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Something I seriously need to get off my chest...
11 years ago
General
(Long-winded journal warning, but please read. Psychological pain is the worst type of pain to experience... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy - though I'd like to think I don't have any of those.)
So... this journal is mostly about some problems that seemingly happened ages ago; but problems keep happening and it's getting on my nerves... so I have to say something to attempt to stop this endless circle of events.
*takes a deep breath and tries to stop shivering*
What has brought on this reaction as well as this journal? I'll tell you... While reprocessing my earliest convention videos (VF and RF 2012) some memories resurfaced that keep on haunting me to this very day. At VF2012 and RF2012 there was a fursuiter who I became somewhat star-struck by... just the way they performed in suit as well as how awesome their fursuit really is. At RF I managed to talk to this fursuiter for the very first time... things couldn't have been going any better. Trouble is I was still very new to the fandom and to social media at this time, and some very obvious things hadn't yet dawned on me regarding the use of said social media... particularly when talking to popular people.
FC2013 was my very first big convention - that being over 3k people there. I was overwhelmed... not only with happiness but with some anxiety too as I wanted to meet a lot of people, but I wanted to spend some time with my favorite fursuiter as well. I'll admit I got a little on the clingy side, but not to the point where I was 'always there' as some would make it out to be. We did randomly bump into each other every now and again throughout the con, and I had a little something to say that was nagging on my mind, particularly because I had invited them to VancouFUR - my local furry con - and on the Sunday night I noticed they were actually running away from me (in suit). Of course I assumed they were playing and chased them... (now I know it was serious) and when they introduced me to their friend as "Have you met my stalker? He's from Canada too" I assumed again it was a playful banter. (Not so, apparently). Then at the end of the con I kinda came down with PCD early - on Monday when the con was winding down. I wasn't in my right mind, but some newfound friends really helped settle me down and I was able to say goodbye to my favorite fursuiter hand-to-paw and with a hug. Sadly this is the last time that would ever happen.
At every con since then my previously favorite fursuiter has ignored me - refused to talk to me - heck they even fail to make any eye-contact with me at all.
The only thing I ever wanted after FC2013 was to show my appreciation for putting up with me being a little bit star-struck over the fact I had actually met my favorite fursuiter in and out of suit, and for making my first FC one to remember for a long time. I know I somewhat overdid it by being a little clingy but I was nervous - and I apologized. (Being Canadian it's one thing I tend to do far too much).
But seriously... every attempt to communicate now is met with a negative response. They view me as a toxic person... and the most awful thing is I can't think why. I would have thought a fursuiter would be most appreciative to think that they made someone really happy just by being their bouncy, happy furry selves. Does wanting to show my appreciation for that joy makes me a toxic person? I know not... but to them it seems this is the case. I can't help but feel terrible... like I've done something really wrong to upset this person - and for the life of me I can't figure out exactly what pushed them over the edge like that. Normally when misunderstandings like this happen, things should be carefully talked over and explained... and then unfortunate circumstances like this won't happen. I didn't catch any of the warning signs though, and now this is the reality I have to face.
The worst part? I'm now on the verge of being terrified of this person... literally. At RF2013 and MFF2014 we kept happening across each others' path very awkwardly. I was having a panic attack under my suit whenever I saw them... eventually I worked up enough courage to attempt to talk, but I was instantly shot down by "Don't talk to me" and "I don't care" which instantly took the wind out of my sails. I had hoped things could be explained, simply and carefully... and then we could forget about this whole mess - but I need serious help with this. It has gotten to the point that I can't always enjoy a convention unless I know these unfortunate awkward crossings-of-paths whether in suit or otherwise won't happen.
For those of you who don't know, I am a person diagnosed with Autism-Spectrum-Disorder (specifically PDD-NOS) and I have some trouble telling the difference between being serious and telling jokes. This isn't to say I don't understand jokes at all, or that I'm always dead-serious because this isn't true. Those of you who know me know I can genuinely laugh as well as cry... however it means misunderstandings are bound to happen, and this particular case is literally driving me to insanity.
(If any of you know who I may be talking about, please don't bring this to their attention unless you know that they would be willing to read it through carefully and maybe talk things out either directly with me, or through you. I don't want to force anything, I just want my experiences to be heard).
FriendlyFox
So... this journal is mostly about some problems that seemingly happened ages ago; but problems keep happening and it's getting on my nerves... so I have to say something to attempt to stop this endless circle of events.
*takes a deep breath and tries to stop shivering*
What has brought on this reaction as well as this journal? I'll tell you... While reprocessing my earliest convention videos (VF and RF 2012) some memories resurfaced that keep on haunting me to this very day. At VF2012 and RF2012 there was a fursuiter who I became somewhat star-struck by... just the way they performed in suit as well as how awesome their fursuit really is. At RF I managed to talk to this fursuiter for the very first time... things couldn't have been going any better. Trouble is I was still very new to the fandom and to social media at this time, and some very obvious things hadn't yet dawned on me regarding the use of said social media... particularly when talking to popular people.
