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I lost my "soul cat" yesterday
10 years ago
I met the little scrap of fur one day returning from school, my sister still lived in the trailer with me and mom with her daughter. My sister liked cats, she took in a cat that was found in our neighbor's garage before he was adopted by a friend of my mom's. But this cat, I loved her from the moment I met her. She was in this clothes basket trying to climb out, meowing. I took her out and I was scolded. I remember that we weren't supposed to have pets, but I played with the landlord's daughter and I just had a feeling so I let her wander out where she could be seen. She was picked up and played with, and we didn't get in trouble. I got scolded a bit. I also once attempted to "dry her" out of curiousity. When my sister moved out, she took her with her. But she was often yelled at for pooping outside of her litterbox, I remember scolding my sister for it. When my sister moved again... my sister had some fish. You know how cats usually are with fish? She would sit on the tank and watch them, but she WAY preferred the fish food over them. Then she came to live with us, because my sister couldn't keep her. I had a big tank of fish, she'd sit and wait for me to feed the fish so she could get some. She was never really a hunter, the most she hunted was bugs. She slept with me sometimes. But it wasn't until I saved our... now remaining elder cat angel from a friend that she started sleeping with me most of the time. Angel was supposed to be my cat, but it didn't work that way. She stayed with my mom and took over her other side of her bed. Angel used to be a fun kitten, but when we had to take in Snickers when my sister again had to move Angel changed. Snickers chased her all the time, and it caused her to be tempermental. God all those Christmas's where they'd have bows stuck on their heads or when angel climbed in the tree. I miss them. Babe and Snickers played with eachother, and we sometimes took her out on the porch with us when Angel hunted and babe explored.
She loved that fresh air, but that was all she could do since she was declawed by my sister. She never seemed like she was in pain or anything, and she knew how to fight without her claws. Using her teeth and weight of her paws. Babe was the weird type of cat, she made friends with a huge groundhog and tried (failed) with a skunk. It was awful since we all know who she slept with. Angel hunted ate their heads and left the rest for Babe. Even Biggirl lived with us for awhile in that house before my brother found a place. I had to watch Babe and Angel because of the road, angel constantly sat and laid down in it so I was often dashing and picking up a cat putting them across the road. when we moved in town I had to worry more about it, it was in that house I was first bitten by a cat. Snickers had bitten into Angel and me being in my foggy half asleep state poked her. Yeah that was a bad choice but im all about those. Snickers loved the windows in that house she could sun herself in her bed. When biggirl came, I was happy. Like really happy. I walked her everyday, and brushed her. Snickers teased the poor thing when she came inside. The puppies came, all eleven of them. I delivered most of them, and I was sad when the eleventh puppy didn't make it. We tried and tried but it wouldn't keep breathing. Snickers didn't know what to make of the noisy balls of fur. even more when we got that big rainstorm and we had to bring them all in so they wouldn't drown. The cats were not pleased. when the puppies were adopted I was sad, I named some of them. Biggirl played with the ones left, I still remember one night we had the last two indoors with their mom and I sang the jiggly puff song to them and they all cocked their heads.
There were a few times I picked my cat up from the old purina building and put her in my backpack until we got home. We were forced to move again... and I lost the man I called my dad. I didn't have the will to keep things going through the awkwardness between my mom and him. ...I went through a lot of things in this trailer. I drew a lot, but... I had this dream of being a veterinarian so I could better take care of my cats and other animals like the strays I often came across. This was the place that Angel almost died at, she was late coming home one night. So I made any noises I thought possible in my brain dictionary to scare off anything that might be after her while I called for her. I cried when I saw her bounding figure finally, but... as I found out with another bite to my face she was clearly harmed. After she got stitches, we learned that our landlord's cat Yeowler never came home. He was a friendly talkative tom-cat and its likely whatever bit angel killed him. It was at this house that I came home from school one day, to have my mom tell me to go take a look at my cat. Snickers avoided the room and us. As I came in and saw her on my bed I could see what my mom was talking about she did look funny. When I came closer, I could see that snickers had bit into her neck and it was causing her face to swell. I often scolded Snickers about biting by the sled dog's movie way. to show her hey that hurts. She got better with it but I never fully broke her of it. Lucky for her all Babe needed was for it to be drained. This is also when Babe got her teeth first cleaned and her bad ones removed. I paid for it myself. This was also the place where I met my first boyfriend who I spent a lot of time with. He was nice to them even though he was allergic to them like his mom and as I learned I was allergic to them too. He played with them and petted them much like I would, he even would gently lift them off the bed if we were using it not that that really worked anyways. They were always near me, and watched me. (you can skip the next two paragraphs)
I had never had a harder time in my life then trying to protect what I was brought up to know. Family. My family was my pride and joy. I worked extremely hard to maintain grades and to make them proud and happy. No matter how I felt. There was more to it then that though. I always thought of them, how things would disappoint them. I held onto so many stupid beliefs that what mattered most was family. But nobody saw that through my outburst, screams, tears and sudden taste in rock music that I was suffering a great burden for many years. I had an aunt and uncle, who I loved as if they were my parents and they treated me like their child most of the time. However... the other times my uncle took an un-wanted interest in me. I was horrified, scared, confused and disgusted. I cried so many times at night into my pillow as Babe looked on, I said nothing. For years, I told myself I was protecting my aunt. I was protecting my family. When really it wasn't just that, I didn't know what he would do to me or my mother. My only parent. If I lost her I'd be completely alone. I was scared. I was scared of the man who taught me fishing, who taught me how to drive a tractor and a fourwheeler.
