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Mournful Venting
10 years ago
General
Pardon me if I write this here, I'd write this on my facebook post but... too many family are there, and I just need to vent here.
last night my cousin's wife, after fighting an aggressive appendix cancer, lost her battle with it. She was 39 years old, and left behind 2 kids, 12 and 17, and her husband. I met with her whenever her husband made visits up to Canada. She came up here to visit twice, and was always cheery, eager to help around the house whenever she stayed.
The cancer took it's toll not just on her, but her family. Because she lived in the US, and, the US don't give a shit about it's citizens, her work health insurance ran out, they had to sell their home and live in a small apartment. She underwent aggressive chemotherapy for 9 months before she finally stopped, she couldn't take constantly vomiting, having anything in her stomach would cause her to throw up violently. She couldn't take that, so she stopped, and just enjoyed what limited life was allotted to her.
Now.. my mom's in the US, doing her nursely duties to try and help, somehow.
And I feel guilt for not being there, I feel guilt for not doing enough, I feel guilt... for feeling bad because I am not the one who lost his wife, I am not the one who lost their mother. Part of me wants to curse out whatever "God" exists, a deity who would create such suffering like this, and yet somehow have millions of people worship him and thank him for it?!
*sigh*
I HATE feeling so bloody helpless and afar.
last night my cousin's wife, after fighting an aggressive appendix cancer, lost her battle with it. She was 39 years old, and left behind 2 kids, 12 and 17, and her husband. I met with her whenever her husband made visits up to Canada. She came up here to visit twice, and was always cheery, eager to help around the house whenever she stayed.
The cancer took it's toll not just on her, but her family. Because she lived in the US, and, the US don't give a shit about it's citizens, her work health insurance ran out, they had to sell their home and live in a small apartment. She underwent aggressive chemotherapy for 9 months before she finally stopped, she couldn't take constantly vomiting, having anything in her stomach would cause her to throw up violently. She couldn't take that, so she stopped, and just enjoyed what limited life was allotted to her.
Now.. my mom's in the US, doing her nursely duties to try and help, somehow.
And I feel guilt for not being there, I feel guilt for not doing enough, I feel guilt... for feeling bad because I am not the one who lost his wife, I am not the one who lost their mother. Part of me wants to curse out whatever "God" exists, a deity who would create such suffering like this, and yet somehow have millions of people worship him and thank him for it?!
*sigh*
I HATE feeling so bloody helpless and afar.
every pay packet a small percentage is taken from wages to pay towards the healthcare which covers you for life.
when i was working i had a maximum of 25% taken from my weekly wages, my top line was £200 a week, after tax and national insurance my take home pay was £160, now depending on how much you earned there was a cap per week.
now if the usa did what Canada, the uk, new Zealand and Australian nations do healthcare then everyone could get free care on everything.
granted a lot of people have private care but that's just rich fucks trying to skip the cue and push the ones who get it free down the list.
Feeling guilt is normal. Don't let it eat you alive. NOT feeling guilt is when you have it bad. With cancer, the only thing you can do is be there when you can, however you can. Your mother is there helping out, your family knows you wish you could be there too, and they understand. You can't be everywhere, you can't do everything, and cancer... it just does what it does. You can't let it eat you up inside.
I know what you feel, how you feel and what it is doing to you, I have been there 7 times with 5 family members passing away and 2 very close friends due to that fucking disease.
I felt useless, I felt worthless, I felt I could have done more, said more, tried more.
I felt no matter what I did I felt it was not enough, times I sat down and I just cried sometimes for no reason other times when a memory just pops into my mind and I just cant help but cry because in my mind if I did enough they would still be here.
from my experience all I can say is this, ....... focus on family and friends, focus on the happy memories, i know you want to help as much as you can but do it covertly, send then memorable gifts that help them remember the good times, let them remember there happy times.
raptor i wanna just grab and hug you and let you know everything will be fine and well...the truth is, everything WILL be fine, but it is natural to feel what you feel, it will never go away but it will subside just don't let it over power you.
be strong for them, because they will be strong for you when the time arrives.
your a good friend on here, facebook and in SL and i'll always be your friend man