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My problems.. Im fine, just... Hurt....
10 years ago
Alright.. So this is going to be an update on what's been going on with both me an life problems. This will be an update on to why I've not been RPing as much as I used too, why I would suddenly stop RPing with him/her and before/during/after the RP... Yes this is going to be my FIRST real journal on something that is rather depressing. After nearly two months of thinking, frustration and debate.. I'm going to tell you all.. (Friends and stuffs).
==========================
When I got myself injured on my back (Chronic back pain) where my entire left side of my body, (Left side of body, arm and leg) was in horrible pain. It was as if someone was taking a fork that, stabbed into and down my left side before pulling out and letting the blood dry up and giving BAD pain. After taking BOOSTED pain pills (1 pill = the strength of 4 Advil's), it got to a point where I couldn't not.. And I mean I REALLY couldn't get out of bed, I took a month off. After from chiropractor to therapy... 2 weeks into my off I started to have what I call: The Shakes (Panic attacks).. What are they shakes? Well.. Imagine your playing a game, reading a book, eating or making food... When suddenly, your hand, limbs to your entire body starts to shake as if you'd swam a in the north pole's icy waters, and you couldn't stop shaking. Thus would make eating, sleeping, drinking water, moving around, thinking, etc.. Very difficult.. Anyways.. They started bit by bit when suddenly.. (Parents were gone on a cruise) I started to have them... But rather then having them end several hours later... They lasted over 50+ hours.. Soo.. from Friday of CONSTANT shaking, to Saturday at 11 pm, passing out from exhaustion and waking up on Sunday at 8 pm. After that.. a series of events where my dad noticed.. Drama.. And well.. I was held from going back to work since.. ''What If I had these shakes at work? How will it impact me, my life and the people around me?'' Of course there as pain and depression.
When we (me and parents) got a psychologist recommended from my doctor. He gave me a pill.. Where it not only CHANGED certain things in my body, but the thoughts and how I managed my life.... But if I forgot to take it in the morning.. Say at 9 am.. I would start to have massive head pain. Thus I take it (the pill) and I have to wait 3 days before the head pain would go away and I would be able to think again...
''What did the pill do to me?''
Well, after being ... Bullied horribly at school and the stress at work. (I will tell you what I did at work another time. It was cooking wise;) My patience meter.. Of how much I can handle a day was low.. Thus small bits of pain, comments or stress would cause these shakes at RANDOM time and end at an Unknown time. This pill. Stopped my shaking, but It reduced the amount of time I RPed, Being on Second Life to play or make things, thoughts of pain, able to handle shouting matches easier and coping that most of the society have.
Everything was going fine... But when I went to visit my grand parents on my mom's side. (When I was young, I didn't understand the comments and words they said.. But now I'm older, I understand what they say. They are kind, just.. They do not how to hold it back.) The comments they made.. Here is an Example that still baffles me today. My grand mother came up to me as I'm eating at the table and playfully tugged my nose and said.. ''You have a French nose. Like your father and ancestors from France, Europe. Just like your black hair.'' It was shocking... Not only did it hurt me... But it was.. Plain flat out rude. It's like saying FOR EXAMPLE. (NOT TO OFFEND ANYONE THIS IS AN EXAMPLE.) ''Are you a crazy? Like did you came out of a mental house? Cause your hair is messy and whacky.'' When I really just have bed head.
After coming home, the next day I suddenly felt this pain, this shaking.. I went down stairs to drink some water... When My dad asked me whats wrong? I replied that I had... This urge to kill, hurt, cause pain... Then it hit me... I had a RAGE attack. I know myself.. That If I went outside for a walk.. I might hurt someone. So I stood in the kitchen, shaking, unable to move or breath as my a part of me wanted to hurt, while another stood there crying, another held my rage in while another tried to find a solution... My mind was going crazy, I was talking fast, like those guys who have to talk fast during an Auction. I was frantic.. My dad hugged me and I cried.. Pretty hard.. After that.... I also realized, I've only had one RAGE attack out of the many dozens of Panic Attacks.
