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Reality
11 years ago
General
-Blep-
You ever get to that point in your life where you just notice that some things need to change? That you push the envelope a bit too much and everything just falls to the ground? Well... That happened to me today. Today I finally learned how shitty I am to the people I care for and despite them constantly sticking around and loving me, I haven't been able to see it until today. It really breaks me in two to know that I pushed someone to the edge where I can literally tell them that they set their expectations for me a bit too high, and they should assume that I would fail. You know how much that hurts someone? Can you feel the anger, boil into their stomach before the words "I hate you" or "such a prick" or the best one yet. "You're just a huge disappointment and you're not worth it" coming from their mouths? Well... Today, I kinda did that and it hurts so much because as I am sitting here, typing this all up, I just feel that soft ball twirl in my stomach, pushing against my chest while the guilt fills in finally after all these months, possibly years. I am a shitty person, and despite this and me saying "Meh. I'm not that bad as others..." I am. I let the people I care about down all the time and I never stick to my word, and I always make little rants like this to make myself feel more special, feel more like a person or feel better about basically pulling the napkin from their hot plate, spilling it into their laps. This time however, it just ... hurt a lot more because despite all the shit that I pulled in the past, all the shit that I had done to them, and all the shit that I know was gut wrenching, they still love me... for me. It sickens me to my stomach to realize this so damn late and now... They probably figured out I am not worth the time or day that they have invested in our relationship for this long.
I guess reality hit me today. It hit me quite honestly harder than anything I thought I could have expected. It opened my heart to the pain that I constantly gave others and maybe decided to tell me to soften up and release the fears and doubts you have and just go with the flow for once. It helped me to show myself how bad I am getting and maybe try to save myself from the horror that is the road that I might be already finished with. I need to treat people with respect and care about their feelings more than I do and stop taking everything for granted because everyone has a breaking point. Just... Hurts to know that I might have pushed on that breaking point too much and now, even the words "Have faith in me." Is laughed upon because I am just some lazy shrew who loves to toy with others since that is what happened to me. Well.. The only way I can redeem myself is to place myself in someone else's shoes, like months ago when I found out something I use to do to my ex, that a friend did to me. I don't know why it always takes me breaking someone or me breaking myself for me to finally get things. I am just that pigheaded that stuff like other people's core emotions and their feelings do not outweigh mines and it just goes to show despite me preaching how selfless I am and caring; I am just some selfish prick who cares only about himself, and sex. ( Just... a whole new note on shit that I can say on that one.)
Anyways. Made this so I can give myself a starting chance, give myself the will and vigor to change because if I don't write it down, I will immediately forget this and feel bad. But.... I want to hold out. I know you waited 4 long weeks for me and I know I am a total pain in the ass on multiple occasions but I just want you to know that I care about you as much as you do for me and with that, this is needed. I don't know if it will make you believe in me once more, but... Give your master a chance to make things right... and stop being the fuck up he is. Apologies aren't needed here, because I am a sorry Tiger.
Thanks for reading.
Ciao
floxty For you bby boy. No need to respond either~