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What it's like to be broken as a person.
10 years ago
Been going to counseling to deal with my anger issues for... Fucking three months now.
Thing is though, I am a creature designed to be perpetually angry. I don't have a choice in the matter it seems. Ever since I started taking the counseling I've noticed that I've been having chest pains akin to a deep, ache and pains in the base of my throat that feel like a knife being driven in. I don't get angry as much as I used to - I just get stressed and it continually builds, builds, builds.
I've learned to be assertive as a means of speaking up for myself and defending my rights and respect the rights of others without being angry. On the other hand, that same assertiveness only works in certain places whereas anger works... Everywhere.
See, whenever I stopped being angry and started being assertive... I started to get more and more depressed. I've been cutting my wrists and legs in places people generally don't look and I've had to struggle to get through each day without putting the shotgun to my chin and pulling the fuckin' trigger just to end it all. Every day I remind myself, "If you can just get through today, maybe tomorrow will be better" but it never is. I have the same thought process every. fucking. Night.
And sitting in my bedroom, alone, through my own tears as I watched the hours slowly dwindle away until now when I have to be at work in just three hours when I've only been home for four.... I realized... I am built for anger. The moment I opened up and allowed myself to default to anger, the pain in my chest and throat went away. I went outside, had a cigarette, and just beat the ever living fuck out of the car because it was simply there. And I felt genuinely good. I feel as good as I have been in... Months. I feel alive instead of just... sustained.
When I'm depressed, nothing helps. There is no-one that can help me. The same vapid questions just make me want to shut down; the constant "Are you okay?" and "Did you have a bad day" and "do you wanna talk about it?" just cycles into the depression and makes it worse. Obvious answers for dumb questions from concerned people who probably genuinely care but only enough that it doesn't inconvenience them. There's nothing you can do but wait it out or give up and end it all. You eat out of necessity and the food tastes bland. Activities that once enthralled you become a nuisance and an annoyance; uninteresting. The people who try to encourage you become your worst nightmare as you struggle to keep your walls up or let them down just long enough to realize that you really are alone in the world - and if you don't believe me take my experience as an example: I was crying my eyes out on the phone with the suicide hotline for ten minutes before I realized they put me on hold.
I realized that I'm alone in this and no-one can save me. Not my counselor, not my friends, not my family... not even God can save me from it. So... I default to anger, once more. The exact thing I've been trying to combat for going on four months, having shelled out hundreds and sacrificed my own sanity to try and combat so I could be a better person to the rest of the world.
It isn't worth it to wallow in my own tears, to desperately look for help but never find it.. I would sooner piss people off, hurt others, and burn bridges than sit in my bed every night, staring at the ceiling and praying to whoever will listen to just let me fucking die to end the misery. The differences are stark but largely personal and it was my choice to make.
So, if you've ever wondered what it's like to be genuinely broken as a human being... That's what it's like.
Thing is though, I am a creature designed to be perpetually angry. I don't have a choice in the matter it seems. Ever since I started taking the counseling I've noticed that I've been having chest pains akin to a deep, ache and pains in the base of my throat that feel like a knife being driven in. I don't get angry as much as I used to - I just get stressed and it continually builds, builds, builds.
I've learned to be assertive as a means of speaking up for myself and defending my rights and respect the rights of others without being angry. On the other hand, that same assertiveness only works in certain places whereas anger works... Everywhere.
See, whenever I stopped being angry and started being assertive... I started to get more and more depressed. I've been cutting my wrists and legs in places people generally don't look and I've had to struggle to get through each day without putting the shotgun to my chin and pulling the fuckin' trigger just to end it all. Every day I remind myself, "If you can just get through today, maybe tomorrow will be better" but it never is. I have the same thought process every. fucking. Night.
And sitting in my bedroom, alone, through my own tears as I watched the hours slowly dwindle away until now when I have to be at work in just three hours when I've only been home for four.... I realized... I am built for anger. The moment I opened up and allowed myself to default to anger, the pain in my chest and throat went away. I went outside, had a cigarette, and just beat the ever living fuck out of the car because it was simply there. And I felt genuinely good. I feel as good as I have been in... Months. I feel alive instead of just... sustained.
When I'm depressed, nothing helps. There is no-one that can help me. The same vapid questions just make me want to shut down; the constant "Are you okay?" and "Did you have a bad day" and "do you wanna talk about it?" just cycles into the depression and makes it worse. Obvious answers for dumb questions from concerned people who probably genuinely care but only enough that it doesn't inconvenience them. There's nothing you can do but wait it out or give up and end it all. You eat out of necessity and the food tastes bland. Activities that once enthralled you become a nuisance and an annoyance; uninteresting. The people who try to encourage you become your worst nightmare as you struggle to keep your walls up or let them down just long enough to realize that you really are alone in the world - and if you don't believe me take my experience as an example: I was crying my eyes out on the phone with the suicide hotline for ten minutes before I realized they put me on hold.
I realized that I'm alone in this and no-one can save me. Not my counselor, not my friends, not my family... not even God can save me from it. So... I default to anger, once more. The exact thing I've been trying to combat for going on four months, having shelled out hundreds and sacrificed my own sanity to try and combat so I could be a better person to the rest of the world.
It isn't worth it to wallow in my own tears, to desperately look for help but never find it.. I would sooner piss people off, hurt others, and burn bridges than sit in my bed every night, staring at the ceiling and praying to whoever will listen to just let me fucking die to end the misery. The differences are stark but largely personal and it was my choice to make.
So, if you've ever wondered what it's like to be genuinely broken as a human being... That's what it's like.
Do worry a bit that anything which could be said, probably has been already. And anything that may be said, could be taken the wrong way, or even could be said without the right background and the like.
Do have some understanding of what you are talking about. Personally though, tend not to talk about it... especially not online. Much too fearful/paranoid for that.
Good luck.
It is a shit hand you have been dealt, with the way your mind works. Definitely and completely. Wish I had an easy answer and something to say to help in some form. But I don't. The only person anyone can truly ever rely on, is themselves, which makes it all the more shit when someones mind is 'working against them' as it were.
I don't know how to put it, but I'm sorry to hear you're going through what you are. Some people just won't understand that being angry keeps you from being insane and they'll always try to change that to get you to conform to their idea of normal. When really as I said it's just a matter of getting a hold on it.
I'm actually appalled to hear a suicide hotline put you on hold. What the fuck, man?
You're not alone. There are people out there (like me) who care and who are more than willing to lend a supportive ear or shoulder. Please know that you're very much worth it. There are people out there who can help you.