Alone again.
Can't stop this self hate binge. Fuck, I suck.
I hate myself so much, I'm making myself physically sick just thinking about it.

I'm having thoughts about self harm again (though I won't do it anymore. It hurts too many people).
I'm having thoughts of gutting myself. Cutting off all the imperfections.

If I could just cut off the fat, I would.
I want to starve myself. I don't deserve to eat anything. I've eaten enough in my life time. I need to go to the gym. Go to the gym and not eat. I need to punish my body for the disgrace that I've become.

I feel trapped in this body. I feel ugly, useless and worthless. I'm just a drop in the bucket and in the grand scheme of things, I don't matter. I matter to my family and friends, but I have no larger purpose.

Fuck I just want to hurt myself. I want to cut so bad, but I won't. I promised.
That still doesn't change the fact that every fibre of my being is screaming at me, telling me to do it. I want to feel that silence again. The quiet after I've hurt myself. I want to feel in control.

I want to give up. But I won't.