So... this is basically a vent, but I want to point a couple of things out as well. Just fair warning, so skip to the end if you want the tl;dr version.

Because of how I grew up, circumstances at home, issues in school, things like that, I have some issues. For one thing, I am painfully shy, especially upon first meeting people. I guess that comes from feeling like an outsider when I was in school. Whenever I wasn't forced to be in a classroom, I'd be lurking in the main doorway of the school, literally slumped in a corner, headphones on, nose in a book. I wanted nothing to do with the crowds full of people I perceived as threatening. I always assumed no one liked me, so I isolated myself.

Well, high school ended, I got a really crappy job and went to college, both starting at roughly the same time. After a semester I started to realize something; these people... actually wanted me around. All the while I was doing the same old things, avoiding, deflecting, but I got noticed. I was good at my job, I was smart in class and apparently kind, because I started making friends.

For the first time in my life, I was involved with a group of people I wasn't forced into by age, grade and chance. I was around people I actually came to open up to. I started joking, tagging along or asking if people wanted to do things with me, and... to my utter amazement, they actually did!

I made progress, for as long as it took me to get a very minor college degree, I finally felt comfortable around people. I hated my job, but that was okay because I loved some of my co-workers. My friends and I could talk about anything. I mean, I came out to friends before I did to family, and that was amazing. There aren't words to describe how that felt, to be able to admit I loved someone without feeling ashamed or scared because of it.

I guess it went to my head, because I didn't want it to stop. I kept at it even when my body was trying to tell me something was wrong. By the time it got through my thick head, I could hardly do anything. That started me back down a bad road. Isolation, my old companion, had returned. Only this time, it was forced onto me. Car rides were excruciating, I stopped driving, and all the friends I'd made lived an hour away. My co-workers, as it turned out, weren't so much friends as they were... well, just co-workers.

I've got a lot to work on. When I first got sick, I was 20 years old. I turn 24 next week, can you imagine? I've spent four years away from the majority of people, and it was depressing. Heck, it is depressing. Even now that I'm getting better, even planning on returning to work and college in the fall, I still don't have anyone local to talk to or hang out with.

The truth is, I'm pretty scared to go out and try to meet new people. I'm not a bad-looking guy, but I'm self-conscious about my weight. I get so anxious when trying to start a conversation with someone that I actually start stuttering. It's not much better online, when I meet someone new the most frequent thought that goes through my head is "What could I possibly have that would interest this person in me?"

I try very hard to push through that, and I'm very grateful to everyone I've met who has been patient with me. It becomes especially hard for me when it comes to asking things. Whether I'm asking if someone wants to talk, role-play, or if I'm actually asking for something. It's harder than you could imagine. Even when I know that what I'm asking is most likely something the other person wants too, the thought of asking makes me physically nauseous. I mean, for Pete's sake, the other day I had a hard time asking my mother if she'd do something with me!

I don't know if anyone can relate to that, but the reason I'm writing this, the reason I laid it all out like that is that I feel guilty. My shyness has been getting in the way of a lot of relationships that I really don't want to see fall apart. It's also hard for me to meet new people, and I really want to. There are a few people I've seen around I've really wanted to send a PM and see if they'd be willing to chat, but I get that "why am I worth their time?" feeling and it's hard to push through it.

Thanks for reading my rambling vent. If you didn't have the patience to read through all of that, I'll sum it up for you:
1. I'm shy. Like, ridiculously, horrifically shy. Please don't take it as an insult, it's nothing personal.
2. It's excruciating for me to ask someone something. Whether I want something from them, or want to do something with them, it is one of the most terrifying things to me.
3. I don't not want to spend time with people, it's just hard for me to initiate things, and sometimes hard to accept offers for reasons stated above.