Soo.. Ever since that day.. I'm in my room longer, rarely outside, Reduced eating and sleeping less. Just on the computer or reading a book, hold up in my room all day. I've even noticed, I'm less sociable with my RL buddies, Talking with my parents or siblings. Heck, I'm even not talking to you guys on Skype or steam.. Just.. Not that much.. Just playing or reading books to keep my pain off to the side. Distracting it. I'm not running away from it.. It's just there.. I don't know how to push past it.. I'm stuck.
Then I had a dream.. But it wasn't a dream, It was a night mare. I will describe what they usually have in them. Violence, Graphic. VERY graphic nature, pain, death, hurt.. Mutilation.. It was all lucid.. But I was not in control. It was like a maze but within my mind. It was all horrible.. And these dreams.. No.. Nightmares would only get more and more darker.. Like a black, white and red dream where I was the only survivor of a church mess massacre. Heads rolling, screaming, blood dripping from all sides of the walls while the silhouettes of a pope's head being decapitated before it's head would roll around the corner... Before I'd wake up with my cat.. Meowing at me or my alarm snapping me out of it as I'm covered in sweat and despair, as I remember it like the back of my hand. To never forget these nightmares, like the never ending thorn in my side that's imbedded in me. My parents would tell me they'd take me to the hospital when I get in these.. Moments of hurt, of weakness. Of where I'd hurt myself or others.
Soo.. This is what is going on with me lately.. I might go into more detail.. But that is for another time, another day. If your wondering what I am doing at the moment.. Im fine, I would then find or suddenly shrug it off and be my old happy and cutesy Fem boy Elli self. And if you've made it this far.. Reading another drama ish.. I dunno, Another journal of many struggling or weakened or despaired FA user. I do not seek pity, your ''It's going to be okay.'' Or something like that.. I'd just want my friends to know.. That to why I've been gone a lot.. Why I say I was afk.. Most of the time. On Steam, Skype. During an RP, talking, Or supposed to play or meet you at this time. And no. This is not a suicide note. I've already dogged that kind of thing. Again.. That's another bump on the road of the hard ships of life. If you see me online or meet me somewhere or what ever. Just bear in mind, that I am dealing with a wound the may or may not ever heal. Yes.. You may continue being yourself around me. Being sexual or cutesy. ETC. But also bear in mind. I am also human, that every person has there ups and downs, Their pro's and Cons, their goods and bad about themselves.
Anyways... That's my current pain, that's been with me in a course of six months, or less. ''Why did I make this journal?'' Well, I had another nightmare the involved a friend of mine that rejected me for my flaws that then got worse and worse into a spiraling abyss of blackened suffering.
P.S. If your still reading this.. Thanks.. But This entire journal is also the MAIN reason why my past mate. From SL, and many friends to hate, find me annoying or just don't want to hang out with me.. Cause I was being sexual or doing something without knowing as I tried to escape the ever lasting pain that WILL stay with me for the rest of my life.
I thank you for reading this, I hope You were able to find out what or Why I'm gone a lot. Why I've been being less social with you all. Cause right now.. I have to find peace, before this.. Hurt take's me... I just need.. To work on myself. To fix, myself.
=================================================================
My psychologist trying to find out or try to.. Why I needed his help. and How.
Doctor: ''Why are you so nice to everyone? Or why did you protect him/her?''
Me: ''Why not? Even if they are mean to you. It doesn't mean you don't have to try and be compassionate to others. Is it?''
Doctor: ''Your protective. Yes? You need to stop that. Work on yourself before you help others.''
Me: I know.. But.. I find it fun. You know. That feeling or reaction they get when you do something for them when they didn't really expect or notice something you'd do. Only to realize it later. I just like.. Being different. Being that colored person in my belief. That.. Smooth rock in a valley of sharp jagged rocks.''
Doctor: ''Your a nice person. You know that? It's not often that many people think that way.''
