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It's Getting Worse
10 years ago
Since the update a few days ago (Click here for a recap) things have gotten worse for Grandma overnight.
On Easter, I found out it wasn't going to be a matter of months till Grandma passes away. It could, in fact, be this very week.
She had a stroke last night while everyone is asleep, and she can't eat or drink anything. Her kidneys have shut down. She specifically wrote in her will she wanted no life-saving measures or resuscitation when she dies, and that makes it hard for everyone involved, because naturally we want to do all we can to make sure she lives.
I can't focus anymore. I want to cry and cry and cry, and wish I could stop feeling for one damn minute. Every time my phone rings, I'm terrified that it'll be the news I don't want to hear. These nerves and sadness, I feel like they're making me a bad mother. I get so short tempered with Monkey lately, and all she's doing is being a baby. I apologize, even though she doesn't understand me, because I can't believe myself. Why would I yell at my kid to "Shut up" and "Get off of me" when she needs just as much love and reassurance as I do. I catch myself yelling at her, and I wish I could take it back. But she still tries to do what I yelled at her for, so I pick her up and apologize and try and love her, and try and calm down.
I just want this nightmare to be over so the healing can start, so I can go back to being normal again, but hell if I know when that will be...
On Easter, I found out it wasn't going to be a matter of months till Grandma passes away. It could, in fact, be this very week.
She had a stroke last night while everyone is asleep, and she can't eat or drink anything. Her kidneys have shut down. She specifically wrote in her will she wanted no life-saving measures or resuscitation when she dies, and that makes it hard for everyone involved, because naturally we want to do all we can to make sure she lives.
I can't focus anymore. I want to cry and cry and cry, and wish I could stop feeling for one damn minute. Every time my phone rings, I'm terrified that it'll be the news I don't want to hear. These nerves and sadness, I feel like they're making me a bad mother. I get so short tempered with Monkey lately, and all she's doing is being a baby. I apologize, even though she doesn't understand me, because I can't believe myself. Why would I yell at my kid to "Shut up" and "Get off of me" when she needs just as much love and reassurance as I do. I catch myself yelling at her, and I wish I could take it back. But she still tries to do what I yelled at her for, so I pick her up and apologize and try and love her, and try and calm down.
I just want this nightmare to be over so the healing can start, so I can go back to being normal again, but hell if I know when that will be...
Those three days before she did die, I started getting irritable at work, customers got on my nerves more than they should have, coworkers too... I had trouble functioning until I got word. Like I said before though, I'm here when you need an eye and an ear. Take your time with your work. If you cant focus there isnt a need to tough through at least my pieces, do em when you;'re in the proper state of mind, I can wait as long as you need, just keep me posted, kay?
Thank you, Malik.
Your family is fortunate to be so close and I bet it will help as it already has to keep you and your loved ones afloat.