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I HATE MYSELF. WHY DIDN'T I ACT SOONER
10 years ago
I had a bad feeling earlier. I just felt depressed while talking to someone on Twitter. I started talkign about how bad I felt around this time of year.
So guess what happened? I Get told by someone I know that he was goign to really do it this time. You knwo what it means. So I tear the hell out as fast as I can on an almost-healed-broken ankle to his house and find his sister franticall ybanging on the door to get hsi attention. Third person comes in as we're frantigcally trying to get into the house after having caleld 911 about a potentia lsuicde. Then I get this brilliant idea...
...go all Bigby on this and try to get in through the window. I smack the window with one of my crutches, don't do a thing, so I throw a brick through it. Person C goes into the house and his sister climbs in through the window and then we hear an ear-piercing scream because guess where he was?
HANGING FROM THE ROOF.
The only reason I havent' drowned the whole world yet by now is because I cried os much I deghydrated myself. I couldnt' even drink a MIke's HArd. A FUCKING MIKE's HARD.
I said I'd go without a mental breakdown well guess what I FUCKING HAD ONE ANYWAY!!!! ARRRAGAHAGHAGH!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!!! I coudl have at least told his sister to check up on him or went in but no I worked myself into a hyseric frenzy for nothing!!!!
So guess what happened? I Get told by someone I know that he was goign to really do it this time. You knwo what it means. So I tear the hell out as fast as I can on an almost-healed-broken ankle to his house and find his sister franticall ybanging on the door to get hsi attention. Third person comes in as we're frantigcally trying to get into the house after having caleld 911 about a potentia lsuicde. Then I get this brilliant idea...
...go all Bigby on this and try to get in through the window. I smack the window with one of my crutches, don't do a thing, so I throw a brick through it. Person C goes into the house and his sister climbs in through the window and then we hear an ear-piercing scream because guess where he was?
HANGING FROM THE ROOF.
The only reason I havent' drowned the whole world yet by now is because I cried os much I deghydrated myself. I couldnt' even drink a MIke's HArd. A FUCKING MIKE's HARD.
I said I'd go without a mental breakdown well guess what I FUCKING HAD ONE ANYWAY!!!! ARRRAGAHAGHAGH!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!!! I coudl have at least told his sister to check up on him or went in but no I worked myself into a hyseric frenzy for nothing!!!!
I know we can't offer much, but I'm here for you if you need me. and I know that i'm not alone saying that. your friends are here for you.
please let us help if we can.
Like Shiro said, let us help.
*hugs you really really tight* If there's anything I can do to help you, all you need to do is ask. Anything you want, I'll try to do something to make you happy. Like HG3300 said, me and him are here for you, not to mention you've got Ben and Kasa in the Skype chat to talk to as well. Most everyone else in this journal too are gonna be looking out for your best interests, too.
I'll have my phone close to me all day, so if you need someone to talk to over on Twitter, all you gotta do is Tweet me and I'll respond :)
And I'll always be around for you, bro :)
You could not have known.
Having a suspicion, a guess, is not the same as knowing.
You could not have known.
You did not do this, he did it on his own.
You did not do this.
Repeat after me:
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
But from now on, you will forever be more considerate of those who are depressed. You will be more thoughtful. You will be kinder. You may even be more giving and helpful to others in your life who might go through this some day. To everyone.
Hindsight is 20/20. Clarity only exists in context. You could not have predicted this. This is not your failure. There is nothing wrong with you. You feel guilty because you are a good, conscientious person. You cry because you care. But this is not your fault. You did not fail.
His death is a tragedy. Grieve, be sad, let your feelings flow. But live on. Live for him.
Who was not told.
*hugs you gently*