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Not doing too well. (wall of text with background story)
10 years ago
General
So.
Did a lot of thinking, mostly beating myself up and brooding dark thoughts.
I'm not sorry for my last journal. Because i believe that i shouldn't be sorry for my outrage at people who were never reared proper with the common saying of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
I went to the doctor's office and asked about taking an anxiety test. The doc said that it is often tied directly to aspergers syndrome (and so is the depression i'm constantly fighting with), and said that since i was diagnosed with that 15yrs ago that it would be something that would be with me for my entire life.
I'm going to try and get back on track of taking my meds regularly, but as some of you 'might' agree; it's often easier said than done due to various reasons: forget to take it, no motivation to go take them, often unwilling to take them as it feels required to function (that last one is just an awful feeling. "i'm not even a whole person if i have to take these fucking things just to fit in").
I don't want to repost my artworks at this time. Maybe when i feel like i want to share again. I don't know. I really don't want this to be a norm of having to have a breakdown every half year when something happens or changes. But when you are stuck with AS, any sudden change that isn't welcome by you personally, you just happen to give in to your short fuse and just blow up on everything it seems.
Story time:
I've always been a lurker on FA since the initial registration. It wasn't up until 2 years ago on dec. 31 of 2012, that i was so BORED with WoW that night. I did all my LFR's, was justice capped and valor capped on all my character's that were important to do so on, had nobody online to even mess around with. The random thought creeped up on me: i wonder what that game SL would be like. I shrugged it off w/e. Did some looking around for porn on the internet like a "normal" person would that was just bored and was frustrated with things. Of all places i would happen across, since i wasn't finding much on FA that was new with quality content as i would prefer... i went looking around for alternative websites.
One such website: inflatechan.net is where i explored a little bit. I caught slight interest in a few unmentionable threads before noticing some out-of-place imagery of a 3D world/game. Did some looking around and in-depth reading trying to find out what it was, as it was quite exciting and compelling to find out where these screenshots where taken. I soon found out that it was of Second Life; i didn't think that 'game'(if it can be called a game) was still online. I figured i'd give it a try, since people in the thread were claiming it was F2P and no longer primarly subscription based anymore (even though it still has that option).
The odd controls took a few minutes to figure out/get used to. But even starting fresh on Second Life, having no idea what kind of people were there. I was still nervous and a little panicy and over-eager to hide from people who were extremely forward upon landing at a starter landing-point. At least there was a North-Star mall landmark.
I was drawn to SL with the promises of inflatable furry imagery, and i was determined to see if it was true or just a joke. As i arrived to North-Star, it was actually a little overwhelming. It was much more vast than i had anticipated to see for a 3-D store/mall/thing. But like anyone else who was exploring anything that was completely foreign to them, i proceeded with caution based off of the already hectic introduction at a noob-zone. This is where it got particularly interesting: I'm walking through this massive mall. Wall upon wall of visually enticing imagery of body parts, clothing, tails, accessories, vehicals, animations, graphics, sound-packs; everything and anything that could be thought of in a 3D-internet store, similarly compared to a virtual EBAY/AMAZON webpage. But that's not the interesting part; i make out of the endless aisles of randomness and i see a fairly vacant wall with evenly spaced vending machines. It didn't look like much at first glance but the textures were still loading so i walked toward them, because they looked different from the vendors from before in the store.
And then the image loaded: and there she was. Standing in front of me waiting for me to pick her up and call her my own and/or become one with me. The Aventity Buckskin. Not even on Second Life for a real reason besides looking for proof of a pornographic image i saw on a porno website and i was called out by a vending machine, but i didn't hesitate on claiming it. In a matter of minutes i had in my possession a furry avatar with: no name, no way of knowing what to do with it, or where to go.
