more than happy to buy them myself if i was legally able to. when i dont have any i dream about them, about smoking them, holding them, touching them, stealing them, buying them- its fucking crazy and i have a problem, i know, but i am in no condition right now to fucking fix that and honestly its the least of my concern.

and on top of all of that, fucking dysphoria and all of this other trans shit! i started therapy to get approved for testosterone last month, i need to get 12 sessions in before i can actually start hormones. we can only afford to go twice monthly, thats 6 fucking months. the basic plan is four times a month, every week, for three months, god i wish we had the money to do that. i could help with that, if id get a JOB but im far to hesitant to get a job or car because im uncomfortable with being in public and being recognized as female, i just cant fucking do it. in 4 months (june) ill finally start hormone therapy and hopefully after that ill start feeling better about myself, i can get shit changed and get a job. im planning on getting a job around the start of the next school year, because by then ill be ready to actually begin my life. it all comes down to this, really, its the primary reason im so stressed over shit, it has me down all the time, i feel like i cant even begin my life or do good until i am truly myself and it stupid. i know its stupid.

i cant wait for june to roll around. summer, oh summer. last summer, i spent the entire summer by dans side and i was the happiest guy in the world legit. when i think back to last summer, i can almost feel it, that free feeling i had. i was so happy. i cant wait for that to come back around again, i cant wait and im glad its only 4 months away. dans moving in with his dad this summer, too, after his probation ends (he can go see his dad, he just cant change residences until its over). instead of six hours away, he will be an hour away. next school year, ill have a job and a car and ill do good. my parents even expect me to move in with his dad around next year. itll all be okay then. but thats all so far away. i just feel so far away from everything i want, i feel so far away from happiness and i dont know what to do. i cant help but be sad.

wow i really needed to get that out. being a person sucks. responsibilities suck.