FC2013 was my very first big convention - that being over 3k people there. I was overwhelmed... not only with happiness but with some anxiety too as I wanted to meet a lot of people, but I wanted to spend some time with my favorite fursuiter as well. I'll admit I got a little on the clingy side, but not to the point where I was 'always there' as some would make it out to be. We did randomly bump into each other every now and again throughout the con, and I had a little something to say that was nagging on my mind, particularly because I had invited them to VancouFUR - my local furry con - and on the Sunday night I noticed they were actually running away from me (in suit). Of course I assumed they were playing and chased them... (now I know it was serious) and when they introduced me to their friend as "Have you met my stalker? He's from Canada too" I assumed again it was a playful banter. (Not so, apparently). Then at the end of the con I kinda came down with PCD early - on Monday when the con was winding down. I wasn't in my right mind, but some newfound friends really helped settle me down and I was able to say goodbye to my favorite fursuiter hand-to-paw and with a hug. Sadly this is the last time that would ever happen.
At every con since then my previously favorite fursuiter has ignored me - refused to talk to me - heck they even fail to make any eye-contact with me at all.
The only thing I ever wanted after FC2013 was to show my appreciation for putting up with me being a little bit star-struck over the fact I had actually met my favorite fursuiter in and out of suit, and for making my first FC one to remember for a long time. I know I somewhat overdid it by being a little clingy but I was nervous - and I apologized. (Being Canadian it's one thing I tend to do far too much).
But seriously... every attempt to communicate now is met with a negative response. They view me as a toxic person... and the most awful thing is I can't think why. I would have thought a fursuiter would be most appreciative to think that they made someone really happy just by being their bouncy, happy furry selves. Does wanting to show my appreciation for that joy makes me a toxic person? I know not... but to them it seems this is the case. I can't help but feel terrible... like I've done something really wrong to upset this person - and for the life of me I can't figure out exactly what pushed them over the edge like that. Normally when misunderstandings like this happen, things should be carefully talked over and explained... and then unfortunate circumstances like this won't happen. I didn't catch any of the warning signs though, and now this is the reality I have to face.
The worst part? I'm now on the verge of being terrified of this person... literally. At RF2013 and MFF2014 we kept happening across each others' path very awkwardly. I was having a panic attack under my suit whenever I saw them... eventually I worked up enough courage to attempt to talk, but I was instantly shot down by "Don't talk to me" and "I don't care" which instantly took the wind out of my sails. I had hoped things could be explained, simply and carefully... and then we could forget about this whole mess - but I need serious help with this. It has gotten to the point that I can't always enjoy a convention unless I know these unfortunate awkward crossings-of-paths whether in suit or otherwise won't happen.
For those of you who don't know, I am a person diagnosed with Autism-Spectrum-Disorder (specifically PDD-NOS) and I have some trouble telling the difference between being serious and telling jokes. This isn't to say I don't understand jokes at all, or that I'm always dead-serious because this isn't true. Those of you who know me know I can genuinely laugh as well as cry... however it means misunderstandings are bound to happen, and this particular case is literally driving me to insanity.
(If any of you know who I may be talking about, please don't bring this to their attention unless you know that they would be willing to read it through carefully and maybe talk things out either directly with me, or through you. I don't want to force anything, I just want my experiences to be heard).
FriendlyFox
*hugs* let me know if you ever want to talk. <3
*hugs* <3
Im sorry this happened to you *quiet hugs*
The short version is: You're gonna have to let this one go and use it as a learning opportunity.
I've met you in suit (RF 14, out in front of the hotel) and got a nice, friendly vibe. You didn't come off clingy (or any of the other stereotypes) to me.
The problem is, through circumstance and bad timing, you probably displayed a lot of signals that this fursuiter has had to deal with over the years from people who genuinely have been stalkery. Fursuiters at that level get people who just expect that this fursuiter is their new best friend and should spend all their time with them. They also never let go of social contact, don't understand the "I'm done with this conversation" cues, can't keep a conversation short, and so on.
It's possible, that by accident, you may have come across this way and that set off this fursuiter's alarms. Unfortunately, each time you tried to explain what had happened, it just further cemented their assumption that you were the same as other people have been. It's like a finger puzzle trap - the more you struggle to free yourself, the more you get stuck in the trap.
My advice is to just focus on *your* fursuiting and making people happy through your character. As time goes on, the new people who've interacted with you will say good things about meeting you, and that will become the reputation people know about you.
(And yes, this suiter and their friends were dicks to you. I don't know who it was, but I remember the comments from their "friends" connected to a video. A misunderstanding is one thing, but they went way beyond it into borderline slanderous territory. There's no point in trying to be friends with a crowd that self-important and petty. You are so much better than that.)
Please don't beat yourself up over it, whatever the case. *hugs* God bless you and be with you in all you do.