It wasn't that hard to figure out that i had to use a search bar to extend my quest to witness this first hand. I tabbed back to inflatechan and did more research on what the objects were that were used in the screenshots, thankfully the uploader had direct links to the online store where they had gotten them.... and then i did some of my own specific searchings. After aquiring boobs and a set of cock+balls i was ready to mod. But i did not know at the time that i needed to find a sandbox, so i just roamed and looked for anywhere that was a free-build spot. I was very pleased with how easy and user friendly the huds were with the attachments. I soon realized, that i was in a G rated sim... BACK TO THE NORTHSTAR TO FIND CLOTHING!
Went back to North Star, found a landmark to a place called DERP, to which i had the longest retarded-giggling-chuckle at a store named after that silly word. Boobs: check, Tools:check, Attire:check. Now i was ready to mod and i noticed a friendly sign at derp that said modding zone. Awwwwww yiss muthafukinbreadcrumbs.gif now i can mod this avatar \o/.
At completion of making the avatar, i was honestly scared shitless. First time trying a game without anyone else actually suggesting it to me, and i had already pissed at least $50 on it without even thinking about what i was doing; but i didn't care at that time. All that mattered to me, was that moment. As i looked at the finished avatar, the only thing that looked off with it: it was missing a decent looking top-shirt, but i just made due with a tanktop texture layer with the boobs i had bought (and the lack of a lower leg alpha texture, because IDK DAFUQ THAT SHIT WAS).
A couple hours later... winkwink-nudgenudge... i grew curious about meeting other like-minded people on sl. Was it a common thing to be attracted to a virtual sex doll? I wanted to find out, so i once again made use of the search bar and took notice of the tabs: Groups, People, Places. What's the worst that could happen right? Went to some places, some were immediate kicks from the sims, from an apparent no reasoning behind it... until some comments about 'no furfags allowed'. Oh. Okay. I see this "game" has some open discrimination issues going on. Whatever... Off to find another place, this time searching with KEYWORDS: furry. Since just by having a fur avatar people openly hate you without real reasoning.
I'm not really sure on the details on some of the places i visited anymore at this point, most were empty, or just s OVER-POPULATED that i just freaked out and backed out of there before i could get more bad messages. Afterall i had just spent a curious amount of money in 1 night for 3D personalized walking porn and i didn't want it to be for naught.
One place that was decently populated, though still sparce; Herm Hideaway. I rather liked the name and ideals of that location, considering the boobs and tools that i picked up because it felt like the right thing to do at a moments notice. Though as i loitered there, wondering how to interact with those people, once again i gave in to just leaving and going off someplace to hide. Too much, too fast. So much i wanted to see and experiance in so little time. I went back to the noob-zone, for whatever reason. It seemed like a good idea.
I was soon barraged with IM's/notes from random people about how gorgeous i was, how beautiful of a horse i had... but it made no sense.... i was just there 3-5 hours prior, had a VERY STANDARDIZED AVATAR, and to top it off there were many more heavily modded and advanced AVs in the area. Yet people were talking to me? I couldn't help but feel victimized for some reason as it didn't feel right. As i had...somewhat civil conversations with some of these individuals... i was averting my eyes from their avatars... i greatly dislike human anatomy... upright walking anthro's are just fine. But i couldn't concentrate when multiple human avatar's were hitting on me at once, some being Anime, some being grossly over muscle-bound, and some being of alien-rape-monster in nature. I wandered with the camera angle tool, then i found a most disturbing post-sigh: "beware of scammers who ask or beg you for $L".
That's all i needed to get %1110 paranoid. Not only had i made an avatar without thinking, i had stumbled upon a virtual world where people knowingly abuse and misuse people just to get money. I prompty left the noob-zones and went back to the herm hide-away and hid in a corner.
1 Day passed:
A full day had passed before i could work up the courage to get back on SL. Just so i can reaffirm to myself that it wasn't a waste of time and money. I wanted to meet people. I had dreamed of the horse that i 'accidentally' created on sl the precious night, and day-dreamed about her while i was at work that night before coming home and considering on getting back on SL. I went back to the search bar. I went to look for "my own kind", if that could be said. Since i was honestly feeling addicted to my horse, i searched for a horse furry group. to my surprise there were several horse groups, one being Addicted to Horse, again with a chuckle at the name but at the same time... a sense of want and need. I searched for additional groups that i might be welcome in, most were quiet. But were friendly, even though i did not make it known immediately that i joined; since i figured it was similar to WoW where newly joined members were innitiate a toast in the interface upon joining. Nope.