Me: ''Yeah.. I know. I've been told about that.. In Real Life and on the Online world.''
==================================================================
Johnny Cash - Hurt / https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aF9AJm0RFc
==========================
When I got myself injured on my back (Chronic back pain) where my entire left side of my body, (Left side of body, arm and leg) was in horrible pain. It was as if someone was taking a fork that, stabbed into and down my left side before pulling out and letting the blood dry up and giving BAD pain. After taking BOOSTED pain pills (1 pill = the strength of 4 Advil's), it got to a point where I couldn't not.. And I mean I REALLY couldn't get out of bed, I took a month off. After from chiropractor to therapy... 2 weeks into my off I started to have what I call: The Shakes (Panic attacks).. What are they shakes? Well.. Imagine your playing a game, reading a book, eating or making food... When suddenly, your hand, limbs to your entire body starts to shake as if you'd swam a in the north pole's icy waters, and you couldn't stop shaking. Thus would make eating, sleeping, drinking water, moving around, thinking, etc.. Very difficult.. Anyways.. They started bit by bit when suddenly.. (Parents were gone on a cruise) I started to have them... But rather then having them end several hours later... They lasted over 50+ hours.. Soo.. from Friday of CONSTANT shaking, to Saturday at 11 pm, passing out from exhaustion and waking up on Sunday at 8 pm. After that.. a series of events where my dad noticed.. Drama.. And well.. I was held from going back to work since.. ''What If I had these shakes at work? How will it impact me, my life and the people around me?'' Of course there as pain and depression.
When we (me and parents) got a psychologist recommended from my doctor. He gave me a pill.. Where it not only CHANGED certain things in my body, but the thoughts and how I managed my life.... But if I forgot to take it in the morning.. Say at 9 am.. I would start to have massive head pain. Thus I take it (the pill) and I have to wait 3 days before the head pain would go away and I would be able to think again...
''What did the pill do to me?''
Well, after being ... Bullied horribly at school and the stress at work. (I will tell you what I did at work another time. It was cooking wise;) My patience meter.. Of how much I can handle a day was low.. Thus small bits of pain, comments or stress would cause these shakes at RANDOM time and end at an Unknown time. This pill. Stopped my shaking, but It reduced the amount of time I RPed, Being on Second Life to play or make things, thoughts of pain, able to handle shouting matches easier and coping that most of the society have.
Everything was going fine... But when I went to visit my grand parents on my mom's side. (When I was young, I didn't understand the comments and words they said.. But now I'm older, I understand what they say. They are kind, just.. They do not how to hold it back.) The comments they made.. Here is an Example that still baffles me today. My grand mother came up to me as I'm eating at the table and playfully tugged my nose and said.. ''You have a French nose. Like your father and ancestors from France, Europe. Just like your black hair.'' It was shocking... Not only did it hurt me... But it was.. Plain flat out rude. It's like saying FOR EXAMPLE. (NOT TO OFFEND ANYONE THIS IS AN EXAMPLE.) ''Are you a crazy? Like did you came out of a mental house? Cause your hair is messy and whacky.'' When I really just have bed head.
After coming home, the next day I suddenly felt this pain, this shaking.. I went down stairs to drink some water... When My dad asked me whats wrong? I replied that I had... This urge to kill, hurt, cause pain... Then it hit me... I had a RAGE attack. I know myself.. That If I went outside for a walk.. I might hurt someone. So I stood in the kitchen, shaking, unable to move or breath as my a part of me wanted to hurt, while another stood there crying, another held my rage in while another tried to find a solution... My mind was going crazy, I was talking fast, like those guys who have to talk fast during an Auction. I was frantic.. My dad hugged me and I cried.. Pretty hard.. After that.... I also realized, I've only had one RAGE attack out of the many dozens of Panic Attacks.
