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Why I do what I do
10 years ago
This journal is to help me sort out my own thoughts, as well as giving others who are interested insight into somebody else.
As I try to motivate myself to write new content, I have to ask myself why do I do what I do. Why should I continue to create? What would others think of me for the things I create? How would I motivate others to create?
Creativity and art is the attempt to express oneself, to pull together an abstract idea they have in their head and get it out, to achieve something they think needs to be achieved. Rarely is art for the sole benefit of others. Something can be created for other people, but the desire to create to begin with is an internal motivation to see something come to life from your own perspective. Everybody has their own perspective and getting lost to the perspective of others means losing one’s identity and reason for existence, so fulfilling your own perspective means substantiating your existence.
Tldr: Art is how we give reason to our existence.
Art can be drawings, art can be writings, art can be dancing, art can be speaking, art can be language, art can be religion; all creative endeavors that are not cloning someone else’s ideas are art.
So, what does making games and stories and drawings say about my existence? How do giant vaginas, horsecocks, long nipples, udders, clitdicks, pregnancy, lactation, egg laying, breast growth, etc, etc give me reason to my life? Why do I feel need to bring these ideas to the world?
I am not a mass of perverted obscenities in real life. I don’t masturbate every day nor go to strip clubs nor watch live action porn nor grope a girl when I get a chance; I think I might actually be more reserved and respectful than many people. I don’t have aspergers or autism or ADD or a terrible childhood or any type of social or mental disorder that could easily explain it away. And yet I still try to push the boundaries of fantasy fetishism, I try to encourage sexual “exploration”/”deviancy” in others, and I try to arouse without any intent for reciprocation.
So… Why?
When I break it down in my head, I think it mostly comes down to two things. A) Sexuality and all variations therein are an honest rendition of a person’s personality and B) I want so much more out of this world and I believe it is somehow achievable.
For (A), what arouses a person is a truer reflection of what they are like when you remove the social facades and structures. It’s hard to lie about what you find arousing, you either do or you don’t, with varying degrees of attraction and repulsion. Now, I’m not saying that liking horsecocks means you want to fuck horses, not even close. There are always some drawings that include horsecocks that will really arouse you and others that will completely turn you off. However, those horsecocks are a reflection of an aspect of your personality, depending on the situations you find them attractive/repulsive. Horsecocks can be a symbol of strength and intensity, or they can be a symbol of impending pain/body manipulation. Liking a horsecock could mean that you are a confident individual that seeks to make yourself stronger, or it could mean you are a weaker individual that wants others to have their way with you. Porn-astrology, if you want to have a laugh at the idea. Tie together all the fetishes somebody likes and you get a good image of who they are as a person, without them trying to hide it behind social labels that barely do them justice. Furries aren’t into fur-porn because they want to molest animals, lolicon isn’t because somebody is a pedophile, bdsm isn’t because somebody wants to abuse/be-abused. Sure, some people who are actually into those real-world equivalents might be into those fictional fetishes just as some people who commit real violence like violent movies. But, for the fictional fetishes themselves, they exist because they reflect a certain abstract aspect of our own selves that we find expresses more efficiently through that fetish.
Honestly, (A) could be said about any kind of interest a person has, such as their hobbies or what they watch on Youtube, but I find it innately more fun and lighthearted when figuring it out in terms of sexual kinks. It’s hard to get into arguments over opinions of fetishes when they’re all bizarre and awkward. And seeing someone blush over a kink they really enjoy yet seem embarrassed about is just so friggan adorable. Sexuality is a medium that is important to our lives and our happiness, and yet it is a medium filled with ignorance and fear of exploration. So, while some may paint with vibrant colors or compose with flutes, I choose to write about tits and cocks.
As for (B), it partially stems from my own (A), and how I go about most of my life. I find the world to be… not really as exciting as I think it could be. I have a degree in Physics and Philosophy, I focused in Astrophysics and could do really complex calculations on some of the most amazing phenomena, I’ve gone zip-lining through a jungle and seen sunrises over the mountains and have had beautiful moments. I won’t claim to be an exceptionally learned person or really all that adventurous, but when it boils down, I do know at least a touch of the better things in the world and… I haven’t been entirely impressed. I know there’s great things, but I feel like there could be greater, and I try to seek that in some ways.
