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Why I'll probably never stream
10 years ago
MESSAGE BEGIN!!!
I know I don't post as much here as some other sites, but I figured I'd share this here too.
tl;dr I'm mental and close scrutiny while working on something is a trigger.
Stress and a fun phobia that ramps up when being watched while doing some things is largely the reason. Atelophobia is sort of a snowball situation. Once the pressure is felt, it only gets worse if you can't manage to get a grip on it quickly. It's bad enough that I tend to have a physical reaction when I draw, even unobserved. If I mess something up, it weighs on me. If I get stuck, it weighs on me. If something feels like it's taking longer than it should to accomplish, it weighs on me. On days when I draw the whole day through I'm sometimes stuck washing multiple times due to a mix of hormonal reaction and sweat producing a rather funky effect that, thankfully, can fade quickly once I've hosed off a bit.
I run almost the full gambit of documented symptoms at different times, largely dependent on how strong a reaction is brought on and if I can get a reign on the situation before it becomes too bad.
I wasn't always this bad, but I've always had concerns tied into self worth that became far worse after my PTSD became worse. Bad events seem to like stacking up in my life. Good acting and a well constructed false confidence that can border on full bravado at times do wonders for helping one function.
Observation while working on art became a trigger around the '07/'08 timeframe when I was living in a situation where several 'trained' (student) artists wouldn't leave me alone while I would be doing any base sketches before even really rolling up my sleeves to get deeper into creating a picture. I was also fresh out of the military and had all that stress still on my back, unable to easily offload it.
I used to teach others cool techniques, anatomy, stylization and some of the most basic fundamentals using an older version of opencanvas that had a net connect, shared canvas feature but, eventually that became too much for me to deal with. Having a roommate kind of means that being a walking stench factory can heavily effect someone else even when you don't leave home and only further complicated things and worked to kill any easy way to easily control my reactions.
Because of all this, I'll probably never wind up streaming art. I don't like wrestling with a strong emotional reaction while working on something, it's reeeaaally distracting for a person with ADHD, and I can smell things rather well, better than most people are aware until they learn I can pick up atmospheric shifts some days simply by giving a sniff to the wind.
I thought I should share this info again with it spelled out a bit more instead of leaving any open implications from previous explanations of my 'crazy' issues. The need to say all this was brought on by a few people asking if I could do a commission stream, suggesting that it could help with the tight money situation I've been having. I've pondered it before while drawing and each time wound up having to stop drawing and go do something else.
Sorry folks, the crazy lynx doesn't stream. -_-;
MESSAGE END!!!
