FA+
Shop
Rant/Irate Statement. (not a ventjournal)
10 years ago
Apologizing is a sacred thing. And abusing the privilege and act of it is something I can't tolerate.
So much in my life, my parents have lost their temper, said things about me behind my back, and up to one point, straight up told me that they if I wasn't there, their lives would be so much easier. And I don't deny any of that fact either, I'm below average in terms of being a person.
But one thing I hate...is when they repeatedly apologize "from the heart."
If you're repeatedly apologizing, (by which I mean apologizing, the person going through the problem, apologizing, the person going through the problem, apologizing), it means several things.
One, you haven't learned shit from any of the first times you got into that situation. (Times intentionally plural. I was going to say "first few" or "first million", but I'm not into needless exaggeration, or at least at the moment, I'm not)
Two, it means that you're not really sorry for what you did, you just know that you fucked up, and you want to save face in some kind of way.
And you know what?
These two things aren't what I hate about repeatedly apologizing.
I'm a fuck-up, as my parents have taught me. And I've buried that deep into my soul and decided to turn that into something more positive as I continue to grow and repeatedly apologize myself, for different things.
But one thing I....HATE. With EVERY intention to use HATE as a STRONG WORD.
Is when people use apologies as some sort of emotional/situational cureall.
Because...fuck. Them.
If apologies were curealls...I'd be fine.
If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't be on the edge of cutting myself with my Walmart boxcutter because my sister, the one last person in my family who I thought I could relate to, finally told me herself recently that (hidden under the kindness) I was being a useless fuck and was embarrassing our parents.
If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't have the pain in my heart of knowing that no matter what I do, my relationship with my parents and family in general is officially nonexistent. Even with my mentally disabled brother, probably, seeing as he's memorized churchgoing on Sundays into his child's mind.
If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't have so many people in my life whose lives have been complete and utter shit, from being sold for drugs, having parents die, being abused by their fathers in ways to be left to your imagination. And that's something that I'm intentionally stating because this doesn't just apply to me, I wanted to talk about all of the other people that I am aware of in my small bubble of life that are struggling as well, I know I'm not alone in my pain.
If apologies were curealls...
I wouldn't have to write this journal.
I would have a family that I wouldn't have to lie to every day about being gay and a furry and having a boyfriend.
I wouldn't have wasted thousands of my parents' money on tuition when I knew in my heart that I was a bad student.
I wouldn't have had my growth as a person stunted basically until recently.
People...I know it's a stupid cliche, but...think about what you say before it leaves your lips.
Don't let yourself say "I love you" because it's something that you know you should say to someone related to you or what not.
Understand that you love your son because he hasn't done drugs or alcohol and isn't a rapist.
Don't let yourself say "I'm sorry" for the simple reason of you knowing you did something wrong.
Understand that when you say those words...it's because you realize in your heart that there's literally nothing else you can say to excuse the stupidity of either your actions, the ineffectiveness of your actions, or the circumstances that no one could control.
Because when you learn to talk that way...that's when you need to say things like "I'm sorry" less.
That's when the times that you do say "I'm sorry" start to have real significance.
Rather than throwing it around as what you hope to be a bandaid, but just ends up being an ignorance and apathy with no desire to change yourself for whatever type of situation arises.
*sighs* I'm gonna move out. I really need to.
If anyone lives along the East Coast who's willing to take someone in and be a bit patient with someone more or less starting to really learn life...could really use that, please.
/endrant
...On the plus-side, Julyyyyyy. I can't wait to see my bffffffff. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
*is a giddy little schoolgirl, and also gnight, I need to sleep before my next midnight shift*
So much in my life, my parents have lost their temper, said things about me behind my back, and up to one point, straight up told me that they if I wasn't there, their lives would be so much easier. And I don't deny any of that fact either, I'm below average in terms of being a person.
But one thing I hate...is when they repeatedly apologize "from the heart."
If you're repeatedly apologizing, (by which I mean apologizing, the person going through the problem, apologizing, the person going through the problem, apologizing), it means several things.
One, you haven't learned shit from any of the first times you got into that situation. (Times intentionally plural. I was going to say "first few" or "first million", but I'm not into needless exaggeration, or at least at the moment, I'm not)
Two, it means that you're not really sorry for what you did, you just know that you fucked up, and you want to save face in some kind of way.
And you know what?
These two things aren't what I hate about repeatedly apologizing.
I'm a fuck-up, as my parents have taught me. And I've buried that deep into my soul and decided to turn that into something more positive as I continue to grow and repeatedly apologize myself, for different things.
But one thing I....HATE. With EVERY intention to use HATE as a STRONG WORD.
Is when people use apologies as some sort of emotional/situational cureall.
Because...fuck. Them.
If apologies were curealls...I'd be fine.
If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't be on the edge of cutting myself with my Walmart boxcutter because my sister, the one last person in my family who I thought I could relate to, finally told me herself recently that (hidden under the kindness) I was being a useless fuck and was embarrassing our parents.
If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't have the pain in my heart of knowing that no matter what I do, my relationship with my parents and family in general is officially nonexistent. Even with my mentally disabled brother, probably, seeing as he's memorized churchgoing on Sundays into his child's mind.
If apologies were curealls, I wouldn't have so many people in my life whose lives have been complete and utter shit, from being sold for drugs, having parents die, being abused by their fathers in ways to be left to your imagination. And that's something that I'm intentionally stating because this doesn't just apply to me, I wanted to talk about all of the other people that I am aware of in my small bubble of life that are struggling as well, I know I'm not alone in my pain.
If apologies were curealls...
I wouldn't have to write this journal.
I would have a family that I wouldn't have to lie to every day about being gay and a furry and having a boyfriend.
I wouldn't have wasted thousands of my parents' money on tuition when I knew in my heart that I was a bad student.
I wouldn't have had my growth as a person stunted basically until recently.
People...I know it's a stupid cliche, but...think about what you say before it leaves your lips.
Don't let yourself say "I love you" because it's something that you know you should say to someone related to you or what not.
Understand that you love your son because he hasn't done drugs or alcohol and isn't a rapist.
Don't let yourself say "I'm sorry" for the simple reason of you knowing you did something wrong.
Understand that when you say those words...it's because you realize in your heart that there's literally nothing else you can say to excuse the stupidity of either your actions, the ineffectiveness of your actions, or the circumstances that no one could control.
Because when you learn to talk that way...that's when you need to say things like "I'm sorry" less.
That's when the times that you do say "I'm sorry" start to have real significance.
Rather than throwing it around as what you hope to be a bandaid, but just ends up being an ignorance and apathy with no desire to change yourself for whatever type of situation arises.
*sighs* I'm gonna move out. I really need to.
If anyone lives along the East Coast who's willing to take someone in and be a bit patient with someone more or less starting to really learn life...could really use that, please.
/endrant
...On the plus-side, Julyyyyyy. I can't wait to see my bffffffff. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
*is a giddy little schoolgirl, and also gnight, I need to sleep before my next midnight shift*
