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Burn Out
10 years ago
Hey, everyone.
I make no secret that I'm a christian. I'm just not a very good one, sometimes. Or at least, I don't think I am. I keep meaning to pray, but how can I when part of me actively resents what God supposedly has ordained for my life right now? Bah.
I've been very quiet- and when I do talk, I'm sporadic. I'm sorry about that, truly, I am. I haven't forgotten my commissions, (because I really do need the money) but I've just... hit burn out.
Part of that not being a very good christian thing stems from the fact that I have been doing something I know isn't morally right- but it was helping a friend out of a jam, AND he was going to pay me for it; quite handsomely I might add. Don't fret, it's nothing illegal, I'm not stealing anything, no one's dying or in any way harmed. I promised I wouldn't expand on it, but let's just say it involves writing. We all have our prices, no? Mine was one born out of desperation because with no job (while I'm at school, at least. I still go back to work for Disney in summer) I had no other way to make money. My burn out comes from a lot of stuff. I'm just... so tired, all of the time. I'm graduating in two weeks time and I should be happy- but I'm not. Make of that what you will. Might have something to do with the $53k I owe in student loans becaaaaaause private schools are expensive and most of my grants were taken away from me when I was fired from my job at school for not showing up to meetings I WAS NEVER TOLD ABOUT and was never GIVEN ANY WARNING about- seriously, without having one conversation, or write-up, or ANY disciplinary action taken against me, they straight up fired me, and they didn't even tell me about THAT until I got back to school from Winter break. Because life's a bitch.
Not to mention I was "removed" from my position as an RA last year NOT because my work was unsatisfactory, but because they "wanted to give someone else a chance"- someone, presumably, that isn't drowning in their own debt before they get their fucking diploma- because, again, fuck me.
And finally, my best friend, my dearest, most reliable friend, the person I loved as a brother, stabbed me in the fucking back, treated me like shit, and then kicked me to the curb- but NOT before he fleeced money from me like a fucking loan shark by pretending everything was happiness and sunshine and then LITERALLY THE DAY after he got his FUCKING money, he told me to fuck off. Some of you know who I'm talking about, don't say anything- I want to vent, not ruin someone's precious reputation, no matter how satisfying it would be.
I should've vented about all of this a LONG fucking time ago, because most of this happened months back- but I've been bottling it all up, because that's what you do, right? It's what you're expected to do, keep calm and carry on, but now I'm staring down the barrel of the rest of my life, and right now, it doesn't look so hot. I'm lonely, and feel twice my age.
If it weren't for the company of the friends I have left, like
nocturne and 
lunostophiles I would've gone mad a long-ass time ago.
And I started cutting myself. I've only done it a couple of times- but I've done it. So. Yeah. There's that.
I'm... just so tired.
God bless,
-Renard
I make no secret that I'm a christian. I'm just not a very good one, sometimes. Or at least, I don't think I am. I keep meaning to pray, but how can I when part of me actively resents what God supposedly has ordained for my life right now? Bah.
I've been very quiet- and when I do talk, I'm sporadic. I'm sorry about that, truly, I am. I haven't forgotten my commissions, (because I really do need the money) but I've just... hit burn out.
Part of that not being a very good christian thing stems from the fact that I have been doing something I know isn't morally right- but it was helping a friend out of a jam, AND he was going to pay me for it; quite handsomely I might add. Don't fret, it's nothing illegal, I'm not stealing anything, no one's dying or in any way harmed. I promised I wouldn't expand on it, but let's just say it involves writing. We all have our prices, no? Mine was one born out of desperation because with no job (while I'm at school, at least. I still go back to work for Disney in summer) I had no other way to make money. My burn out comes from a lot of stuff. I'm just... so tired, all of the time. I'm graduating in two weeks time and I should be happy- but I'm not. Make of that what you will. Might have something to do with the $53k I owe in student loans becaaaaaause private schools are expensive and most of my grants were taken away from me when I was fired from my job at school for not showing up to meetings I WAS NEVER TOLD ABOUT and was never GIVEN ANY WARNING about- seriously, without having one conversation, or write-up, or ANY disciplinary action taken against me, they straight up fired me, and they didn't even tell me about THAT until I got back to school from Winter break. Because life's a bitch.