I spent the second night on SL, not exploring as i did the previous night, but preferring to be alone and wander the vast landscapes of SL for a secluded spot where i could learn about the game's interface. It was fairly simple, but one thing eluded me as i was setting preferences and tinkering with others of the various settings for graphics and sound. I did not have a name for the avatar i created. I took obvious note of other people having 2 names above their head, i already knew 1 was their username, but the 2nd was something else. I looked around the preferences before finding that it was a display name. I didn't know what i wanted to call myself as.
So i spent a good 30minutes mulling over possible names to call this mare that i created. Hit and miss, that sounded good, but was too common within reality or i already heard of it numerous times within the fandom. And then i just sat back in my chair, looking at that stunning equine, simple of a AV mod at the time as it was, and i thought to myself: she looks happy. I want to be happy. what were the happiest times of my life that i could use for this? then i remembered that in highschool, as much as i hated that god-forsaken place, there was a small circle of my older brother's friends that i would talk to once in a while, usually about red vs. blue as that machinima was just getting started with their animated spoof series.
Then i remember that we all took a personality test to see which character fits us best out of the entire cast of main characters and secondary characters. By some strange chance my test result was Sheila, the Tank in that series. "WELL HELLLL. i love driving tanks in any game i touch and am EXCESSIVELY talented with long range artillary to sniping fighter craft out of the air with battle tank main cannons, so why the hell not?" So i named my horse Sheila, she would have no last-name for at least another 2 years with many hours upon hours of musical influence from Two Steps From Hell.
:End short story:
I now sit here. Upset and bitter at the world and those who inhabit it. Every day i am reminded that there are people out there who knowingly choose to do wrong instead of do right. Every day is a struggle to maintain what little sanity i have left. Is it really such a hard concept for people to just behave? Is it really that strange to want to see people just stop what they are doing, back away from the computer, and just go stand outside. Go watch the birds or an owl in the late hours of the morning.
I didn't know that all this would happen if I intended on making a fursona from the beginning. I don't even know if i would have made her if i knew from the beginning on how much mental pain and suffering i would have been subjected to by those on SL and FA. Yes, i look at the negatives more than the positives. Because that's how aspergers syndrome, depression, and anxiety work. I can't help it. I'm going to try and get back on track with my meds. But i want people to just grow the fuck up and leave me in peace if they feel the need to open their mouth without thinking. And if you are one of those who says shit just to stir up drama; SHAME ON YOU.
Feel free to comment or whatever, by all means be a dick like that 1 random lil shit in the last one that i promptly hid and blocked from my page.
edited paragraphs
Did a lot of thinking, mostly beating myself up and brooding dark thoughts.
I'm not sorry for my last journal. Because i believe that i shouldn't be sorry for my outrage at people who were never reared proper with the common saying of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
I went to the doctor's office and asked about taking an anxiety test. The doc said that it is often tied directly to aspergers syndrome (and so is the depression i'm constantly fighting with), and said that since i was diagnosed with that 15yrs ago that it would be something that would be with me for my entire life.
I'm going to try and get back on track of taking my meds regularly, but as some of you 'might' agree; it's often easier said than done due to various reasons: forget to take it, no motivation to go take them, often unwilling to take them as it feels required to function (that last one is just an awful feeling. "i'm not even a whole person if i have to take these fucking things just to fit in").
I don't want to repost my artworks at this time. Maybe when i feel like i want to share again. I don't know. I really don't want this to be a norm of having to have a breakdown every half year when something happens or changes. But when you are stuck with AS, any sudden change that isn't welcome by you personally, you just happen to give in to your short fuse and just blow up on everything it seems.
