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Depression & Devastation
10 years ago
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Thank you for all the Watches, Favorites, and Comments!
Thank you for all the Watches, Favorites, and Comments!
Hello everyone,
I hope that you are doing well and enjoying your summer. It's been a month since I last posted an update and figured it was high time to do so. I've had two treatments so far and although the side effects are rough, my joints feel a little stronger. There is still a lot of swelling and limited use and my hands look terrible but I am hopeful still.
My latest round of blood work showed that my sugars are really high. Part of it is due to the medications I'm on and part of it is diet. I've been craving comfort foods and being pooky a lot tends to validate poor food choices. (no one should have belly bombers three times in a week - just sayin)
Depression - it's a rough road when the blues hit you like a ton of bricks. Nothing seems to go right. It feels like you can't DO anything right and you feel it will never get any better. It also feels like it's not worth even trying. It's lonely as well. You don't want to bring others down but gods do you miss human contact. Being chronically sick has shown me that friends are treasures but rarely do the hang around when things are rough.
Case in point. My best friend tells me how much they miss me and really want some friend time. I tell them I'm available and would gladly move things around just to see them. They cancel three times in a row and finally admitted that they are scared to see me. Scared??? of me???
I never thought in a million years I could be scary. My chronic illness isn't contagious but I'm treated as if mere contact with me will spread it. Other friends admit that hanging out with me is difficult because of my exhaustion, fainting spells, etc. because they don't want to have to stop in the middle of something to take care of me.
I get it - I really do. I'm not capable of always fulfilling my social obligations but that doesn't mean I should be completely excluded from having a life. It's a disability - not the end of the world. I'm not dead yet - so totally wish people wouldn't treat me as if I was.
Being an ENFP personality gives me a lot of intuition and perception on the world around me. Instead of guilt tripping and judging people too harshly - I've stopped reaching out, I've stopped going out, and I'm just leaving myself available if/when I am wanted/needed.
It's been a year now since I last worked/taught and it's a completely different world for me. I started working when I was around 12 and got a federal permit when I was 14. I have never felt entitled and I have appreciated the struggle so that everything I've gotten gives me pride.
Now, I'm reliant on others to ensure my well being. It so rubs me the wrong way. I'm always thinking about alternative work solutions that would work with my hospital schedule and my own capabilities. My independence is just part of my core self and I acknowledge it.
I've been giving myself smaller achievable goals throughout this process to always have something to look forward too. Right now that is a trip to GEN CON. I've worked with my doctors to have a plan so that I can go. I've got two friends who are going with me and they are worried about my health but willing to do this with me anyway.
GEN CON is huge and I've made sure to only sign up for 1 - 2 things per day so that if needed I can go back to the hotel and rest. I've already lined up the nearest medical facility that takes my insurance and I am preparing a list of medications and doctor contacts should I have a fainting spell in the middle of the place and people freak out.
Devastation: Most of you know that I love love love growing roses. This year we have had so much rain and flash flooding that I've been worried sick for my roses. Last year was a wet year too and at first I thought everything was going to recover. All but one bush is now dead. My Lincoln is still holding but I can see the disease on it too.
What this means is I will be cutting down and pulling out the entire beds. I will attempt again starting next year in a new location in the yard. I'm just disappointed is all. They were so pretty this spring and showed such potential. Sadly, it is just one more thing that makes me feel like a failure. I do understand that logically it's not my fault and it's just circumstance ... but you probably get the idea of where my head is at currently.
So that is what is going on in my world. I'm trying hard to stay strong and positive but some days it's not so easy. I'm a flawed human being full of emotions. Could so totally go for some brownies and a hug right about now.
Thank you for taking time to read my long winded journal update. I truly hope you are all doing well and know that I am here. I may be quiet and I may not answer every single comment, shout, or note. I am reading them and I am honored that you would take time to think of me and keep me in your life. *HUGS*
Until we speak again,
-Angelis
I hope that you are doing well and enjoying your summer. It's been a month since I last posted an update and figured it was high time to do so. I've had two treatments so far and although the side effects are rough, my joints feel a little stronger. There is still a lot of swelling and limited use and my hands look terrible but I am hopeful still.
My latest round of blood work showed that my sugars are really high. Part of it is due to the medications I'm on and part of it is diet. I've been craving comfort foods and being pooky a lot tends to validate poor food choices. (no one should have belly bombers three times in a week - just sayin)
Depression - it's a rough road when the blues hit you like a ton of bricks. Nothing seems to go right. It feels like you can't DO anything right and you feel it will never get any better. It also feels like it's not worth even trying. It's lonely as well. You don't want to bring others down but gods do you miss human contact. Being chronically sick has shown me that friends are treasures but rarely do the hang around when things are rough.