Soo.. Ever since that day.. I'm in my room longer, rarely outside, Reduced eating and sleeping less. Just on the computer or reading a book, hold up in my room all day. I've even noticed, I'm less sociable with my RL buddies, Talking with my parents or siblings. Heck, I'm even not talking to you guys on Skype or steam.. Just.. Not that much.. Just playing or reading books to keep my pain off to the side. Distracting it. I'm not running away from it.. It's just there.. I don't know how to push past it.. I'm stuck.
Then I had a dream.. But it wasn't a dream, It was a night mare. I will describe what they usually have in them. Violence, Graphic. VERY graphic nature, pain, death, hurt.. Mutilation.. It was all lucid.. But I was not in control. It was like a maze but within my mind. It was all horrible.. And these dreams.. No.. Nightmares would only get more and more darker.. Like a black, white and red dream where I was the only survivor of a church mess massacre. Heads rolling, screaming, blood dripping from all sides of the walls while the silhouettes of a pope's head being decapitated before it's head would roll around the corner... Before I'd wake up with my cat.. Meowing at me or my alarm snapping me out of it as I'm covered in sweat and despair, as I remember it like the back of my hand. To never forget these nightmares, like the never ending thorn in my side that's imbedded in me. My parents would tell me they'd take me to the hospital when I get in these.. Moments of hurt, of weakness. Of where I'd hurt myself or others.
Soo.. This is what is going on with me lately.. I might go into more detail.. But that is for another time, another day. If your wondering what I am doing at the moment.. Im fine, I would then find or suddenly shrug it off and be my old happy and cutesy Fem boy Elli self. And if you've made it this far.. Reading another drama ish.. I dunno, Another journal of many struggling or weakened or despaired FA user. I do not seek pity, your ''It's going to be okay.'' Or something like that.. I'd just want my friends to know.. That to why I've been gone a lot.. Why I say I was afk.. Most of the time. On Steam, Skype. During an RP, talking, Or supposed to play or meet you at this time. And no. This is not a suicide note. I've already dogged that kind of thing. Again.. That's another bump on the road of the hard ships of life. If you see me online or meet me somewhere or what ever. Just bear in mind, that I am dealing with a wound the may or may not ever heal. Yes.. You may continue being yourself around me. Being sexual or cutesy. ETC. But also bear in mind. I am also human, that every person has there ups and downs, Their pro's and Cons, their goods and bad about themselves.
Anyways... That's my current pain, that's been with me in a course of six months, or less. ''Why did I make this journal?'' Well, I had another nightmare the involved a friend of mine that rejected me for my flaws that then got worse and worse into a spiraling abyss of blackened suffering.
P.S. If your still reading this.. Thanks.. But This entire journal is also the MAIN reason why my past mate. From SL, and many friends to hate, find me annoying or just don't want to hang out with me.. Cause I was being sexual or doing something without knowing as I tried to escape the ever lasting pain that WILL stay with me for the rest of my life.
I thank you for reading this, I hope You were able to find out what or Why I'm gone a lot. Why I've been being less social with you all. Cause right now.. I have to find peace, before this.. Hurt take's me... I just need.. To work on myself. To fix, myself.
=================================================================
My psychologist trying to find out or try to.. Why I needed his help. and How.
Doctor: ''Why are you so nice to everyone? Or why did you protect him/her?''
Me: ''Why not? Even if they are mean to you. It doesn't mean you don't have to try and be compassionate to others. Is it?''
Doctor: ''Your protective. Yes? You need to stop that. Work on yourself before you help others.''
Me: I know.. But.. I find it fun. You know. That feeling or reaction they get when you do something for them when they didn't really expect or notice something you'd do. Only to realize it later. I just like.. Being different. Being that colored person in my belief. That.. Smooth rock in a valley of sharp jagged rocks.''
Doctor: ''Your a nice person. You know that? It's not often that many people think that way.''
Me: ''Yeah.. I know. I've been told about that.. In Real Life and on the Online world.''
==================================================================
Johnny Cash - Hurt / https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aF9AJm0RFc
Thrakhath
~thrakhath
whoh *hugs tight*
