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NOT A RANT JUST AN EXPLANATION OF THINGS
10 years ago
General
Genuinely hurt. Some don't seem to realize the power of their words. I may seem like a tough, cold hearted bitch who has no soul and doesn't care, but honestly, things said by people I know (whether friend or not) hurt me more than I let on.
People tell me "Oh it's just words" and "Just ignore it." People kill themselves over the words of others. Words are an expression of feelings. They have a communicative purpose of letting someone else know how you feel or what you think. Humans are programmed to respond to them (how the words are said and by whom) and this programmed response is what makes words hurt.
I don't care who you think you are or how tough you try to be or even how much you talk about someone else to try and counter the things said about you, it will still hurt. It will still eat at you. The words will still kill you inside a little at a time, and I'm dieing from the words spoken about me.
Perhaps its thought that I don't know whats said about me. Perhaps its thought that I will only retaliate with more hate instead of being so hurt I completely take myself out of any situation I would feel forced to defend myself and make myself look bad because I'm so sick of it i can't take it anymore with the "Well I heard" and the "Well I was told".
Perhaps the people speaking this slander and spreading these lies and rumors don't think the words they speak are shared with me.
Either way, when I choose to try and keep myself from being hurt by these words by keeping away from those speaking them, I am still spoken about. My name is still in the mouths of these people spitting venom and trying to turn people against me. This makes me retaliate by keeping as far away from people (including my friends for fear they will believe the slander) as I can get, hating myself, doubting my worth, and creating scenarios about what is being said with all the back stabbing. I have even considered removing myself from everything and everyone because no matter what I do (even if it's nothing) I have done something to make these horrible words spoken.
I have said and done things I did not even know I have said and done according to these heart breakingly untrue, unfounded, unwarranted, and especially undeserved words. But they don't care. They never will. They are too busy building an empire of lies, slander, and creating fabrications to turn people against me, and more hurtful still, to turn me against myself.
So I will leave YOU with this, despite what you have said about me, what you have made others say about me, what others say about my feeling and actions, and how much you think you have to try and beat me down to get what you want, remember that I have done NOTHING to continue this bullshit. I have said nothing, I have acted in NO WAY as I have been portrayed (and I have proof), and though I'm sure enough has been said about you that you have grown cold to it, not everyone is the cold hearted, tyranical bitch you make them out to be.
Please remember that the next time you twist those words, make up stories, lie about circumstances and what's actually going on, and try to bring others into it like you are the victim when the attack is not on you, you are making it on me. I know a lot more than you think I do. Remember that as well.
If you read this far, I'm sorry. Journals are for whatever you want them to be. Today it is my life journal; my diary of sorts to try and better explain my situation to those who seem to only want to make it worse or misconstrue my reasoning.
People tell me "Oh it's just words" and "Just ignore it." People kill themselves over the words of others. Words are an expression of feelings. They have a communicative purpose of letting someone else know how you feel or what you think. Humans are programmed to respond to them (how the words are said and by whom) and this programmed response is what makes words hurt.
I don't care who you think you are or how tough you try to be or even how much you talk about someone else to try and counter the things said about you, it will still hurt. It will still eat at you. The words will still kill you inside a little at a time, and I'm dieing from the words spoken about me.
Perhaps its thought that I don't know whats said about me. Perhaps its thought that I will only retaliate with more hate instead of being so hurt I completely take myself out of any situation I would feel forced to defend myself and make myself look bad because I'm so sick of it i can't take it anymore with the "Well I heard" and the "Well I was told".
Perhaps the people speaking this slander and spreading these lies and rumors don't think the words they speak are shared with me.
Either way, when I choose to try and keep myself from being hurt by these words by keeping away from those speaking them, I am still spoken about. My name is still in the mouths of these people spitting venom and trying to turn people against me. This makes me retaliate by keeping as far away from people (including my friends for fear they will believe the slander) as I can get, hating myself, doubting my worth, and creating scenarios about what is being said with all the back stabbing. I have even considered removing myself from everything and everyone because no matter what I do (even if it's nothing) I have done something to make these horrible words spoken.
I have said and done things I did not even know I have said and done according to these heart breakingly untrue, unfounded, unwarranted, and especially undeserved words. But they don't care. They never will. They are too busy building an empire of lies, slander, and creating fabrications to turn people against me, and more hurtful still, to turn me against myself.
So I will leave YOU with this, despite what you have said about me, what you have made others say about me, what others say about my feeling and actions, and how much you think you have to try and beat me down to get what you want, remember that I have done NOTHING to continue this bullshit. I have said nothing, I have acted in NO WAY as I have been portrayed (and I have proof), and though I'm sure enough has been said about you that you have grown cold to it, not everyone is the cold hearted, tyranical bitch you make them out to be.
Please remember that the next time you twist those words, make up stories, lie about circumstances and what's actually going on, and try to bring others into it like you are the victim when the attack is not on you, you are making it on me. I know a lot more than you think I do. Remember that as well.
If you read this far, I'm sorry. Journals are for whatever you want them to be. Today it is my life journal; my diary of sorts to try and better explain my situation to those who seem to only want to make it worse or misconstrue my reasoning.
With Love Always,
Calliope
Calliope
Sorry you've had to go through it too. I honestly knew nothing about this until I saw this journal.
I thought, though, considering the effects this has had, that an explanation or reason had to be given to try and help others understand that I'm not doing this to be cruel or try to break things apart...I'm doing this for my emotional health.
This is not a time for depression or fear. This is a time for anger. You are being attacked. Anybody who is not helping you fight back is helping your attackers. This is when you will find out who your real friends are.
My advice is to call out your attackers. Say explicitly and exactly what is being said about you and by whom. If you don't know, when somebody tells you what's being said about, demand to know who told them; if they won't tell, then call them out. Any friends you lose were false friends from the start. Don't let your attackers throw slander from the shadows, throw light at them!
Above all, remind yourself over and over that it's their fault, not yours. It was their decision to spread slander about you, not yours. It's their actions in the first place which are making you fight back, nothing you did. Don't ever let them force you out, don't ever let them make you think you did anything wrong. Anger can easily turn back in on yourself if you also feel helpless. That's why you must fight back! Never apologise, you've done nothing to apologise for. Never give up,
never surrender,never back down, never call it done until every last lie has been exposed.Because from now until it's done, you can't!
I simply was explaining why I felt it was necessary to take the actions I have to prevent making myself and others look bad. Yes I am being attacked. Yes it hurts, but until certain things happen, there is little to nothing I can do without compromising people and instances in other aspects of the community.
When the time is right, things will fall into place, and all will be right. Thank you for your words.