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I hate to do this... (this journal is cancer)
10 years ago
Warning:
This journal shouldn't turn out to be that way in the first place, since it used to be a warning itself.
Yet it turned into drama already. Extreme drama. Like...just back off if you can't take that shit. It's the better for both of us that way.
"THIS JOURNAL IS CANCEEER!"
Shit. I hate causing drama. But I'm back to this shitty mood again. The next journal I may write might be really long and all about me. Maybe the time has come I finally want to write about my feelings. Ew. Actually I wanted to do that a long time or some months ago, but back then I thought about talking in a video. But no, writing is so much easier for me.
So this is kind of a warning. I don't want to annoy people too much, I'm annoying enough by now I know.
I don't have time to write a long journal by now anymore. Fact is that I'm feeling extremely desperate and I want to start an attempt of trying to explain myself to people more. I don't know, I just want to be understood. I know how pathetic that sounds, but I just really don't know how to tell all of that crap.
No matter how hard I try to explain how embarrassing these kind of journals are for me and how often I try to apologize for them, it just doesn't justify any of that behaviour in my opinion. My attempts of justifying things are always so poor, I know. Just...sorry. I'm just so sorry for being so shitty again. So sorry for the crappy drama and all of that disgusting unnecessary shit.
I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm ruining people's mood...
Also I'm so well aware some hours later or after sleep I'll be all "optimistic" again and look back at myself from some hours ago and be like "oh shut up, crybaby. It's all going to be just fiiine. Stop being such an annoying fuck, asshole"
Nice. There goes myself rubbing my personality disorder/identity crisis on people's faces.
I should really stop by now. Sorry...
Yet I can't. I don't even want to do/write this. Why am I doing it then? I just don't understand myself. I feel like I've lost control over myself. And that has happened many times actually, now that I think about it. Sometimes there's just something in my brain taking control and I can't help but sort of watch myself doing stupid things. Then there are people who think I'm going to kill others because of it. That's such a stupid cliché. I hate humans, I really do. But that doesn't make me a killer (yet).
I don't want to take meds. I don't want to go back to psychiatry, since it brings me down even more. I was there for 3 weeks and I feel like something's broken since then.
Why the hell am I writing all of this shit? Right know I wish for a journal-scrap option, so it's not visible to all people out there (or at least it'd be hidden).
I will hate myself so much for this.
Time to give myself an ultimatum. I'll just go to bed now and so this stupid journal won't be continued.
I case you read all of that shit:
1. Thanks for that
2. Sorry.
3. Let's have a laugh when I delete this
4. Shit is full of me
5. I like myself way more when I'm that bouncy sassy fucker like ;)) B) mm
kaykay short little thingy before really going offline:
I feel a little better know that I've found that definition for this journal being a cancer. I feel proud of that shit. So just have a laugh at this journal saying "This journal is cancer YEEAAAY!"
Let's make an insider out of this. Everytime I turn to this silly mood just say that I'm/that journal is cancer ;))
*waits for people to judge cause of cancer-jokes*
This journal shouldn't turn out to be that way in the first place, since it used to be a warning itself.
Yet it turned into drama already. Extreme drama. Like...just back off if you can't take that shit. It's the better for both of us that way.
"THIS JOURNAL IS CANCEEER!"
Shit. I hate causing drama. But I'm back to this shitty mood again. The next journal I may write might be really long and all about me. Maybe the time has come I finally want to write about my feelings. Ew. Actually I wanted to do that a long time or some months ago, but back then I thought about talking in a video. But no, writing is so much easier for me.
So this is kind of a warning. I don't want to annoy people too much, I'm annoying enough by now I know.
I don't have time to write a long journal by now anymore. Fact is that I'm feeling extremely desperate and I want to start an attempt of trying to explain myself to people more. I don't know, I just want to be understood. I know how pathetic that sounds, but I just really don't know how to tell all of that crap.
No matter how hard I try to explain how embarrassing these kind of journals are for me and how often I try to apologize for them, it just doesn't justify any of that behaviour in my opinion. My attempts of justifying things are always so poor, I know. Just...sorry. I'm just so sorry for being so shitty again. So sorry for the crappy drama and all of that disgusting unnecessary shit.
I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm ruining people's mood...
Also I'm so well aware some hours later or after sleep I'll be all "optimistic" again and look back at myself from some hours ago and be like "oh shut up, crybaby. It's all going to be just fiiine. Stop being such an annoying fuck, asshole"
Nice. There goes myself rubbing my personality disorder/identity crisis on people's faces.
I should really stop by now. Sorry...
Yet I can't. I don't even want to do/write this. Why am I doing it then? I just don't understand myself. I feel like I've lost control over myself. And that has happened many times actually, now that I think about it. Sometimes there's just something in my brain taking control and I can't help but sort of watch myself doing stupid things. Then there are people who think I'm going to kill others because of it. That's such a stupid cliché. I hate humans, I really do. But that doesn't make me a killer (yet).
I don't want to take meds. I don't want to go back to psychiatry, since it brings me down even more. I was there for 3 weeks and I feel like something's broken since then.
Why the hell am I writing all of this shit? Right know I wish for a journal-scrap option, so it's not visible to all people out there (or at least it'd be hidden).
I will hate myself so much for this.
Time to give myself an ultimatum. I'll just go to bed now and so this stupid journal won't be continued.
I case you read all of that shit:
1. Thanks for that
2. Sorry.
3. Let's have a laugh when I delete this
4. Shit is full of me
5. I like myself way more when I'm that bouncy sassy fucker like ;)) B) mm
kaykay short little thingy before really going offline:
I feel a little better know that I've found that definition for this journal being a cancer. I feel proud of that shit. So just have a laugh at this journal saying "This journal is cancer YEEAAAY!"
Let's make an insider out of this. Everytime I turn to this silly mood just say that I'm/that journal is cancer ;))
*waits for people to judge cause of cancer-jokes*
Cancer.