(My panic attack appears to have peaked, though it's still in progress. It may color my words somewhat.)

It's not that any one artist is so all-important. Artists you like come and go.

I think what bothered me more, was how disturbingly easy it is to get in trouble, when you didn't know trouble was even around the corner to begin with.

When an artist told me my comments were me misbehaving, suddenly my understanding of the context was turned upside down, and I had a panic attack at the realization that I was the oblivious instigator. And when I have a panic attack, I don't always use the best judgment, because my amygdala is in overdrive. All I really know then is that I feel awful, and I want to find a way to make it better, but can often end up just making it worse.

I don't know exactly which thing I said or did that ended up getting me blocked. But trying to fave a new artwork only to be informed I had been blocked, was what triggered my second panic attack.

I have a strong, deep-seated fear of getting socially blindsided like that. And the way people react in cutting me off - especially when they don't tell me themselves - only makes the embarrassment and panic all the worse, because it seems like the moral this particular story is trying to tell me is "You're screwed. Stop trying anything, ever. Your thoughts and contributions are never welcome."

Logic tells me that reality is usually much more complicated than that pessimistic narrative. Logic tells me that I'm not the only person in the world. Logic tells me that people have their own lives to juggle, and the last thing they really need is to deal with someone like me in their day. They may even sympathize, but just cannot afford the patience involved. What I am may actually be what scares them off more than anything else. And that ultimately seems no less pessimistic, but at least then it's not quite so personal.

I can't necessarily fix all that. All I can do is try to be good. I keep wishing to be given a break more often. I'm eager to have a social life. I want to be a positive presence in other people's lives. And it would be especially nice if people I find most likable and interesting, actually gave me the benefit of the doubt.