I can't (venting)
10 years ago
I just can't..... I can't take it. I don't want to lose my friends..... I don't. My friends mean so much to me and to lose one feels like a hole being drilled into my heart and ripped out over and over. I write this with tears streaming down my face.... Please, anyone who knows me, anyone who talks to me, TELL ME!
What am I doing wrong? What is WRONG with me?
Am I mean?
Am I a bad person?
Am I nasty?
Am I hurtful?
Am I disrespectful?
I......*cries*....... I just don't know anymore.
I can't lose anymore friends...... I want to change if I need to change, no matter what.
I wish I would have never argued, never contradicted, never given my opinion when it wasn't agreeable.
But hind sight is 20/20, and I must be FUCKING blind......
To anyone I've ever hurt..... I'm sorry......I'm so, SO, sorry, and I hope you will find it in your heart(s) to forgive me.
What am I doing wrong? What is WRONG with me?
Am I mean?
Am I a bad person?
Am I nasty?
Am I hurtful?
Am I disrespectful?
I......*cries*....... I just don't know anymore.
I can't lose anymore friends...... I want to change if I need to change, no matter what.
I wish I would have never argued, never contradicted, never given my opinion when it wasn't agreeable.
But hind sight is 20/20, and I must be FUCKING blind......
To anyone I've ever hurt..... I'm sorry......I'm so, SO, sorry, and I hope you will find it in your heart(s) to forgive me.
In your time on this world, you form opinions, mentalities, and ideologies that are wholly your own from your experiences and life lessons.
But this view you have is not shared by all. It is not something you can simply sit and state that everyone will think similar to you.
Friends come and go- Some feel protected by the internet as their shield, and act out irresponsibly as a result; Some will abandon those online simply because they do not have the capacity to understand that it is not merely text on a screen.
Still others will attach themselves desperately to those that they know online in lieu of actual relationships and friends in life, forging bonds
on the internet instead, and taking solace in them. Regardless of your approach in this world, one thing remains the same- Nothing is forever.
The only thing you can do is move forward.
Yes, you will hurt- You will wail at the heavens and gnash your teeth in frustration.
Yes, you will suffer the loss of friends; For friendships are not eternal, and just because you are friends now does not gain you immunity from falling out as such.
Question what you may have done wrong, but do not allow hurtful words to blind you from the truth: That as much as you may care, they may simply not.
I know what you say is true in my heart........ But to lose someone I cared so deeply for years..... It will be a long time before I give up on them one day forgiving me and us becoming friends again..... To hope until I can't bare to hope anymore lest it tear me apart.
Thank you so much for your kind words.... I won't forget it.
But know that the truth is far from pretty at times.
But time will pass when those wounds will scar
And you will become stronger for the experience.
Never give up. But never let yourself fall into the same mistake.
A heart may be willing to love again, but to give it freely is sometimes the best way to be hurt.