Why did I make Nimin? I saw UTG and thought “Gee, I like that, but I feel like I could make something that I find more interesting for myself”. Why did I start writing? I read many stories and saw many images and thought “Nothing quite arouses me as accurately as I can imagine”. Why horsecocks/pregnancy/extreme-bizarre-weird-things? Because I want to pull together particular aspects of these things together to develop an abstract idea of what I think a better world could have in my mind. Something that’s open and accepting, something that’s daring and progressive, something that feels more awe-inspiring. Not a world literally filled with dicks and vaginas, but a world of freedom and new experiences and amazement.
I am not claiming to be a good philosopher or scientist or artist, or even an adequate one. But this little “rant” is just how I justify what I do, why I think I do it, and why I’m not a grossly perverse degenerate for doing what I do. I don’t feel ashamed for creating what I do and I want people to feel comfortable enjoying what they enjoy. There is far more to these dicks and vaginas than their literal interpretations.
As I try to motivate myself to write new content, I have to ask myself why do I do what I do. Why should I continue to create? What would others think of me for the things I create? How would I motivate others to create?
Creativity and art is the attempt to express oneself, to pull together an abstract idea they have in their head and get it out, to achieve something they think needs to be achieved. Rarely is art for the sole benefit of others. Something can be created for other people, but the desire to create to begin with is an internal motivation to see something come to life from your own perspective. Everybody has their own perspective and getting lost to the perspective of others means losing one’s identity and reason for existence, so fulfilling your own perspective means substantiating your existence.
Tldr: Art is how we give reason to our existence.
Art can be drawings, art can be writings, art can be dancing, art can be speaking, art can be language, art can be religion; all creative endeavors that are not cloning someone else’s ideas are art.
So, what does making games and stories and drawings say about my existence? How do giant vaginas, horsecocks, long nipples, udders, clitdicks, pregnancy, lactation, egg laying, breast growth, etc, etc give me reason to my life? Why do I feel need to bring these ideas to the world?
I am not a mass of perverted obscenities in real life. I don’t masturbate every day nor go to strip clubs nor watch live action porn nor grope a girl when I get a chance; I think I might actually be more reserved and respectful than many people. I don’t have aspergers or autism or ADD or a terrible childhood or any type of social or mental disorder that could easily explain it away. And yet I still try to push the boundaries of fantasy fetishism, I try to encourage sexual “exploration”/”deviancy” in others, and I try to arouse without any intent for reciprocation.
So… Why?
When I break it down in my head, I think it mostly comes down to two things. A) Sexuality and all variations therein are an honest rendition of a person’s personality and B) I want so much more out of this world and I believe it is somehow achievable.
For (A), what arouses a person is a truer reflection of what they are like when you remove the social facades and structures. It’s hard to lie about what you find arousing, you either do or you don’t, with varying degrees of attraction and repulsion. Now, I’m not saying that liking horsecocks means you want to fuck horses, not even close. There are always some drawings that include horsecocks that will really arouse you and others that will completely turn you off. However, those horsecocks are a reflection of an aspect of your personality, depending on the situations you find them attractive/repulsive. Horsecocks can be a symbol of strength and intensity, or they can be a symbol of impending pain/body manipulation. Liking a horsecock could mean that you are a confident individual that seeks to make yourself stronger, or it could mean you are a weaker individual that wants others to have their way with you. Porn-astrology, if you want to have a laugh at the idea. Tie together all the fetishes somebody likes and you get a good image of who they are as a person, without them trying to hide it behind social labels that barely do them justice. Furries aren’t into fur-porn because they want to molest animals, lolicon isn’t because somebody is a pedophile, bdsm isn’t because somebody wants to abuse/be-abused. Sure, some people who are actually into those real-world equivalents might be into those fictional fetishes just as some people who commit real violence like violent movies. But, for the fictional fetishes themselves, they exist because they reflect a certain abstract aspect of our own selves that we find expresses more efficiently through that fetish.
