I've been so conflicted in thought for the past several years ever since Bailey passed away. I've been conflicted with topics for songs and lyrics to write because my emotions are constantly on the flux. I am always ever changing on the inside and experiencing new feelings and emotions and mixes of all of the like at once. I have always been infatuated with Hope. Such a simple four letter word with such a strong meaning.

When it all boils down to it I hope that in the end I'll be reunited with my loved ones. I hope that in life I will be successful. I never knew what the word meant until one day I saw a beautiful black Great Dane puppy at a friends house I had just met. I didn't know it at the time the impact that she would have on my life and everyone whose lives she was involved in. What I did know then is that I could have only hoped that my life would have gotten better.

A few years went by and they weren't the best years of my life by any means. I did alot of horrible things, I took alot of drugs and I also had alot of good times. I didn't know the impact those "good" times would have on my life. Everything seemed so simple then. I grew more and more attatched to Bailey as time passed on. I worked for UPS and I was just nothing but a mere shadow of the boy I once was. Everything I ever told myself I wouldn't become I had became.

My good friends mother wasn't the best influence on us. I love her to death still to this day because she really is a wonderful person at heart. I can relate to her because alot of people suffer from the same sickness that is addiction as she does and as do I. She couldn't afford food for her dogs hardly ever, and I couldn't stand that so I would buy her dog's food every other week for the next year and a half. I would come over there even when Matt was away just to go see Bailey lol.

My birthday came up and I was of course spending it with my best friend over at his house with a few other buddies of ours. His mom took me into her bedroom for what I thought would just be a few lines and a happy birthday speech. Instead she was crying to me while she was telling me Happy Birthday and she gave me a huge long speech of how it made her smile seeing me and Bailey and how much Bailey admired me and how much I admired her back that she gave me Bailey for my birthday. She couldn't afford her and knew that I would treat her like the queen she is.

My adopted parents raised our family to treat dogs as equals, Matt's mother knew that I would give her the best life I could possibly give. My mother was terrified of big dogs, she wasn't cool with me bringing Bailey over there. But she also knew how depressed I was and how close I was to animals after my Rabbit passed away a year before. My parents have done nothing but try and try for me to give to me a better life and to make something out of myself. It's funny how it took a dog and all those years before hand to finally realize that.

Anyways, I took Bailey home and like it was at matt's house she never wanted to leave my side. She was my shadow and we were one. When I went to work she never left my room my parents would relucantly go check on her to make sure she was okay and sure enough she was. My mom used to say she would growl at her as she peered through the door and saw her on my bed waiting for me to come home. When I would come home it was like being reunited with a long lost mother or father I'd imagine. I miss that so much *cries*

Eventually, Bailey warmed up to my father and my mother. Soon after I had Bailey my father was diagnosed with hodgkins disease also known as lymphoma. He lost his job because of downsizing a few months prior to this. We had to move into a new neighborhood because we could no longer afford living in East Cobb and things changed for them. Life for me remained the same it was clouded by drugs and my own self pity.

My father was dieing and I was reluctant to spend time with him because of feeling guilty for who I had become. But Bailey was there for him every step of the way. He was home all day long and she kept him company and kept him busy and in good health because he would take her on these huge long walks through the neighborhood where she made quite the name for herself with all the kids. *whimpers* I can't thank her enough for what she did for my father when he was sick. It's hard to explain the relationship between a dog and a family without experiencing it firsthand.

That's what I want to do with music. But I'm not done with this story yet. I don't want to go into details of her death, I have done that many times before on my LJ. I was so close to her she brought me and my family together again, she helped my father when he was sick and practically on his deathbed because of the extent his cancer was at. She kept him on his toes and was by his side was very theraputic to us all during our hard times.

I wouldn't be here today if she hadn't come into my life when she did. I really wouldn't be I can't explain it but I would not be here typing this. I almost wasn't after she died but she left me behind this unique gift that I have been wanting to share with the world for the past few years now. I'm not quite ready yet because I'm still learning so much about this gift. But she gave me Hope in my life. When she died I thought I was going to lose that hope but I reconnect with it again through music and when I think of her now.

I've had so many great people get put into my life. I've lost alot of those good people literally they're no longer with me physically, but they're still with me. Music is timeless and if one person hears something somebody else might hear it through them. Maybe people will hear my stories about her hundreds of years from now and remember that there is Hope in this world. I never went looking for it, it sort of just found me. If you can hang on long enough I'm sure that it can find you too. I managed to make it this far and I will make it to the end without fear of the day that I die. It is then that I will be reunited with my friends and loved ones and family.

I suppose I live haunted by my past. Do you? By doing so it keeps me on edge to avoid making mistakes multiple times in a row. Though I live life and have regrets I don't consider them to be mistakes or regrets that I have not learned from.


I had to get that out there for some odd reason. This post was mad long and if you read this far *licks*


I wish I could tell you how I really feel about you
and not sound like Im a comin on too strong.

But lately man I'm a scared that if I don't find someone I'll be takin the road alone

So if your out there just know that I"m a thinkin of you

The best thing that could happen in my life would be you

Sometimes I wonder if you ever feel the same,
I'm kinda scared of gettin hurt again

Regardless of the outcome it's better than a nothin and I'll take that chance

I'm still a pretty young and my heart can take a hurtin

All I can do is hope for you to take a chance at lovin a me too!!

Cause I sure do think I could you!!

Cadbury

to a special Buster Doberman dawg *slurps*

I normally don't like to post things like this publically and I won't do so often. But this is a story one of many in my life and just a brief version of it. Also a bit of a song I came up with in my head inspired by the thoughts I had when thinking of a good friend.