Story time:
I've always been a lurker on FA since the initial registration. It wasn't up until 2 years ago on dec. 31 of 2012, that i was so BORED with WoW that night. I did all my LFR's, was justice capped and valor capped on all my character's that were important to do so on, had nobody online to even mess around with. The random thought creeped up on me: i wonder what that game SL would be like. I shrugged it off w/e. Did some looking around for porn on the internet like a "normal" person would that was just bored and was frustrated with things. Of all places i would happen across, since i wasn't finding much on FA that was new with quality content as i would prefer... i went looking around for alternative websites.
One such website: inflatechan.net is where i explored a little bit. I caught slight interest in a few unmentionable threads before noticing some out-of-place imagery of a 3D world/game. Did some looking around and in-depth reading trying to find out what it was, as it was quite exciting and compelling to find out where these screenshots where taken. I soon found out that it was of Second Life; i didn't think that 'game'(if it can be called a game) was still online. I figured i'd give it a try, since people in the thread were claiming it was F2P and no longer primarly subscription based anymore (even though it still has that option).
The odd controls took a few minutes to figure out/get used to. But even starting fresh on Second Life, having no idea what kind of people were there. I was still nervous and a little panicy and over-eager to hide from people who were extremely forward upon landing at a starter landing-point. At least there was a North-Star mall landmark.
I was drawn to SL with the promises of inflatable furry imagery, and i was determined to see if it was true or just a joke. As i arrived to North-Star, it was actually a little overwhelming. It was much more vast than i had anticipated to see for a 3-D store/mall/thing. But like anyone else who was exploring anything that was completely foreign to them, i proceeded with caution based off of the already hectic introduction at a noob-zone. This is where it got particularly interesting: I'm walking through this massive mall. Wall upon wall of visually enticing imagery of body parts, clothing, tails, accessories, vehicals, animations, graphics, sound-packs; everything and anything that could be thought of in a 3D-internet store, similarly compared to a virtual EBAY/AMAZON webpage. But that's not the interesting part; i make out of the endless aisles of randomness and i see a fairly vacant wall with evenly spaced vending machines. It didn't look like much at first glance but the textures were still loading so i walked toward them, because they looked different from the vendors from before in the store.
And then the image loaded: and there she was. Standing in front of me waiting for me to pick her up and call her my own and/or become one with me. The Aventity Buckskin. Not even on Second Life for a real reason besides looking for proof of a pornographic image i saw on a porno website and i was called out by a vending machine, but i didn't hesitate on claiming it. In a matter of minutes i had in my possession a furry avatar with: no name, no way of knowing what to do with it, or where to go.
It wasn't that hard to figure out that i had to use a search bar to extend my quest to witness this first hand. I tabbed back to inflatechan and did more research on what the objects were that were used in the screenshots, thankfully the uploader had direct links to the online store where they had gotten them.... and then i did some of my own specific searchings. After aquiring boobs and a set of cock+balls i was ready to mod. But i did not know at the time that i needed to find a sandbox, so i just roamed and looked for anywhere that was a free-build spot. I was very pleased with how easy and user friendly the huds were with the attachments. I soon realized, that i was in a G rated sim... BACK TO THE NORTHSTAR TO FIND CLOTHING!
Went back to North Star, found a landmark to a place called DERP, to which i had the longest retarded-giggling-chuckle at a store named after that silly word. Boobs: check, Tools:check, Attire:check. Now i was ready to mod and i noticed a friendly sign at derp that said modding zone. Awwwwww yiss muthafukinbreadcrumbs.gif now i can mod this avatar \o/.
At completion of making the avatar, i was honestly scared shitless. First time trying a game without anyone else actually suggesting it to me, and i had already pissed at least $50 on it without even thinking about what i was doing; but i didn't care at that time. All that mattered to me, was that moment. As i looked at the finished avatar, the only thing that looked off with it: it was missing a decent looking top-shirt, but i just made due with a tanktop texture layer with the boobs i had bought (and the lack of a lower leg alpha texture, because IDK DAFUQ THAT SHIT WAS).
