I can't sleep, I can't and won't eat until I'm unable my face goes numb and my legs give out, dark thoughts plague my mind, my body hurts for no reason. I feel like I've hit my lowest point, but life has a way of kicking you when you're down, and I'm anxious and terrified about what's going to happen in the future. I feel lonely and I purposefully isolate myself because when I'm around friends I get happy, and the second they leave I fall even harder than before. I'm afraid of being clingy and needy, and down right childish and immature. I've gone to therapy again, but so far it hasn't helped much. I'm no longer living at this point. I'm just letting my body do what it does instinctively, and I'm no longer me. Friends and relatives are noticing, and I don't want them to worry, and I'm too afraid to reach out. I told one of my closer friends how I felt and what he told me is the only thing that's been driving me to haul my shell of a body around through daily life. He told me how fucked up my feelings are and that he never wants to hear any of my shit like that again because he cares too much about me to let me fall and never get back up. That's the first time anyone has said something like that to me. Friends and family have told me in the past how much they care, but all they really focused on was how selfish I was being and they guilt tripped me out of taking my life. 'You're being selfish' 'Think about us' 'After everything we've done, how could you think about going out like that?' etc etc. No one asked me how I felt about it or how they could help. This one did, and when he told me that, I wanted to break down and hug him and never let him go. But the bitter truth is that his words won't keep me going forever. I'm the only one that can keep me going, and I'm about to give up. I'm close to collapsing and laying on the cold ground until I waste away. I'm scared of my own lack of commitment to my life, and I AM thinking about the effects that my giving up would put on the ones I love. I also don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe as a reminder for me in the future of how dark it can get before light shines through again. Maybe it's foreshadowing something I'll do later down the line... I really don't know. All I know is I need to gather my thoughts and sort through them and figure out what I really want. Not much of this really makes sense, I think. I'm just typing as I think of things that I'm feeling or thinking about. I'm sorry I wasted your time.