Since I rethought how I do things relating to characters, art and stories and doodled Shackles & Shambles on the bus last Friday, things've been great. I rethought all that stuff a while before I drew them, but just the fact that I'd gotten back to the way things were way back in middle school when original thoughts still lived in my head, I've been relentlessly cheerful and alive. I love the few new characters I've made since that time, especially Shackles & Shambles.

I indirectly blame the sudden change from original things to things that were so heavily inspired by things that they were essentially just a cheap rip-off on my best friend. When I first met her, she made a huge impression on me because she was so different than my friends; rather than the sort of random humour my friends had, she laughed at things that were actually funny and disapproved of a lot of my behaviour. Naturally, being the eager-to-please and highly-impressionable me, I wanted to be like her.

She disapproved of most of my ideas, and so I forgot about them and moved on to create things that she liked, which were mainly characters inspired by things. Soon, I required a flush of inspiration brought on by something I'd seen on TV or in a movie to make a new anything. Year or so later, I reflected back on my middle school days as being "silly."

Probably a month or so ago, I noticed how many of my characters were unoriginal pieces of horse dung. Most of them acted the same or were unpleasant to me in some way, and I really didn't like it. At all. SO, I was trying to break the old habits I had of trying to be like everyone else because I was too insecure to rely on myself.

Then, I had a kick in the mental-pants that I won't mention in-depth and I got myself into gear. I threw out my old ways of doing things and searched for the muse I had way back when, back in the days of angsty tween rage and in-the-closet (I'm a gay transsexual and proud of it, bitches) suicidal tendencies.

Now, onto what this journal is about.. I think I've found it again, or at least part of it, but the problem is that I feel like it's driving away my best friend. She doesn't like my new characters at all. She doesn't like any aspect of them and finds them creepy and disturbing. Since I don't want to do things the way I used to with her, it seems as though we can't roleplay, or even talk, like we used to. I really think that we're quickly drifting apart.

The problem with trying to mend this relationship is that I'm afraid that I'll slip back into my old ways and became another mindless drone that can't draw a stick figure without comparing it to someone else's to make sure it's ok. I'm trying too hard to kick my old habits and reinvent myself to have that happen again.

I don't know what to do.