Most every evening Goldilocks
Snacks from Kitty's litterbox.
Then on command, she gives her missus
Lots of little doggie kisses.

The Deavers' errant pit bull, Cass,
Bit the postman on the ass.
Her lower teeth destroyed his sphincter;
Now his walk's a bit distincter.

A naughty St. Bernard named Don
Finds Polly's Kotex in the john.
He holds the blood-steak in his jaws,
And mourns her coming menopause.

Dachsund Skip from Winnipeg
Loves to hump his master's leg.
Every time he gets it up, he
Stains Bill's calves with unborn puppy.

Each night old Bowser licks his balls
Then falls asleep til nature calls.
He poops a stool and, though it's heinous,
Bends back down and licks his anus.

—David Sedaris, "Poems About Dogs"