A couple hours later... winkwink-nudgenudge... i grew curious about meeting other like-minded people on sl. Was it a common thing to be attracted to a virtual sex doll? I wanted to find out, so i once again made use of the search bar and took notice of the tabs: Groups, People, Places. What's the worst that could happen right? Went to some places, some were immediate kicks from the sims, from an apparent no reasoning behind it... until some comments about 'no furfags allowed'. Oh. Okay. I see this "game" has some open discrimination issues going on. Whatever... Off to find another place, this time searching with KEYWORDS: furry. Since just by having a fur avatar people openly hate you without real reasoning.
I'm not really sure on the details on some of the places i visited anymore at this point, most were empty, or just s OVER-POPULATED that i just freaked out and backed out of there before i could get more bad messages. Afterall i had just spent a curious amount of money in 1 night for 3D personalized walking porn and i didn't want it to be for naught.
One place that was decently populated, though still sparce; Herm Hideaway. I rather liked the name and ideals of that location, considering the boobs and tools that i picked up because it felt like the right thing to do at a moments notice. Though as i loitered there, wondering how to interact with those people, once again i gave in to just leaving and going off someplace to hide. Too much, too fast. So much i wanted to see and experiance in so little time. I went back to the noob-zone, for whatever reason. It seemed like a good idea.
I was soon barraged with IM's/notes from random people about how gorgeous i was, how beautiful of a horse i had... but it made no sense.... i was just there 3-5 hours prior, had a VERY STANDARDIZED AVATAR, and to top it off there were many more heavily modded and advanced AVs in the area. Yet people were talking to me? I couldn't help but feel victimized for some reason as it didn't feel right. As i had...somewhat civil conversations with some of these individuals... i was averting my eyes from their avatars... i greatly dislike human anatomy... upright walking anthro's are just fine. But i couldn't concentrate when multiple human avatar's were hitting on me at once, some being Anime, some being grossly over muscle-bound, and some being of alien-rape-monster in nature. I wandered with the camera angle tool, then i found a most disturbing post-sigh: "beware of scammers who ask or beg you for $L".
That's all i needed to get %1110 paranoid. Not only had i made an avatar without thinking, i had stumbled upon a virtual world where people knowingly abuse and misuse people just to get money. I prompty left the noob-zones and went back to the herm hide-away and hid in a corner.
1 Day passed:
A full day had passed before i could work up the courage to get back on SL. Just so i can reaffirm to myself that it wasn't a waste of time and money. I wanted to meet people. I had dreamed of the horse that i 'accidentally' created on sl the precious night, and day-dreamed about her while i was at work that night before coming home and considering on getting back on SL. I went back to the search bar. I went to look for "my own kind", if that could be said. Since i was honestly feeling addicted to my horse, i searched for a horse furry group. to my surprise there were several horse groups, one being Addicted to Horse, again with a chuckle at the name but at the same time... a sense of want and need. I searched for additional groups that i might be welcome in, most were quiet. But were friendly, even though i did not make it known immediately that i joined; since i figured it was similar to WoW where newly joined members were innitiate a toast in the interface upon joining. Nope.
I spent the second night on SL, not exploring as i did the previous night, but preferring to be alone and wander the vast landscapes of SL for a secluded spot where i could learn about the game's interface. It was fairly simple, but one thing eluded me as i was setting preferences and tinkering with others of the various settings for graphics and sound. I did not have a name for the avatar i created. I took obvious note of other people having 2 names above their head, i already knew 1 was their username, but the 2nd was something else. I looked around the preferences before finding that it was a display name. I didn't know what i wanted to call myself as.
So i spent a good 30minutes mulling over possible names to call this mare that i created. Hit and miss, that sounded good, but was too common within reality or i already heard of it numerous times within the fandom. And then i just sat back in my chair, looking at that stunning equine, simple of a AV mod at the time as it was, and i thought to myself: she looks happy. I want to be happy. what were the happiest times of my life that i could use for this? then i remembered that in highschool, as much as i hated that god-forsaken place, there was a small circle of my older brother's friends that i would talk to once in a while, usually about red vs. blue as that machinima was just getting started with their animated spoof series.
