All aboard!!

👑, you go gurl! I am impressed! You didn’t give up. No. You went down to the airport and found your bags. On behalf of all of us who have been man-handled by the merciless and unforgiving travel system, I applaud you. I know you are battle scarred and weary from dealing with those blood suckers, but now you can rest, confident in your triumph.
You look fabulous and fierce. Just ignore the haters. You are giving it, and you are so awesome that we can’t even handle it. Love your selfie, and the new hair length is so soft and flattering. Thank you for giving us a peek, darling. And your store envy opening… an unexpected treat. You just keep on going. How do you do it?

There. I have been on my best behavior. I have been polite, courteous, receptive to courtesy… and even sincere.

Um… so if 👑 or any of her fan base are reading this… You have reached your destination. It is time to roll to a stop, unfasten your seat belts, disembark and head to the baggage carousel.

In other words, stop reading. You don’t have a ticket to ride.

Now… for the rest of you- which I imagine to be one or two passengers… stay on board as we head to points further south.
Ok, she’s gone. Let’s get into it.

So 👑 has a lot of baggage. And whether you watch me- or her- you likely know that already. Her travels- or should I say travails, trials and tribulations just keep on coming, don’t they? Not that her baggage is heavier than anyone else’s- it just feels that way, doesn’t it? Let’s face it, even Jerry Springer would blush if 👑 opened up her baggage on his show. “I draw furry porn” I believe it would say. (If you haven’t seen the show, I congratulate you for having a life.) I can only wonder what the baggage handlers think when they rifle through her belongings. But I empathize with 👑. I have been through the airport mill. Like you, I have more than my fair share of horror stories. I’ve been ogled, my possessions have been fondled, and I’ve even had artwork destroyed. The one highlight is getting the occasional groping. And nobody even bothered to do that on my last trip. I guess I don’t look suspicious enough in my old age. It’s become my goal in life to never step into another airport. We shall see. So back to 👑 and her bags. As we learned of her plight, you gave her many tips on what to do and how to avoid this problem in the future. Some of you even suggested she pack a firearm in her bag next time. It left me with visions of ATF agents (alcohol, tobacco, and furry porn) swooping in to her Greenville compound. In the end she picked the wisest and most logical course, which was to go back to the airport and visually inspect any unclaimed luggage. Of course, there it was for anyone to see. And I’m sure the attendant berated poor, long suffering 👑 for not thinking of coming in sooner to claim her bags. God forbid anyone at the airline take responsibility and call her up. I wish I had been clever enough to suggest 👑 go down there and look for her bags, but I wasn’t. I could have been a hero. But I’m not.

So 👑 found her bags. And, understandably, she wanted us to share in her…joy. After all, we were there for her. We did nothing to help, but we were there for her. So upon notifying us that her bags were recovered she decided to reward us with a selfie. Personally, darlings, if there was any joy to be found- I didn’t see it. Clearly 👑 was conveying a different message: that she was tired. Yes, our long-suffering heroine was tired. Tired from travel, tired from dealing with airport snafus, and- I suspect, tired of YOU and your s%#t! That’s just my opinion. But the picture speaks volumes. Let’s discuss:

Where O where to begin? Let’s see. Let’s go back to her bags. How kind of her to show off her bags in the selfie for all to see. No, I don’t mean the bags she singlehandedly recovered from the airport. Certainly not. I mean the ones under her eyes. Yes, those bags. Before you get into a hissy fit and start lecturing me about her kidney issues, let me remind you that I graciously refrained from making any comment on her submission regarding her appearance- unlike many of you. Of the many, many comments, (and I read each and every one) the one I thought was most fitting- and also the most offensive- was  zakavatarz all-encompassing “Gurl, you need a touch up.” I suppose this simple yet most relevant of statements could be interpreted in several ways. Confronted by 👑 and her entourage, the statement maker backed off, in a sort of “This is what Vice President Biden really meant to say” moment and said: “What I actually mean is that you should get some sleep”. Although 👑 had scores of defenders telling her how radiant her “natural” beauty was, how sexy she was, there were also more… constructive comments. Suggesting she might want to reach for a bottle of hair dye. Or a tube of concealer. Personally… I thought she should have reached for Photoshop. What? 👑 of all people knows how to digitally manipulate an image. I mean- in the age of the perfected selfie, has she learned nothing from the Kardashians? Even Khloé is putting out fabulous selfies these days. Yes, Khloé. I’m so proud of my Koko. She’s finally becoming a woman. She’s got her hair resolved… after all these years. The new trout pout is a bit much but at least she’s moving in the right direction. There’s no excuse anymore. I’m no prize myself, but when I have to do a pr picture, you better believe it’s airbrushed to within an inch of its life. Should you expect any less of Queen 👑?

Perhaps there’s a method to Roo's raw appearance. When George W. Bush rolled into New Orleans three months after hurricane Katrina, some aide told him to remove his tie and jacket and roll up his sleeves- and to look like he cared. Perhaps the Queen is sending a similar message: Look! Look how she has suffered for you, you of little faith. Behold the lengths that she has gone to in order to satisfy you. Traveling to the ends of the earth, slaying mighty airline dragons, working late into the night to provide you with bread and circus. I am reminded of another queen. Marie Antoinette. She posted the occasional selfie too. Of course hers were done in oil paint. She used her selfies to remind the impoverished masses that, yes, she had suffered, too. In one poignant “selfie” she is posing with an empty crib- a reminder that her child had died. I suppose she really had suffered- but she didn’t need bags under her eyes to convey that fact. She still looked like a Queen. Now that I think about it… maybe that did not work to her advantage. It certainly didn’t pacify the masses. Perhaps 👑 is on to something.

Looks like we have reached the end of the line.
Love, D-