This is going to be hard for me. I've never been good at expressing my feelings. It's still hard to believe you're gone. Today should be something special, a celebration with our friends. Instead I'm left here crying by myself. I feel empty inside, I have for a long time. The warmth that was there is missing. I made mistakes and got lost for a bit. Though I know it doesn't excuse what I've done, I just felt so guilty for what happened to you.

Your passing hurt me a lot, I blamed myself in the beginning. I kept blaming myself for a long time after I found out the truth. I'm so sorry for what you went through. Everything you said to me makes more sense now. I'm trying my best to keep my promises to you. It's hard to be happy, to keep that smile on my face. I won't stop trying though, not ever.

There are so many little things I miss. Your laugh, the way you would chew your lip nervously before you kissed me, and yes even your smart-ass mouth. How when I got frustrated while trying to do stuff like tie my shoe you wouldn't make me ask for help. Just crouch down, smack my hands out of the way, tie it for me, kiss me on the cheek and then act like nothing happened. I regret not telling you how much things like that really meant to me. How those sweet moments always made my day.

Although I feel like you already know all this. I just wanted to tell you how much I truly loved you. That I hope it's better wherever you are now, that I'm sorry, and I still miss you.

Happy Birthday T -hugs-