I'm going to go ahead and say this now. This journal is just to get out a bundle of emotions that I've been bottling up. If you quite honestly don't give a rat's ass about me (no offence if you're of the rat/mouse familly) then please don't bother to read, and even if you do, you still may not want to read this crappy self-loathing sob story of a rant.

For months now, I've felt alone. I feel like I have no one who honestly cares about me with the exception of a few. That I could disappear and most of the people I talk to wouldn't care. I feel this way mostly do to my own mouth and some of the things I've used it to say. I keep saying the wrong things at the wrong time and end up upsetting people whom I care about. I always apologize when I know I've upset them, but in a few cases it has been one too many apologies and they stop talking to me all together, usually over what should have been a small spat.

For the most part, the only friends I have are those whom I talk to in the furry fandom (save one or two). I can't see them face to face, I can't hang out with them, I can't TRULY get to know them or them know me because we live states away from each other, or in some cases countries. The only way I can talk to them is through text and type, and so it's hard to read one another in conversation. And if I upset them and they decide to remove me from their list of contacts on whatever method of communication we use, then that's it, I have no way of fixing that which I've said unless out of some miracle they decide to contact me and give me another chance.

I know I can be annoying at times, and I admit that. But when I have no way to say I'm sorry or talk to someone I TRULY care about. Someone I would comfort when they're down, help pay their bills, or even give a kidney to if they needed it. It hurts on a level that makes me feel like I have a hole in my chest, I can't breath, can't think clearly, and all I think about is how I fucked up and there's nothing I can do but either move on or continue to hope and pray they forgive me and give me another chance. And usually I hold onto the later for as long as my heart will grip onto them.

*Takes a deep breath*
I'm not writing this for sympathy. I'm not writing it for people to say they're sorry or to suck it up. I write this because I've been holding these words in for months, thinking them over and over until they jumble together. I just needed to get them out and for someone to know how I feel.

This will be the last/only journal I make on such matters, as I don't want people to end up thinking I'm a "Oh poor poor me" type of guy.