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Self Esteem Issues
11 years ago
General
-Blep-
Just having one of those days where nothing I do or say could cheer me up. Just... dreading my life right now because it seems every time i choose a direction for myself, I fail so horribly.
Like decided to quit school *despite me being good at Computer Information Science) and focus on what I wanted to do ever since I was little; draw. Now I know this is a big life change and it might just push me over the brink because like... wasted 4 years of my life and now 23k in debt cause of students loans, but I wanted to do it because despite what I feel at the moment, I love drawing. I love art, I love looking at it, it makes me happy to see others drawing and it blows my mind to see art come to life.
Anyways, back to the feeling I have at the moment. Due to how I was raised, I was raised to be perfect. I was always told that despite me putting my all, that this wasn't good enough, It had to be perfect, so... now I have develop perfectionist. No matter what I do and what I get, it has to be perfect. Nothing can be at fault and everything has to be perfect and if you can already tell, this breeds problems. When drawing, despite an artist work looking flawless, no artist is perfect. They make mistakes and make errors despite their outstanding work that we all look at today. With me knowing this and accepting this, I should be ok right?
Nope...
It makes me feel like shit when I compare my artwork to others and tell myself. "You should be as good as them." When blatantly, I shouldn't. I just feel so bad every time I draw because i love it... but when something doesn't come out the way I want it to... I just push my drawing tablet away and just sulk in a corner... like a child who needs attention. Insecurities sometimes outweigh even the little bit of confidence I have in myself and sometimes... I just feel like giving up and just forking over my dream. Don't know if its just pride, or my stubbornness that really keeps me going because if i listen to the little voice that screams in the back of my head to give up, I would happily ship my tablet off to a friend who actually wants it and just give up on my dream.
Mmm.. Feel like an attention whore now. :c
Ciao