So here I am, making a once in a blue moon journal ha ha, I really keep saying I should make more, but I never really have the energy to do so, anyways, today is a bit of a doozy, and I want to make it clear to people that this is neither a cry for attention, nor a suicide note, this is just something I've wanted to say for a long time, to myself and people around me, but something always stood in the way, usually my own concern for how people would view me, but I've decided to more or less take the anonymity of the internet and use it to vent, something I do rarely... SO HERE WE GO!

My name is Steve, I was gonna say my full name, or at least first and last, but eh, why? Anywho, I'm 31, about 5'8/5'9, pudgy, have brown hair and an orange beard (it's genetic, it's freaking weird, must be the irish heritage in me) and for the longest time, I've been unhappy, with my life in general to be honest. I've always just kind of aimlessly wandered through life, I never really figured out what I wanted to do with myself until later, and well, there are issues, most of which have now been resolved thankfully, that have stood in the way of me obtaining my dream. As for what my dream is, I want to to take courses in Marketing, and get into that job field, it is something that has always been of interest to me. Last year, I came closest to that dream then I have ever been, and it was snatched away from me in the span of an hour, due to what I will be talking about next, my financial situation.

I live on Social Assistance, I haven't had a job in a long time, and I get about 850 dollars a month to live off of, rent, bills, groceries, all take a chunk out of that, and since i have recently moved to a more expensive place, partly due to my belief that my dream was going to come true, and mostly because I lived in a too small basement apartment infested with bugs and mice before, basically I lived in a slum apartment, but I don't want to think about that place at all, so back on topic... My rent for the new house takes about half my monthly stipend, and then the bills take about two thirds of what remains, yeah, my hometown is expensive to live in, but it's kinda hard to move away for reasons I'll get into later, thing is, even when I lived in my old apartment, money was still always a concern, so it's not that it has become anything new, just that is has been more pronounced since finding a new place to live. With regards to why I don't have a job, that comes next.

I suffer from depression, and to be honest, it's fairly severe, I've been through many methods to control it, medications, which ended up with me wanting/attempting to kill myself because of them, shrinks, whom seemed more focused on me liking men and how that might be contributing to my feelings, meditation, which well, while relaxing, doesn't really change the thoughts that go through your head ya know? But yeah, I was diagnosed around... jeez, maybe I was 22 or so? I have a journal about it, but I don't know when that is dated ha ha, I'll go check after this, (Nope, that's just a different journal ah well) Anywho, I don't really get depressed to the point where I feel bad or want to hurt myself, but it's like a constant cloud that is hanging over me, ready at a moment to whisper in my ear that i am worthless or that I don't deserve anything, the usual stuff, and when that happens, my energy just drains. That is combined with my anxiety issues, I get... nervous around large groups of people, which I thank the local fur community for helping with, furmeets, around people I have known and come to be friends with, have greatly aided me in my... dealings with large groups, so much so that I even volunteer to help with the "Furry" booth at our local Sci-Fi convention, which i am looking forward to soon, it's nice to be able to talk to strangers and maybe clear up some misconceptions with them about furries. But in the end, a lot of times, my anxiety comes back, and I end up very tense, and I get dizzy, almost blacking out, and sometimes I actually do, it isn't something I like.

Next up, we get into the deep stuff, and that goes with my mental state as it has been over the past while... I've... well, I've wanted to kill myself, I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time now, but I don't act on them, they aren't overpowering, and I have been seeing professional help about it, so no worries, I don't intend to off myself at all, a few months back actually I had a small crisis where I was terrified of my own mortality ha ha, so since I got over that, I intend to try and enjoy my life. But the fact of the matter is that those thoughts are still there, and they hurt me, a lot... each day I wake up, I feel like a lump, I have no direction, I feel like I want someone to just say a few magic words, to invite me over, to spend time with me, and yet, at the same time, I shun them away, I don't want it, I want to be alone, it's a struggle sometimes to figure out which words are mine, and which are just the ones I make up in my head ya know? It's still scary though, to look around, see things, and feel a thought or two work its way through my mind about how I could use it to hurt myself, or how people would be happier if I was dead, selfish thoughts, thoughts I don't want to have because I'm ashamed of them. But I can't... talk to anyone about it because my friends and family have their own problems, and discussing this stuff with them seems like a burden, it's weird, I'm an adult, but when it comes to this stuff, I feel like a scared little kid, hell, this journal doesn't even make a whole lot of sense, but I am just letting my fingers type out the things that are racing through my mind right now, so my apologies. It's an odd feeling, wanting to die, feeling like it would be for the best, but at the same time, a voice of reason screams at me and tells me not to do that, for my sake and the sake of others.

I haven't had a bad life, or a rough life by any stretch of the imagination... my father always worked to keep me and my mother happy, and my brother too when he came along, he worked at a job I am sure he hates, and he did it even while suffering his own depression, my mom told me stories about him, and to this day, I admire his conviction and strength, things which I'm still lacking in a way. But if I ever need anything, they will help, even if I don't want it, basically I guess it comes down to me feeling like a typical stereotype of a manchild, even though I have tried so hard and still continue to try to make my life better, and not be that kind of a person... but when it comes down to it, I'm just unhappy, and I don't know if it's the depression or just myself in any way, how I view myself, and my search to find the kind of strength I want to have, every reason I give for how things are a certain way feels like an excuse, like I should just be able to say, it won't be that way and just change it magically, I don't know, I just wanted to rant, and vent, and I'm sure the people I wanted to say things to will see this, some will be concerned, some will be annoyed, some will see it as just bitching, and that's fine, well, not the concerned part, I'm just letting things out right now, anyways, I'm gonna go make some food and relax, I haven't eaten yet today, see you guys later!