Case in point. My best friend tells me how much they miss me and really want some friend time. I tell them I'm available and would gladly move things around just to see them. They cancel three times in a row and finally admitted that they are scared to see me. Scared??? of me???
I never thought in a million years I could be scary. My chronic illness isn't contagious but I'm treated as if mere contact with me will spread it. Other friends admit that hanging out with me is difficult because of my exhaustion, fainting spells, etc. because they don't want to have to stop in the middle of something to take care of me.
I get it - I really do. I'm not capable of always fulfilling my social obligations but that doesn't mean I should be completely excluded from having a life. It's a disability - not the end of the world. I'm not dead yet - so totally wish people wouldn't treat me as if I was.
Being an ENFP personality gives me a lot of intuition and perception on the world around me. Instead of guilt tripping and judging people too harshly - I've stopped reaching out, I've stopped going out, and I'm just leaving myself available if/when I am wanted/needed.
It's been a year now since I last worked/taught and it's a completely different world for me. I started working when I was around 12 and got a federal permit when I was 14. I have never felt entitled and I have appreciated the struggle so that everything I've gotten gives me pride.
Now, I'm reliant on others to ensure my well being. It so rubs me the wrong way. I'm always thinking about alternative work solutions that would work with my hospital schedule and my own capabilities. My independence is just part of my core self and I acknowledge it.
I've been giving myself smaller achievable goals throughout this process to always have something to look forward too. Right now that is a trip to GEN CON. I've worked with my doctors to have a plan so that I can go. I've got two friends who are going with me and they are worried about my health but willing to do this with me anyway.
GEN CON is huge and I've made sure to only sign up for 1 - 2 things per day so that if needed I can go back to the hotel and rest. I've already lined up the nearest medical facility that takes my insurance and I am preparing a list of medications and doctor contacts should I have a fainting spell in the middle of the place and people freak out.
Devastation: Most of you know that I love love love growing roses. This year we have had so much rain and flash flooding that I've been worried sick for my roses. Last year was a wet year too and at first I thought everything was going to recover. All but one bush is now dead. My Lincoln is still holding but I can see the disease on it too.
What this means is I will be cutting down and pulling out the entire beds. I will attempt again starting next year in a new location in the yard. I'm just disappointed is all. They were so pretty this spring and showed such potential. Sadly, it is just one more thing that makes me feel like a failure. I do understand that logically it's not my fault and it's just circumstance ... but you probably get the idea of where my head is at currently.
So that is what is going on in my world. I'm trying hard to stay strong and positive but some days it's not so easy. I'm a flawed human being full of emotions. Could so totally go for some brownies and a hug right about now.
Thank you for taking time to read my long winded journal update. I truly hope you are all doing well and know that I am here. I may be quiet and I may not answer every single comment, shout, or note. I am reading them and I am honored that you would take time to think of me and keep me in your life. *HUGS*
Until we speak again,
-Angelis
I'm sorry you are feeling down, but we are all here for you. No matter what happens we will do what we can to get a smile, laugh, or a warm hug for and from a caring friend.
I'm sorry to hear about the roses. It's been raining a lot around here as well, but I know your garden will look amazing in no time. You have those two fantastic green thumbs that will help anything grow. They grow with your help and flourish because you take such good care of them. No one can control the weather but you are there to give them a fighting chance.
I bet this con you are going to is going to be a lot of fun and you'll meet a lot of interesting and awesome people. Plus you get to hang out with friends.
I know you have a lot of people who are willing and can do more to help than I can, but I'll always be willing to help in anyway I can. Even if it's just making a giant mess in the kitchen
-Lots of hugs-
Pacem
Depression is not only a bitch, it's a slut since everyone seems to get a turn. Happened to me in the worst way during my Chemo, but considering what chemo does to you, then on top of that how it limits everything you used to enjoy, is it a wonder that depression hits? However, you STILL have friends who care about you.
I ended up looking like a skull on a stick when I got out of chemo, because the chemo I got made me puke my guts out while I was on it. In fact, I had one lackwitted doctor who threatened to shove a tube down my nose. I politely informed him that if he tries any such thing, he'd best have four very strong orderlies who have their insurance paid up to hold me down while you do it, and you'd best have your malpractice insurance paid up 'cause you're gonna need it. But yea, feeling rotten does tend to make for craving of comfort food, since other forms of comfort seem a million miles away.
It's a shame about the roses, but such is El Nino. Besides, roses can be replaced, you cannot.
I hope you enjoy GenCon, unfortunately I won't be able to get away from my work to go up this year.
Clyde's Rant-o-rama is open any time. I'll be more than happy to pun at you and offer what support I can whenever you need it.