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Fucking brief movie reviews.
10 years ago
Seen a rash of pretty good (and some not-so-good) horror-themed movies of late, figure'd I'd share my take on 'em.
Debug (2014):
Team of government-sanctioned criminal hackers have to retrieve a derilict prison ship after wiping the security AI, which (hurdur) fights back. Has been cited as the "Event Horizon" of this generation. Stick with Event Horizon. Suspenseful, creepy, some genuinely cool parts and presmises, but meh. It's alright, just feels a cunthair-width too B-movie for my tastes.
Oh, it's also got that Peeta fucknut in it. He plays a dweeby cunt. He dies. I laughed. <3
... Nah, nevermind. It's worth it, just for that part. :D
Open Grave:
VERY GOOD MOVIE. Keeps you guessing right to the end, suspenseful, powerful, very worth the watch. Won't spoil it, just get it, watch it, and watch it again! <3
Cube:
Much like a Rubik's Cube, it's a puzzle. Much like the puzzle, this miserable pile of diseased yeasty rectal discharge hurts my brain, and makes me wonder why I'm even trying to enjoy it, in the first place.
It starts off with a really interesting premise, a bunch of randomly gathered/kidnapped prisoners in a bigass cube-maze filled with brutal traps, and the ENTIRE MIDDLE HALF of the movie is them figuring out the math to keep from running into the trap rooms vs. the safe rooms, on their way to the exit. The cop among them is the only villain. NO explanation to the reason the death maze was made is given. Only Rainman gets out.
It's long, it's tedious, it's boring. Fuck this shit.
Europa Report:
SPAAAAAAACE!
Spoiler alert, (for which you will thank me) because I'm saving you your precious time; everyone dies, there's life on Europa, much science, such discovery, wow. Had a great premise and execution, right up to them landing on the moon's surface. My suspenders of disbelief snapped and left my balls being caressed by the wind the moment they drilled through TEN MILES OF ICE IN A SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Never mind the creepycrawlies that terrorize them do so from BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE ICE. TEN MILES THICK. Nuh-uh, not diggin' it, and this one GLARING problem could have been corrected with even a MINIMUM of research into the moon in question. Pass.
As Above, So Below:
"Urban Archaeologist" (That's not a thing. It's just plain Archaeology. :B) discovers supposed entryway to hell whilst searching for the Philosopher's Stone. Creepy, horrific, suspenseful. Makes no goddamn sense, but I liked it.
Devil's Pass:
College student recording her Thesis for her Masters in Dumbfuckery cajoles 4 other hikers into following the footsteps of the Dyatlov Pass incident, wherein all 9 hikers mysteriously died at the base of the Ural Mountains.
Dragged on at times when they were camped and just talking, but this fucker kept me wondering and creepified, right to the end. See it. I'm not sayin' shit about it.
******
Fin.
Also, finally back to a daily artin' schedule. If I don't have something posted tonight, it should be no later than by this next dawn, and more, afterward. :3
Debug (2014):
Team of government-sanctioned criminal hackers have to retrieve a derilict prison ship after wiping the security AI, which (hurdur) fights back. Has been cited as the "Event Horizon" of this generation. Stick with Event Horizon. Suspenseful, creepy, some genuinely cool parts and presmises, but meh. It's alright, just feels a cunthair-width too B-movie for my tastes.
Oh, it's also got that Peeta fucknut in it. He plays a dweeby cunt. He dies. I laughed. <3
... Nah, nevermind. It's worth it, just for that part. :D
Open Grave:
VERY GOOD MOVIE. Keeps you guessing right to the end, suspenseful, powerful, very worth the watch. Won't spoil it, just get it, watch it, and watch it again! <3
Cube:
Much like a Rubik's Cube, it's a puzzle. Much like the puzzle, this miserable pile of diseased yeasty rectal discharge hurts my brain, and makes me wonder why I'm even trying to enjoy it, in the first place.
It starts off with a really interesting premise, a bunch of randomly gathered/kidnapped prisoners in a bigass cube-maze filled with brutal traps, and the ENTIRE MIDDLE HALF of the movie is them figuring out the math to keep from running into the trap rooms vs. the safe rooms, on their way to the exit. The cop among them is the only villain. NO explanation to the reason the death maze was made is given. Only Rainman gets out.
It's long, it's tedious, it's boring. Fuck this shit.
Europa Report:
SPAAAAAAACE!
Spoiler alert, (for which you will thank me) because I'm saving you your precious time; everyone dies, there's life on Europa, much science, such discovery, wow. Had a great premise and execution, right up to them landing on the moon's surface. My suspenders of disbelief snapped and left my balls being caressed by the wind the moment they drilled through TEN MILES OF ICE IN A SINGLE FUCKING DAY. Never mind the creepycrawlies that terrorize them do so from BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE ICE. TEN MILES THICK. Nuh-uh, not diggin' it, and this one GLARING problem could have been corrected with even a MINIMUM of research into the moon in question. Pass.
As Above, So Below:
"Urban Archaeologist" (That's not a thing. It's just plain Archaeology. :B) discovers supposed entryway to hell whilst searching for the Philosopher's Stone. Creepy, horrific, suspenseful. Makes no goddamn sense, but I liked it.
Devil's Pass:
College student recording her Thesis for her Masters in Dumbfuckery cajoles 4 other hikers into following the footsteps of the Dyatlov Pass incident, wherein all 9 hikers mysteriously died at the base of the Ural Mountains.
Dragged on at times when they were camped and just talking, but this fucker kept me wondering and creepified, right to the end. See it. I'm not sayin' shit about it.
******
Fin.
Also, finally back to a daily artin' schedule. If I don't have something posted tonight, it should be no later than by this next dawn, and more, afterward. :3
Lemme know what you see and how you like 'em. :3
Also, BLOOD OCEAN.
Ok, so more like a tidal wave...
Had to go for the Metalocalypse reference...
I Enjoy Event Horizon for the bad movie it is..I got maybe.. 15min into Debug and I was already rooting for the first death, except I wanted ship explosion.. which would have made the movie very short... oh wait!
*Unless said movie is made in Japan, then expect blood, explosion, and fire.
IT HAS A SEQUEL.
HYPERCUBE
I'm not sure if they realized how bad the first one was and decided to go tongue in cheek with it, or they just decided to ditch the shovel and switch to dynamite because THEY WERNT DIGGING THEIR GRAVE FAST ENOUGH, but hypercube decided to go the mindfuck route while still sucking the nastiest, most rancid fart from the asshole of the first movie. Watch knowing you will never recover the time you wasted on it.
Did I mention it's bad?
Also... I didn't like Event Horizon, thought it sucked.
*shrugs* Whatevz, you can like what you like, plus the inverse. T's all geeeeewd. :3