FA+
Shop
I'm still alive...
10 years ago
Hello...to anyone still paying attention to my posts. I know I've not been chatting to people or posting anything in a good while and I wanted to reassure people that I am alive.
I'm just at a point in my life where I've lost my drive for things. Games don't give me the thrill they used to. I've lost interest in the few hobbies I had. I barely go anywhere or do much of anything anymore. I've lost contact with so many people I used to hold close. I feel as though something desperately needs to change or I might end up in a bad state of mind, again.
Warning: I will most likely ramble on about emotional stuff after this point.
I just don't know what to do with my life... It seems as though no matter what I try, I can't do anything right. Every time I feel happy, something sad ruins it. In 25 years, I've yet to find my purpose, my reason for being. I've yet to understand any of this existence. I can't find a point in life or myself.
Have you ever had the feeling like you're supposed to do something, but you can't remember what it is? Every time I feel like I might know what that something is, life smacks me in the face and the cols reality of my life sinks back in. For instance, remember a year or so ago when the Mars 1 program was announced? I was genuinely thrilled to hear about NASA finally sending a group of people to colonize (or test colonization) another planet! I wanted nothing more than to be apart of that; to explore a new world ripe with opportunity and be of use instead of just dead weight. However, when I went to their website and started watching the entry videos of everyone else, the same sinking feeling I was all to used to came crawling back up my spine. I saw people with hopes, dreams, skills, and talents far outweighing anything I could think up. It hit me that I had nothing to offers; nothing to bring to the table in a mission such as that. I never sent in a video for the Mars 1 program. Not because it was a one-way trip (something I was fine with) nor the fact my mother said she'd kill me if I left to go into space. I gave up because I realized that I would be nothing more than dead weight to them.
Hell, the realization is that in 25 years, I've been a moderate student averaging B's in high school and then flunking out of college, I've been a fast food waiter, delivery driver, telemarketer, salesman, and food vendor. Just as I'm sure millions of other people have been and will continue to be. I've made no mark on history nor on society (online or otherwise). I've never known love beyond that of the basic love for our family.
And in those 25 years, I've had no hopes, aspirations, dreams, or goals. I've lived day to day my entire life except for a few fleeting instances where I thought I could make a change and try something new and bold only to find myself failing again and falling right back into the same rut my life has always been in. In another 25 years, I may be gone. The average lifespan of males in my family is around 50 years anyway (even with modern science and healthcare keeping people alive a lot longer than they used to). So, is this a mid-life crisis? Perhaps a 1/4 life crisis?
Perhaps it's nothing...
I'm just at a point in my life where I've lost my drive for things. Games don't give me the thrill they used to. I've lost interest in the few hobbies I had. I barely go anywhere or do much of anything anymore. I've lost contact with so many people I used to hold close. I feel as though something desperately needs to change or I might end up in a bad state of mind, again.
Warning: I will most likely ramble on about emotional stuff after this point.
I just don't know what to do with my life... It seems as though no matter what I try, I can't do anything right. Every time I feel happy, something sad ruins it. In 25 years, I've yet to find my purpose, my reason for being. I've yet to understand any of this existence. I can't find a point in life or myself.
Have you ever had the feeling like you're supposed to do something, but you can't remember what it is? Every time I feel like I might know what that something is, life smacks me in the face and the cols reality of my life sinks back in. For instance, remember a year or so ago when the Mars 1 program was announced? I was genuinely thrilled to hear about NASA finally sending a group of people to colonize (or test colonization) another planet! I wanted nothing more than to be apart of that; to explore a new world ripe with opportunity and be of use instead of just dead weight. However, when I went to their website and started watching the entry videos of everyone else, the same sinking feeling I was all to used to came crawling back up my spine. I saw people with hopes, dreams, skills, and talents far outweighing anything I could think up. It hit me that I had nothing to offers; nothing to bring to the table in a mission such as that. I never sent in a video for the Mars 1 program. Not because it was a one-way trip (something I was fine with) nor the fact my mother said she'd kill me if I left to go into space. I gave up because I realized that I would be nothing more than dead weight to them.
Hell, the realization is that in 25 years, I've been a moderate student averaging B's in high school and then flunking out of college, I've been a fast food waiter, delivery driver, telemarketer, salesman, and food vendor. Just as I'm sure millions of other people have been and will continue to be. I've made no mark on history nor on society (online or otherwise). I've never known love beyond that of the basic love for our family.
And in those 25 years, I've had no hopes, aspirations, dreams, or goals. I've lived day to day my entire life except for a few fleeting instances where I thought I could make a change and try something new and bold only to find myself failing again and falling right back into the same rut my life has always been in. In another 25 years, I may be gone. The average lifespan of males in my family is around 50 years anyway (even with modern science and healthcare keeping people alive a lot longer than they used to). So, is this a mid-life crisis? Perhaps a 1/4 life crisis?
Perhaps it's nothing...
A warm heart, and a good soul sometimes is the bes reward. Its hard in this world to find your big dream, but the small ones are whT matter.
Also I know how it feels to be in a rut with depression and I have been to very dark places, some with guns in my hand ready to fire, but what kept that trigger from being pulled for me is the thought of how my family would be effected and what they would go through.
One last thing to say also is that, and this will sound harsh but I don't mean it to be, sometimes we are meant not to be the bringer of something new or great or memorable but instead we are meant to be the one to inspire that greatness or spark that idea in someone else
And now I am second guessing everything I said here because of what life is whispering in my ear, but instead of listening to it and deleting all of this and going away I am going to kick life in the balls, cross my fingers that none of this offends anyone and press add reply
I still miss talking with you, and I've been really worried. Please hit me up here or on Skype; I wanna catch up with you.
I am here for you always, if you need me to be, you are one of the few people I will consider a deep and true friend always for that is what you mean to me, as a friend and as somebody I have always cared about. To know you are somewhat okay is a relief to me, to know you are having these thoughts is a worry to me, though I also understand so much of this it almost hurts to do so