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What's been going on with me.
11 years ago
General
This post is supposed to be a TFF Recap. But a few weeks out, I think I'm a little late on the draw. I probably should explain what's been going on since I last posted here.
I'll begin with job. It's tangible and easy to explain...
I've still not gone back to finish training. Work has gotten fantastically messy. The other MUA I mentioned, he had to go for two weeks, leaving me as the only one when his child was born. That was expected. What wasn't expected was immediately a week after he came back, he got offered a job with the railroad. So basically I am now the sole of my position in my region. We have another in training, but it's still going to be a few weeks before I see him come out of training. Boss is trying to keep me up. Says that if I need help to tell him, but I'm not good at that. I mean I like the guy, he's the reason I haven't just said "fuck it" and ran, but as I even explained to him, I've had a bad history with bosses being jerks so It's tough for me to think of going to them for support. I keep trying to keep it in mind, but like today I worked a 13 hour workday.... I'm just getting tired.
On the less tangible side... I've kind of been in a shutdown too. Days where I do get off early, where I should be getting stuff done, I don't. I sit. I just exist. There are times I break away from it and meet people, but they're more the rarity than the norm. I've been told by a couple people to see a doctor about depression, but I've tried before, I am terrified of meds, and plus with my CDL I don't know if I can take anything. I realize these are all excuses to explain away why I don't work up the courage or willingness to go. I admit I don't want to do this by myself...
I've tried to ignore it. I can be happy in crowds, at times, etc. It's possible. But I felt it a couple days ago where I was having a good day, a happy day, but the best way I can explain is feeling at the edge of my vision is a black haze of it all coming back. *shrugs* I know that when these times come, I just can't even bring myself to coming on here to type these out, to interact or even have a presence.
I just felt you guys needed an explanation where I've been. Why I take so long to respond to things. I do have some people trying to help me through it, so don't get me wrong in thinking I don't have anyone to talk to about all this.
-Azal
I'll begin with job. It's tangible and easy to explain...
I've still not gone back to finish training. Work has gotten fantastically messy. The other MUA I mentioned, he had to go for two weeks, leaving me as the only one when his child was born. That was expected. What wasn't expected was immediately a week after he came back, he got offered a job with the railroad. So basically I am now the sole of my position in my region. We have another in training, but it's still going to be a few weeks before I see him come out of training. Boss is trying to keep me up. Says that if I need help to tell him, but I'm not good at that. I mean I like the guy, he's the reason I haven't just said "fuck it" and ran, but as I even explained to him, I've had a bad history with bosses being jerks so It's tough for me to think of going to them for support. I keep trying to keep it in mind, but like today I worked a 13 hour workday.... I'm just getting tired.
On the less tangible side... I've kind of been in a shutdown too. Days where I do get off early, where I should be getting stuff done, I don't. I sit. I just exist. There are times I break away from it and meet people, but they're more the rarity than the norm. I've been told by a couple people to see a doctor about depression, but I've tried before, I am terrified of meds, and plus with my CDL I don't know if I can take anything. I realize these are all excuses to explain away why I don't work up the courage or willingness to go. I admit I don't want to do this by myself...
I've tried to ignore it. I can be happy in crowds, at times, etc. It's possible. But I felt it a couple days ago where I was having a good day, a happy day, but the best way I can explain is feeling at the edge of my vision is a black haze of it all coming back. *shrugs* I know that when these times come, I just can't even bring myself to coming on here to type these out, to interact or even have a presence.
I just felt you guys needed an explanation where I've been. Why I take so long to respond to things. I do have some people trying to help me through it, so don't get me wrong in thinking I don't have anyone to talk to about all this.
-Azal
Love you dearly sweetie, I have those times too. I know you'll get through it. <33
Do not be worried about going to your boss if it just gets too much. Might seem awkward, but think about it this way -- he is seriously invested in making sure you can handle the task right now, because if you burn out, he's gonna have a whole pile to deal with and nobody to take care of it.
Listen to the dragon. Your boss seems like a decent person, and he's in a crunch, too.
And don't be afraid to seek help. At least getting information is better than doing nothing and letting the steamroller run you over.
Please be safe. I've not so many friends left that I can afford to lose another one to something self-inflicted.
*hugs* In any case, I'm still here and willing to talk whenever. I ain't a therapist and I can't be of much help, but I'll at least stick around. I hope it makes a difference.