Then i remember that we all took a personality test to see which character fits us best out of the entire cast of main characters and secondary characters. By some strange chance my test result was Sheila, the Tank in that series. "WELL HELLLL. i love driving tanks in any game i touch and am EXCESSIVELY talented with long range artillary to sniping fighter craft out of the air with battle tank main cannons, so why the hell not?" So i named my horse Sheila, she would have no last-name for at least another 2 years with many hours upon hours of musical influence from Two Steps From Hell.
:End short story:
I now sit here. Upset and bitter at the world and those who inhabit it. Every day i am reminded that there are people out there who knowingly choose to do wrong instead of do right. Every day is a struggle to maintain what little sanity i have left. Is it really such a hard concept for people to just behave? Is it really that strange to want to see people just stop what they are doing, back away from the computer, and just go stand outside. Go watch the birds or an owl in the late hours of the morning.
I didn't know that all this would happen if I intended on making a fursona from the beginning. I don't even know if i would have made her if i knew from the beginning on how much mental pain and suffering i would have been subjected to by those on SL and FA. Yes, i look at the negatives more than the positives. Because that's how aspergers syndrome, depression, and anxiety work. I can't help it. I'm going to try and get back on track with my meds. But i want people to just grow the fuck up and leave me in peace if they feel the need to open their mouth without thinking. And if you are one of those who says shit just to stir up drama; SHAME ON YOU.
Feel free to comment or whatever, by all means be a dick like that 1 random lil shit in the last one that i promptly hid and blocked from my page.
edited paragraphs
I've got depression/anxiety myself. So you have my sympathy.
I just met you once briefly, but thought you were pretty cool. And I really appreciated the help with my avatar..
In the short time I've kept my eye on you, I had not seen or heard much. Nothing bad, nothing good - just a lot of nothing in general, aside from what you posted, which I enjoyed.
So, to find your gallery suddenly gone and an angry message left in place, it left me curious as to what happened.
Thank you for posting this journal. It might have been a little hard to read (paragraph breaks help) but it was informative and I'm glad you're not just gone.
I hope you choose to stay. I hope you choose to make the friendships and make a community that you want to be a part of. Sometimes what we look for doesn't exist yet, we have to make it ourselves.
You made it much farther into SL than I did. I tried doing it but... purchasing an avatar just never really appealed to me. I wanted something of my own, and I'm a little familiar with 3D sculpting and whatnot but the process of creating a custom avatar from scratch on SL seemed way overly complicated and I couldn't find good (especially up to date) tutorials on doing it. I also had no one to show me the ropes of SL, and I didn't feel comfortable exploring a place that was largely socially based. I lasted like two days or so before I just gave up. I still sometimes wonder if I should make another effort at it but... I just don't know if I have the time to mess with it. Maybe if somebody can get me started on learning to create a custom avatar BUT I have little hopes of that since the majority of people just buy prefab and those that know the tricks of trade seem relunctant to share. I also quite honestly don't know many people that mess with SL anymore - the few people I know that did get involved with it quit a long time ago. Is it still even a popular thing? I don't even know.
I also find it can be a dark vortex to swirl thinking on all the negativity, but I'm also fortunate enough to know some really great people that make me happy. The biggest thing that helps me overcome my high functioning autism, anxiety, and depression is my drive to complete college and be a game programmer/designer. So few people believe in me because it's such a hard job area to get into, but I've refused to give up on my dream. Even I didn't believe in myself at one point when I flunked out of college, but I just couldn't let go of my passion and I told myself that I had to try harder, and now I'm getting straight A's.
I know can get ugly at times, but you just have to do what makes your heart sing. And screw all the nay-sayers and shitheads - they are just bumps in the road.
Best of luck to you sweetie! Hang on to your dreams - they are your lifeline through the dark storms.
If it's any consolation, I would be happy to lend my ear, if you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to lean on if you just need support. You seemed awfully-nice when we met, if not rather seclusive... but that was perfectly understandable!
With words in journals like this, I'm positive you'll have your second clan in no time. Find your hideaway and let the ones you trust and enjoy the most hide with you.