Honestly, (A) could be said about any kind of interest a person has, such as their hobbies or what they watch on Youtube, but I find it innately more fun and lighthearted when figuring it out in terms of sexual kinks. It’s hard to get into arguments over opinions of fetishes when they’re all bizarre and awkward. And seeing someone blush over a kink they really enjoy yet seem embarrassed about is just so friggan adorable. Sexuality is a medium that is important to our lives and our happiness, and yet it is a medium filled with ignorance and fear of exploration. So, while some may paint with vibrant colors or compose with flutes, I choose to write about tits and cocks.
As for (B), it partially stems from my own (A), and how I go about most of my life. I find the world to be… not really as exciting as I think it could be. I have a degree in Physics and Philosophy, I focused in Astrophysics and could do really complex calculations on some of the most amazing phenomena, I’ve gone zip-lining through a jungle and seen sunrises over the mountains and have had beautiful moments. I won’t claim to be an exceptionally learned person or really all that adventurous, but when it boils down, I do know at least a touch of the better things in the world and… I haven’t been entirely impressed. I know there’s great things, but I feel like there could be greater, and I try to seek that in some ways.
Why did I make Nimin? I saw UTG and thought “Gee, I like that, but I feel like I could make something that I find more interesting for myself”. Why did I start writing? I read many stories and saw many images and thought “Nothing quite arouses me as accurately as I can imagine”. Why horsecocks/pregnancy/extreme-bizarre-weird-things? Because I want to pull together particular aspects of these things together to develop an abstract idea of what I think a better world could have in my mind. Something that’s open and accepting, something that’s daring and progressive, something that feels more awe-inspiring. Not a world literally filled with dicks and vaginas, but a world of freedom and new experiences and amazement.
I am not claiming to be a good philosopher or scientist or artist, or even an adequate one. But this little “rant” is just how I justify what I do, why I think I do it, and why I’m not a grossly perverse degenerate for doing what I do. I don’t feel ashamed for creating what I do and I want people to feel comfortable enjoying what they enjoy. There is far more to these dicks and vaginas than their literal interpretations.
I expect drawings of pornographic art to be... unreal. And yet, in many places I look, it looks like the same thing over and over and over and over....
Then I finally find something different.
Nimin.
Every other sex simulation game on the web (that I had found) did not meet my expectations in any way. If it could be done in real life, why would I be playing a game about it? But when I played Nimin, at first it looked like the same thing. I kept going the beach, just for cock carvings, and I kept waiting to hit some maximum number of genitalia... and waiting. And waiting. Eventually it struck me that this game... HAD no such limit...
And then I couldn't explore anymore, because I weighed too much. Woops.
I believe I have found every nook and cranny in this game, and without the help of a wiki-site for once, that it becomes a game to see how much I can grow before my cpu crashes from overworking it. I don't know why I am so obsessed with it, I guess it is just different.
So why draw such art, you say? Well, why not?
Some say the sky is the limit.
(my character's belly circumference begs to differ, though. I keep telling myself that the kids will be fine, even if the moon gets knocked out of orbit.)
I do not usually shy away from rape in porn. To me, the power play that it shows is kind of exciting to explore for me. One person having complete power and practicing it over another (the same reason I like to see some BDSM, but I don't like all the toys). I still find the malicious aspect of it absolutely disgusting morally. I do not lie to myself and pretend that just because I like to explore that fetish that it doesn't reflect on the characters involved. I like to think of it like my body has enough blood to operate both my boner and my heart at the same time. If I am presented with a story that wants to be taken seriously in any regard, I do not put my brain or my heart on hold just to get a quick jerk. If I am reading a story that happens to be erotic, I do not pretend that rape is any less disgusting than it would be in any other story, even if I can masturbate to it. Porn is just another genre to me. A shitty person is a shitty person, I don't care if they make me laugh, cry, or give me a boner. I will still think less of characters who do bad things. It's up to them to prove themselves to be good, bad, or something in-between.
All that being said, I am also a romantic, I enjoy when these situations work out between the characters involved. I love seeing a story that examines these situations and characters, why they do things, what makes them do what they do. A couple of my favorite porn stories are the Equine Force and Greywood series on SoFurry. They both explore rape in ways that I think most people can appreciate in some way. They don't just expect you to disregard how these events play out just because they managed to satisfy someone's sexual fantasy. These actions have consequence and they mean something in the story and to the characters even if they are presented in a manner that some find arousing.
