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Black Clouds and Silver Linings
10 years ago
I've been reluctant and, well, a little embarrassed to make this update.
My last journal was going over how I was finally past a ton of things that had been keeping me too stressed, too busy, or both, to spend the time I wanted on doing art...
Well, once those things were all out of the way, I was faced with a realization I'd been gradually beginning to suspect, but then suddenly couldn't deny at all anymore.
It wasn't the stress of the problems or the lack of money or the other things that were getting to me. Once they were gone and everything was supposed to be cake and flowers and other happy things... nothing changed. I was still as bad as ever, only now for no discernible reason.
It became undeniable that I've been just willing myself not to see the growing depression and anxiety that have been grinding me down a little at a time for close to 15 years now, and it's reached the point where even when all I want to do is use my new found free time to draw... I'm still lucky to be able to actually sit and do it for a couple hours a week, and since I'm not working on it every day, the results in those couple hours are frustratingly sub-par.
I've done 5 or 6 attempts on one or another of the sketch commissions in my queue and haven't managed one that is up to my standard for art I'm providing someone who paid for it.
So I had to dive back in to dealing with other things...fixing my surroundings to be more conducive to motivation and productivity, going to a support group, trying to find a good lgbt-friendly therapist that I can afford to go to with my barely-better-than-nothing insurance...
But I've had as many good days in the last week as I can remember having in such a short time in probably the last 4 years, and my workspace isn't a den of cluttered junk but somewhere that actually makes me want to work again.
I'm so sorry for the delays, and you've all been so patient with me that I feel awful that I don't have posts yet, but they should come soon.
If you commissioned me and have any concerns, please feel free to message me, I'll do whatever is in my power to work things out, even if that means a refund (although I'd like to still keep the commission as a request, so I can make it up to you when I am ultimately in a more functional situation.
My last journal was going over how I was finally past a ton of things that had been keeping me too stressed, too busy, or both, to spend the time I wanted on doing art...
Well, once those things were all out of the way, I was faced with a realization I'd been gradually beginning to suspect, but then suddenly couldn't deny at all anymore.
It wasn't the stress of the problems or the lack of money or the other things that were getting to me. Once they were gone and everything was supposed to be cake and flowers and other happy things... nothing changed. I was still as bad as ever, only now for no discernible reason.
It became undeniable that I've been just willing myself not to see the growing depression and anxiety that have been grinding me down a little at a time for close to 15 years now, and it's reached the point where even when all I want to do is use my new found free time to draw... I'm still lucky to be able to actually sit and do it for a couple hours a week, and since I'm not working on it every day, the results in those couple hours are frustratingly sub-par.
I've done 5 or 6 attempts on one or another of the sketch commissions in my queue and haven't managed one that is up to my standard for art I'm providing someone who paid for it.
So I had to dive back in to dealing with other things...fixing my surroundings to be more conducive to motivation and productivity, going to a support group, trying to find a good lgbt-friendly therapist that I can afford to go to with my barely-better-than-nothing insurance...
But I've had as many good days in the last week as I can remember having in such a short time in probably the last 4 years, and my workspace isn't a den of cluttered junk but somewhere that actually makes me want to work again.
I'm so sorry for the delays, and you've all been so patient with me that I feel awful that I don't have posts yet, but they should come soon.
If you commissioned me and have any concerns, please feel free to message me, I'll do whatever is in my power to work things out, even if that means a refund (although I'd like to still keep the commission as a request, so I can make it up to you when I am ultimately in a more functional situation.
Is anything better now than it was at the time?
Learning Spanish has been very helpful in reminding me daily that even little bits of effort can build to something better in the long run.
Also finally finding the problem with my car so it runs reliably is a huge load off and facilitate improving stuff as well.