PLEASE, I know this is a long read, but I feel it's something that everyone should know about me.

So I've been doing some thinking recently... It's the thing you do when a back-strain injury from work lands you in bed on pain medication for a whole day (Going on 2) . Ever since I started my current job I got less and less sleep, for roughly 2 years straight I averaged about 3-4 hours each night. And over those years I grew more and more disconnected with my friends and family. My anxiety and depression were constantly nipping at my heels and the crushing sensation of feeling worthless firmly rooted at the back of my mind. Ever since I had to stop going to art school for lack of funds, without that constant push for productivity, I was left to my own motivations for creative outlets. It wasn't enough, every time I would try to push myself to create, my self-doubt and procrastination would snuff out just about all of my attempts. Day by day the things I loved like gaming and music were more of a distraction than an enjoyment. I'd dug myself so deep that I just wanted to forget everything, staying up almost all night just so I wouldn't have to be fully conscious the next day, just to run on auto-pilot at my job and simply get by trying to forget how much I felt I let myself down.
I have been getting better though... I started seeing a therapist, something I should have done years and years ago, back in High School at least... I've done a lot, reflecting on my problems and discovering where they come from, what they're trying to tell me... But I've still got a long way to go... When I first started therapy sessions I started feeling tremendously better! But, the more aware I became of my anxieties and emotional difficulties, the more often I recognized them. Every day I could see how negativity would latch itself on and I'd struggle to not spread it around. More and more, I'd watch in horror as I could see myself slide right back down the same hole that I had just climbed out of. It's gotten bad enough that I let my anger and frustration boil over, burning the ones that I love with hateful words... And as the sparks flew my horror only grew, knowing I could never take those words back, knowing how much of a mistake I made.
I'm so sick of this person I've become... so sick of falling into the same bad habits, so sick of wasting my time on meaningless escapes, so sick of isolating myself from my friends and family, some of which I haven't spoken to in years... so sick of feeling like I have nothing to share, no progress to show... so sick of worrying about money problems and debt that basically had no benefit, so sick of holding myself back, and so sick of dwelling on my past mistakes.
I've put my loved ones through so much over the years, I know I'd probably give up or go crazy if I had to deal with someone just like me... I can't thank them enough for at least keeping themselves open for me. I feel so sorry for the ones that had to deal with all of my negative emotions and outbursts... especially Cara...
All I want is to move forward, to cross those bridges that I kept telling myself were long gone or forgotten... and to repair the ones that I burned on my own... Its funny how, missing so much sleep lets you forget about things, and how a simple rest away from work can make things so clear, the good and the bad...
If you read all of this I can't thank you enough, but please, if you did, please don't stay silent... I've tried that, trust me, it doesn't work.