That may all seem a bit off topic but your post got me thinking, and I like thinking. I doubt I'd like to live in a world filled with all my sexual fantasies. I think some should stay as just a fantasy. However, I would not say no to a world filled with anthropomorphic animals (I love the feel of my cat's fur on my face, why wouldn't I want a romantic partner which I could spoon and have that same delightful feeling?) but I'm a rather vanilla ,if submissive, guy in reality.
I also have an alien fascination of animal genitalia. Primarily canine. Being locked together after the act just makes it all the more intimate in my mind. Like the act itself is a commitment of its own. Would I fuck a dog? No, nor do I fuck my cat.
"If thou hast not done things worthy to be written, at last write things worthy to be read.“
Giacomo Girolamo Casanova de Seingalt
It is slightly misquoted from Pliny the Younger (61 A.D. – 113 A.D.), but I think he still has a point. Our world makes it difficult to do things worthy to be written, but we still can write things worthy to be read.
Who decieds what is worthy to be written (drawn and so on)? Well, the artist. He is the only instance that can decide this. Anyone else can only agree or disagree. Of course, the more people agree with the artist's opinion, the more... is his opinion vindicated.
Of course, just because people disagree with an artist, does not mean he is wrong. Some art is created to cause a stir. It makes people discuss issues that might hae been ignored otherwise. Caricatures are a good example for this.
I could go on with more examples why every artform and every theme is 'worthy' for a while, but I think I made my point.
I think as a writer and sort of.. explorer of the human condition.. It's interesting to see why people do what they do.
Personally, I like to ask people about their fetishes and as a writer, I enjoy writing things that meet those criteria.
Getting to understand why somebody likes a thing and then being able to emulate it is stimulating in a way to me, especially when you get the details just right.
But for me, its less about learning the best way to describe someone fucking someone's ass, its more about understanding the whys.
Some people like spanking and that's interesting to me because it has so many different reasons and layers of meaning to it.
Whether someone's being spanked for punishment, or because they're getting into a role, or because sometimes pain cuts through more than words is poetic to me.
Why someone would want to willingly put a hood on and mitts and pretend to be a dog and you realize its because (for that person) their dog mindset can't feel shame is beautiful.
I've always been a people person and I think the more I learn about other people, the more I sort of realize who I am and the more I appreciate the diversity that exists in our world.
I think writing inherently is very much like art in that we write or draw what we enjoy and finding people respond to that is very gratifying.
It reminds me of humor for someone learning a foreign language. You know you understand the language when you listen to their comedy and laugh. An inherent understanding link has been made.
For me, sadism as I have come to know it as a fetish, is my way of breaking through my typical patient understanding tendancies with people and simply acting for my own pleasure.
I have said and written horrible things that I could never say seriously in a real context but in the realm of fantasy, its an amazing power trip.
When you spend your time finding just the right words to say and then get to enter a context where you can simply force somebody to do your will, it scratches a need in me.
A need that I don't even necessarily want to enact in real life. But the concepts of control and power are attractive when I'm in a situation that affords me neither.
I don't think we're degenerates for exploring these worlds and realms. I think like you said, its about pushing the boundaries and looking for stimulation where reality doesn't provide.
I think things like your game are empowering because they give you control. You can choose to add.. to encounter the unknown.. you get to enter another world and discover its fruits.
To me, I believe that no deed lives in a vacuum.
I think as long as you're developing a character, in a well written piece of fiction, there should be a reason for why they do what they do.
To me, having a character going around doing anything simply viewed as nothing more than a collection of actions for the sake of portraying actions is problematic.
So, in short, yes. I am of the same mind.
But I know why people choose to make caricatures like that and as long as they don't act on fantasies, I don't have a problem with it.
I know that's a pretty thin, ill defined line in the sand that people have crossed over and made headlines with, but it is my line all the same.
I know its been awhile since the game last updated, and I have no idea whether its dead, or if you're still working on it.
Either way, no matter the content, you have made some very fine art here, Xadera. I'd like to hope that the game continues to flourish and develop, but if you've lost interest in updating it, I fully understand.
Either way, I have a new fun little game to play, and you've got a new follower. <3