I often faught with my mother, it always seemed like anymore all she had cared about was her boyfriend. She never saw what I saw, he bribed me to go to the store so he could get some, he'd call and never show my mom cancelling all our plans, he didn't like going to my choir concerts so my mother complained at me so I gave up on my dream of being a singer. We only ate take out food, and he only took us to bars and mcdonalds. He never invited us to his family get-togethers, I never went to his house the whole four years they were together. He tried to pour cold water on me, when I was staying up on the weekends to watch wolf's rain. I hated him, I hated him with all my heart. I hid at the graveyard at my grandfather's grave, or stayed after, or purposely getting detension. I didn't feel close at all to my mother anymore, she never thought about the fact that I didn't know this person. I didn't know if my only parent would be coming back home when she was late from going somewhere with him. We argued a lot, and I didn't eat often. I became suicidal from dealing both. I debated cutting my wristed but I wasn't numb enough, so I dug the sharp part of the nail scraper on the nail clippers across my flesh. I became so sad, I started assigning what I would give to my friends. what my will would look like. As my grades plummeted to an all time low, that I almost failed. My cats were my only comfort other then my boyfriend ya know before he became a mega douch'e. After I came out about everything, my heart was torn out. My family abandoned me, just tossed me on the side of the road like a piece of trash.
Most of all my aunt, who I protected over and over again by reminding her husband whenever he would mention his "gf" that he was married. She told me she believed me, and then turned around and called me a liar. My mother forced me to talk to the police, not that it did any good. I couldn't remember much at that point, being my memory was all but now swiss cheese. I talked to the school councilor too. It wasn't until I had to go through the pain of watching Snickers slowly suffer and then the trauma of watching her throw up blood while calling out to us. Then to praying and then burying her. I did nothing but cry for a month. I avoided being home, I ignored Babe and pushed her away much like everything else in my life. As the guilt ate at me. The same day a month later, I got my heartbroken by the person I had accepted as my mate. I went on mourning my cat and my relationship to the point I vomited if I became too upset, to where I was suicidal. Every year, I still think about how Snickers isn't around for thanksgiving anymore and I cry.
Babe, she always had problems since she was a kitten. After all we did live in a crooked trailer, with my crooked mom and my old crooked tailed cat. She always left "presents" when she didn't feel well. But after awhile she was doing it a lot and vomiting. So I took her to the vet and she got some laxatone. She didn't much like that stuff. We adopted a kitten then our neighbors pregnant cat adopted us. Babe didn't care much for the kittens. I delivered them, Mushie was afraid and wanted to move them so we moved the box over to the couch. Princess mothered the kittens after Mushie weaned them. It wasn't until they were older that Babe took an interest. Cali accidentally was sleeping next to her and realized that then took off. Cali then started rubbing up against her. But what was most astonishing, that the little runt Precious took to me and my normally jealous cat didn't mind. Precious could rub up against her and nothing. I could play with her and Babe wouldn't mind. She could even sleep on the bed. Precious loves to play, she lets me chase her and tickle her belly and maul her.
Babe was a special cat, she was my whole world. The reason I wanted to become a vet, the reason I still had hope for this horrible world.
Yesterday, I had to make the choice to put down my best friend. She was 14 years old, and very very sick. But it doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I look around and she's not there. That I realize for the rest of my very long life, I'll never see her again or spend another day with her. The vet gave her two months- two years to live... and she didn't even last another day before she struggled with breathing and struggled to get enough air to walk. I couldn't bear to see her like that... even as she knew she was dying...all she cared about was comforting me. I've had her for so long I don't know how to function without worrying about her care and spoiling her. ...Just the day before I went to Walmart and bought her toys and a window bed. I know, she would've never been completely better. But it doesn't change that I wished I still had her and that she didn't have to die by cancer. I had dreams that we would beat the world record when we were little. I had hoped that she would pass away, in her sleep eventually. God she was so scared, and I told her I'd be with her until the end... but the vet took her away. It was just last month my dog had to be put down, I cant handle losing them both. All I've been doing is crying, I don't think I'll ever find a cat as special as my Babe (baby) she'd always look at me and meow or wait to be called. I could pat the furniture and she'd come, she slept in my arm sometimes putting her paws and claws on my face like she was telling me to hold her tighter. She let me hold her and hug her all the time and when I needed to cry she'd let me cry on her. If she was teasing to be picked up or for food she'd paw at you to do so. She loved to play by having her belly rubbed or with her circle ball toy with the cardboard in it. If I was laying on the floor she'd hop down to lay with me. If I was sick she'd stay with me while I slept. She was my entire world, she was my baby and I don't know what im going to do now that she's gone.
I just miss her so much and it hurts so badly to no longer see her body or hear her meow