So by the name of the title, this sounds like it's gonna be about my absence away from here, but it's not. I'm gonna be venting about depression and loneliness, so you can turn back now before you sink any deeper.

First off, I feel so ashamed of my negative attitude when I should really be super happy rn. My older sister just gave birth to an adorable baby boy just a few days ago. He's the sweetest thing and I'm happy for her, but I can't seem to shake off this deep loneliness in my heart...

To catch you up...if you're even reading...my mate Crimson went up to Wyoming last month to his family and will be up there for a good long while because of this job opportunity he got. Now I'm not upset at him at all, in fact I know this is for the best for him (and us), I'm just longing for him since his family is very pushy with keeping him up there longer than he plans. Hell, just the first day he was there, he told me they were already wanting to extend his time up there...
So he's working on getting his GED rn and is succeeding greatly, but by the sounds of things, he'd be a lot better off staying up there through college, and god knows how long that'll take... He doesn't want to, and I don't really want him too either, but it's what's best and..I kinda do want him to because it's for the best, but- GAH it's just so many emotions scrambling through my mind! I want him to succeed, but we both wanna be selfish and just reunite!
Prior to his departure, we were both spending as much time as possible together and now that embrace is gone and I've just about gone numb to all of the sadness. We have friends down here, and though he's all alone up there with a family he can barely connect with, and I'm with everyone down here - I feel just as lonely. I can't seem to connect with anyone anymore and I just feel separated from each group. I know it's probably all in my head, but I just feel unwanted when he's not down here...
For example, I came out not long before Crimson left that I was genderfluid and it seems none of my close friends took it to heart. It was a huge relief to come out confidently, but only one has really called me by the correct pronouns, In fact, one of my closer friends just told me to tell him every time I see him what gender I feel most like once I see him. Like, sometimes I don't have a gender, can you just respect that? My mate had a hard time adjusting, but he fully supported me, and I just feel like I've lost all the support and care from everyone since he left...

So with all of this happening with my relationships, I'm kinda stuck at home just sitting on my bed on the phone, watching anime, reading manga, or going to work each day. I have no ventilation because I'm not an artist and can't scribble my emotions down on a piece of paper, I don't write anymore because my talent for it has gone down the drain and once I hold a pencil and paper, the motivation drains out of me, and I feel like there's no one to talk to...especially cry to. My body just won't allow me to cry to anyone, and I know I need that more than anything rn. I talk to Crimson about it, but I feel like it just puts worry on him when that's the last thing he needs...so I try to keep away from doing that. I snapped at my dad the other night and then broke down in front of my mom, and even though they say they care, I can't talk to them about everything bothering me. I'm scared shitless to came out genderfluid to the family because long ago when I came out lesbian, I was literally shunned by half of them, so that's something that permanently has to stay shut in. I love my family with all my heart, but when I need breaks away from them, I get scolded and acted like a stranger the next day. When I ever mention my depression, they have always seemed like it's an "excuse". It's gotten better since the past, but it's still impossible to talk about around them... It's all just an "attitude".

This is just a clusterfuck of just a sprinkle of what's going on in my head, so I guess I'll stop there. Sorry for wasting your time.