Not to mention I was "removed" from my position as an RA last year NOT because my work was unsatisfactory, but because they "wanted to give someone else a chance"- someone, presumably, that isn't drowning in their own debt before they get their fucking diploma- because, again, fuck me.
And finally, my best friend, my dearest, most reliable friend, the person I loved as a brother, stabbed me in the fucking back, treated me like shit, and then kicked me to the curb- but NOT before he fleeced money from me like a fucking loan shark by pretending everything was happiness and sunshine and then LITERALLY THE DAY after he got his FUCKING money, he told me to fuck off. Some of you know who I'm talking about, don't say anything- I want to vent, not ruin someone's precious reputation, no matter how satisfying it would be.
I should've vented about all of this a LONG fucking time ago, because most of this happened months back- but I've been bottling it all up, because that's what you do, right? It's what you're expected to do, keep calm and carry on, but now I'm staring down the barrel of the rest of my life, and right now, it doesn't look so hot. I'm lonely, and feel twice my age.
If it weren't for the company of the friends I have left, like
nocturne and 
lunostophiles I would've gone mad a long-ass time ago.And I started cutting myself. I've only done it a couple of times- but I've done it. So. Yeah. There's that.
I'm... just so tired.
God bless,
-Renard
Commission List:
gmxmuscle (3 stories)
muscledragonwolf18 (2 stories)
AttyBB1- Twitter
paladin-scholfield (3 stories)
Hiro4546- Twitter
exatron
raro11
addylad
tankite
luprand
Sev- Twitter
tylerfurlong
C. Pack- Twitter
howlerfrostbite
jaykar
cedricbrowning
gmxmuscle (3 stories) 
muscledragonwolf18 (2 stories) AttyBB1- Twitter
paladin-scholfield (3 stories) Hiro4546- Twitter
exatron
raro11
addylad
tankite
luprandSev- Twitter
tylerfurlongC. Pack- Twitter
howlerfrostbite
jaykar
cedricbrowning 
What I've found that helps is finding just the right people to ask for help, no matter if it's for study help, venting, fellowship, emotional support, a good cuddle, etc. You're a good guy, Renard. A strong young man with a big heart and lots of courage. God's gonna do great things for you; sometimes we need to talk with other people to really see that. Do be careful with the cutting; I've had some friends get into it and it's a scary thing. Besides, you don't want scars covering up those glorious muscles, do you? :p
*offers a hug to the big lolf* I'll pray for you. Feel free to drop me a note or give FFC a visit.
That fucknut who stabbed you deserves to be punished for what he did. I know exactly what it feels like to trust someone for years before getting screwed out of left field.
Contrarily, you're not supposed to bottle anything up. It only escalates the problems. As does cutting yourself.
Student loans are a scam these days. Why a private school instead of public?
The fact that you've gotten this all out is a fantastic first step. Just remember what it's like to bottle it up, and try not to do it so much - moderate. It's okay to hold some things, but not everything. Remember that you're only human, and it's unhealthy to hold everything in.
You got my contacts if you ever need a word my man. Chin up <3
I know what it's like to struggle with school, with debt, with depression. It has a way of dragging you down, and down, compounding on itself, eating away at your confidence and your hope. It's really important, when you get stuck like that, to not bottle things up, and talk to people. So I'm glad you're doing this journal.
It sounds like things have really conspired against you lately.
I understand if you wouldn't want to, but if you do wanna talk, you can message me on Skype, or Steam, or notes on here, or even AIM if you'd rather I reinstall that. Lemme know.
It gets better trust me, life may seem super shitty right now and it can feel like an inescapable pit, but happiness comes in unexpected ways.
Cutting yourself is very serious, in good conscience I must implore you to seek professional counseling as soon as possible. You need an outlet for your feelings that isn't self harm.
It's my deepest hope you get better soon, but you're a strong, kind and very intelligent person so I am sure you'll be fine