FA+
Shop
Need Advice, need a slap on the face.
10 years ago
Yesterday i did something that i have being regretting the whole day. I broke someone heart, the heart of someone that spend 11 months of my life giving me his patience, giving me his desire to be with me, we shared different kind of memories, and i'd not be writting this Journal if i didn't messed up... Why?
Because i feel i don't deserve to be care for, because i started to feel like an Annoyance for that person, i started to get irritated for the stupid things and i wasn't able to get the patience he give me back. I started to feel i don't deserved love, i started to feel i was just being an Annoyance for that person. I get starting to feel he was happier without me and that i was gonna be making a favor that i dissapear, that i should be dissapearing.
And in those messed up assumptions, i broke his heart.
I know what i did, it's done but i just want to revert my words and take the tears be both sheed away, I want to take away this part of me that whenever i started to feel happy, it start with whispering to my head, saying i'm better dead, that i'm better out of this place, that i deserve to be removed, to simple vanish from people life. I want to feel i deserve to be loved, i want to respect myself.
Right now, i'm writting things because i need advice, because i need to heard help from people that could have pass for something similar, because part of me need to be yelled for what i did, because i want people to criticize my action, to be harsh, part of me... still want me to be hated... to self destroy me...
Because i feel i don't deserve to be care for, because i started to feel like an Annoyance for that person, i started to get irritated for the stupid things and i wasn't able to get the patience he give me back. I started to feel i don't deserved love, i started to feel i was just being an Annoyance for that person. I get starting to feel he was happier without me and that i was gonna be making a favor that i dissapear, that i should be dissapearing.
And in those messed up assumptions, i broke his heart.
I know what i did, it's done but i just want to revert my words and take the tears be both sheed away, I want to take away this part of me that whenever i started to feel happy, it start with whispering to my head, saying i'm better dead, that i'm better out of this place, that i deserve to be removed, to simple vanish from people life. I want to feel i deserve to be loved, i want to respect myself.
Right now, i'm writting things because i need advice, because i need to heard help from people that could have pass for something similar, because part of me need to be yelled for what i did, because i want people to criticize my action, to be harsh, part of me... still want me to be hated... to self destroy me...
You let those dark voices in your head get to you, impair your judgement, and skew the good things you have in front of you when you shouldn't have at the slightest.
I will say that you are still someone who is wanted around and loved.
Yes what you did may have been a giant mistake and you wish to take it back but what is done is done. All you can do now is ask for forgiveness and still wish to be friends.
Some advice since you want some? I say you need to learn to make yourself happy more then others even if it feels wrong to you. if you are not making yourself happy then you really can't make others happy too. Another thing you need to work on is if you feel like some things aren't being okay then you need to ask. ASK! Don't just push it aside and wait to see how it goes cause that will make things worse. With asking, you can at least learn what to do to make things better through talking it out.
And the last thing I will say is if you just up and leave or even worse, do the unthinkable to yourself, then you are going to make others way worse then how you feel. Going to leave the one whose heart was broken even worse, friends you have ask why they couldn't help and it will just make everything worse in the end.
Lucky, I love you like a brother. I really want to help you feel better and help raise your mood when I can. Please don't be afraid to ever seek my help.
I know feelings like this happen from time to time, lord knows it's happened to me enough. Sometimes it's best to let it out and cry, and also talk with some friends about it.
I think it's important to remember that people make mistakes. I don't know what happened and I don't want to intrude into business that isn't mine. However, maybe if you talk to this person and explain why you did what you did, it might help.
Whatever you do, don't give up and never think the world would be better off without you. I assure you that the opposite is true.
I have tried my best to fix what i did, i hope in long terms things comes to get better.
I'm felling better already with myself.