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10 years ago
Sorry I've been a bit unresponsive! Something did happen since last posting for you all, and I think I should at least let you all know what happened.
Recently I've developed an abnormal sleeping pattern, i. e.; weird hours, restless sleep, the whole deal. Sleep deprivation. Mild hallucinations here and there. It's annoying.
Being an insomniac by nature doesn't aid me either. My body can't seem to deal with it.
Although this is a problem I should be able to resolve on my own, an incident that occured yesterday rattled me a bit more than usual.
I fell asleep at the wheel, going at about 75-80 mph down a state highway and came to a corner; flew about 200 feet through the median.
I was able to snap to it and maintain relative control of my car despite wet conditions.
I was really friggin' lucky. If I went to the right instead of the left, I would have flown over and 200 feet to my death. Even more lucky, trees weren't allowed in the particular median I skidded into; and that median type is common here in Mississippi!
My car suffered minimal damage, and I'm out about 200$ for the tow alone.
It really sucked! ^^;
But it also kinda blew a hole open in my mind and the way I see how things work for me. The situations I've been in. The way I pursue my dream. My sense of self-worth. It all changed.
Usually, I'm constantly bordering on severe depression, working here and there for approval of those who probably don't give two pennies about how I feel in the first place. I always feel like I'm teaching myself when it comes to drawing, and only recently have I found those in the industry I've come to overtly admire and try to emulate. A goal of sorts.
I was a bit sour about not understanding how digital coloring works despite having been taught traditionally how to paint. I was flustered. It doesn't seem to translate; and a few bad knocks at university depreciated how I felt about a lot of things.
Bad time=bad state of mind.
Coupled with sleep deprivation, I haven't been in the place of light lately.
I threw on a facade o happy all the time. Even though I do feel unhappiness, I never felt anyone should be bothered with it.
Getting to my point; it doesn't work... Ignoring the fact of you're unhappy. Everyone deserves some type of happiness, and that's why I try to do my best, not rejecting anything I may feel I cannot handle yet. Stress and a bit of guilt and it all compounds.
It feels like a weight you can't surmmount. And it made me unhappy. It stifled my creativity and I ended up running away in my mind; and no one runs forever. You'll tire out eventually, mentally and physically.
I was burned out. And I let it affect me til the point I almost got snuffed out, for good.
It's scary stuff. Thinking: "I almost died today."
i will do my absolute best to be better than I have been, everyone. It's selfish of me to run like I have been! But also, I have to take into account my health now. Please, respect that.
I'll have something positive ready for you all quite soon.
Until next time.
~Blue
Recently I've developed an abnormal sleeping pattern, i. e.; weird hours, restless sleep, the whole deal. Sleep deprivation. Mild hallucinations here and there. It's annoying.
Being an insomniac by nature doesn't aid me either. My body can't seem to deal with it.
Although this is a problem I should be able to resolve on my own, an incident that occured yesterday rattled me a bit more than usual.
I fell asleep at the wheel, going at about 75-80 mph down a state highway and came to a corner; flew about 200 feet through the median.
I was able to snap to it and maintain relative control of my car despite wet conditions.
I was really friggin' lucky. If I went to the right instead of the left, I would have flown over and 200 feet to my death. Even more lucky, trees weren't allowed in the particular median I skidded into; and that median type is common here in Mississippi!
My car suffered minimal damage, and I'm out about 200$ for the tow alone.
It really sucked! ^^;
But it also kinda blew a hole open in my mind and the way I see how things work for me. The situations I've been in. The way I pursue my dream. My sense of self-worth. It all changed.
Usually, I'm constantly bordering on severe depression, working here and there for approval of those who probably don't give two pennies about how I feel in the first place. I always feel like I'm teaching myself when it comes to drawing, and only recently have I found those in the industry I've come to overtly admire and try to emulate. A goal of sorts.
I was a bit sour about not understanding how digital coloring works despite having been taught traditionally how to paint. I was flustered. It doesn't seem to translate; and a few bad knocks at university depreciated how I felt about a lot of things.
Bad time=bad state of mind.
Coupled with sleep deprivation, I haven't been in the place of light lately.
I threw on a facade o happy all the time. Even though I do feel unhappiness, I never felt anyone should be bothered with it.
Getting to my point; it doesn't work... Ignoring the fact of you're unhappy. Everyone deserves some type of happiness, and that's why I try to do my best, not rejecting anything I may feel I cannot handle yet. Stress and a bit of guilt and it all compounds.
It feels like a weight you can't surmmount. And it made me unhappy. It stifled my creativity and I ended up running away in my mind; and no one runs forever. You'll tire out eventually, mentally and physically.
I was burned out. And I let it affect me til the point I almost got snuffed out, for good.
It's scary stuff. Thinking: "I almost died today."
i will do my absolute best to be better than I have been, everyone. It's selfish of me to run like I have been! But also, I have to take into account my health now. Please, respect that.
I'll have something positive ready for you all quite soon.
Until next time.
~Blue
Speaking as one insomniac to another, I recently changed the pillows I sleep on and that seems to have helped a lot. A new bed may help further, and that's in the cards for me next. Perhaps some changes like this will help you, too?
Regardless, if you haven't already, go see a doctor to see if they can track down what's keeping you up at night. There may be a physiological reason that can be fixed.
Hang in there and take your time! Learning new things sometimes takes a lot of effort over a long period, so don't be frustrated if things don't click right away. Everyone is different.
I hope things start getting better for you now. There has to be a lowest point before things get better, and I hope that this is the lowest you see.
You have friends all around you, so keep looking up.
Hang in there, mate! I'm not done seeing all the amazing things you have to offer, yet!
I'll keep you in my thoughts, bud.