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Rant... ignore if you don't want to know about it.
10 years ago
So, I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to begin that new weight loss program next month, due to my money problems. I have done everything I can. I have featured art, posted to groups, Im even selling my Playstation for 120$... and with how heavy I am, I could die in the next two months. I know a lot of people don't have money to help me out, I know a lot of people don't want to spend their money on a beginner artists just for food. But here's the thing -- Even my god damned mother doesn't care. I asked her for help, and all she said was "K". Okay, wow. Thank you mother.
THIS is my job. I cannot work out in the public, with my service dog. IF I COULD I WOULD. My mother and a few randoms need to realize I AM NOT NORMAL. You put me out in an environment I am uncomfortable in, I will hurt someone. I already have tried. So now what? I keep waiting? The first of May is going to be here before I even know it... and I still have 168$ for food. I need body soap, I need to feed my dog, I need to take her to the vet, I need to buy clothes. This weight loss program has a strict food diet. STRICT. I don't even have the list of can's and can't's and it's already strict. The place I live is owned by two elderly folks, a hoarder, a 10 year old girl, and me, my boyfriend and three dogs. One is mine and I take care of her.
I know I need my own home, I'm terrified of going into housing because I was in it with my mom for 3 years. It is so hard to get out of Housing. My mom is trying and she is struggling. I don't want to struggle the rest of my life, but It's coming close to me having to go into housing soon. I get 88$ for food each month from the government, and 733$ for personal things. THIS MONTH I need my laptop, one that can push out art, streams, and help me to work faster without crashing every 10 minutes.
I hate my life. I hate it to the point of admitting myself to the hospital again and being told I'm worth something by strangers. THAT in itself makes me uncomfortable, you do not know me. You do not know what I have been through, or what I have done. Stop that. I am of NO importance to strangers. I know it, you know it. Quit.
So yeah. FUck my life I'm going to die in two months.
Perhaps you should try housing, even if it sucks and all. You say your mother is struggling to get out of it? From what I've heard from you and what I do know about you is that YOU. ARE. NOT. YOUR. MOTHER. If you put your mind to it, you can do things. As stated before, yeah it's going to be one hell of a ride and it's going to be tough as hell. You can even save money up on the side when you do start to make more artwork as well, and put that towards getting out of housing once Kohai has a job and you even have enough money saved for an apartment and everything. Even if it means staying there for a year or so. At least then you know you'll have a better place to live and everything, even if it is housing. There you can at least start to save up money whilst paying the bills and necessities that you have there. Then everything extra you store in your savings account until you reach a certain goal for a down payment of an apartment that isn't housing.
As for your weight, keep doing what you're doing with your daily walks. Put money aside for healthier food or even things like nutri-grain bars bars, health yogurts, and even some vitamins. Start eating Wheat bread instead of white bread, and start eating small things at least three times a day, ESPECIALLY breakfast. Keep drinking water all day to keep your metabolism going. Start finding things to help you that you can do on your own on the internet when it comes to quickening your metabolism, exercising and all of that. If you want help finding these things, I will help you.
ALSO FIX YOUR SLEEPING SCHEDULE.
I may not be there in person with you, but I WILL try this with you and I will make sure to message you a lot through this. If I don't message you, YOU MESSAGE ME. Kohai should even be doing this and helping you and if he doesn't, I will lecture him and get him into the attitude to help you through it. Find your motivation in life, even if it's small. Accomplish your small goals first and keep going from there until you start accomplishing your bigger goals.
If you start slipping and realize you don't feel motivated to do what you were doing, find another motivation or kick yourself in the ass. TRY. Breaks are fine but only once a day every so often. But NOT until you accomplish your first goal. Post Sticky-notes everywhere to help you.
I love you as my role-play daughter and as my best friend, even if we don't talk everyday. I hate seeing you depressed and sometimes I don't even know what to do half the time. But feel free to always annoy the hell out of me when you need to.
P.S. I'll probably add more to this when i think of it.