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(ranting)Like a patch, have to be removed?
10 years ago
Long rant, so can disregard with journal entry if not interested in such, no major news in it.
Well I have a tendency to unload on people, especially at night and it got me thinking; would it be best if people cut connection to me, since I can't imagine it being good for them.
A bad tendency with artists is that we like to have pity parties and I think most are aware, but do it any way because it's either habits, padding or bad mindset.
I've often, if not always, consider my existence harmful or disappoint to everyone I know and around me. Not that I don't look for people to talk with, it's human nature, but might be a destructive nature.
Recently got some papers from I meeting I was add, that list up things about what they mean and thing about me and lets sad, you could use a post-it note for what they consider positive about me and used over 2 pages the negative statements they have. It has to do with how competent they believe me to be to get work or me living on my own, so usually paper work that drags things along.
Being pushed to a 5 year plan that I try different internships to determine how much work I can handle, what co-workers think of me working and so on. It's not a bad plan and it might work, but again, can't get myself optimistic and can't see anything wrong with the plan, so just have to bare with it.
Might dig myself deeper into negative things that is in it then positive, but again, bad habits that makes things harder for myself, do I don't think I'll disagree with what they say or blame anyone for it.
In the end, it's my problems, can't ask or won't ask people to help me with it, as said, no benefits from their side and shouldn't waste time on it.
It's also been on of the reason that it's hard for me to start anything lately, because it's hard to tell what is worth or if it'll ever be good enough. Even reading notes have gotten harder or chatting with people, seems to add more stress then it should, even if it's just greetings or best wishes. Scared most of the time and worried. Again, bad habits and it's also noted in the paper.
So if people ask or wonder how I'm doing, physically, it's okay but don't move much or eat much, so could be better and don't starve or freeze, so not dying as such. Mentally, don't think it'll be ever all right, if it's how I am, as they say from the psychologies and shrinks I have meet with, don't know, still feel it's something I've done to myself, just not sure how.
Even if I go on vacation, I can't put away the worries and when half a week or such before going home, I stress myself up in great deal.
So that is what I have on my mind lately and I think it's something that will stick on my mind for a long time, is my existence poisonous to people around me or am I the poison to myself, can't tell, could be both really, and being me, I feel it's likely is.
Long rant and sorry about that, don't have to take it serious or not, but it's just a few things on my mind.
Well I have a tendency to unload on people, especially at night and it got me thinking; would it be best if people cut connection to me, since I can't imagine it being good for them.
A bad tendency with artists is that we like to have pity parties and I think most are aware, but do it any way because it's either habits, padding or bad mindset.
I've often, if not always, consider my existence harmful or disappoint to everyone I know and around me. Not that I don't look for people to talk with, it's human nature, but might be a destructive nature.
Recently got some papers from I meeting I was add, that list up things about what they mean and thing about me and lets sad, you could use a post-it note for what they consider positive about me and used over 2 pages the negative statements they have. It has to do with how competent they believe me to be to get work or me living on my own, so usually paper work that drags things along.
Being pushed to a 5 year plan that I try different internships to determine how much work I can handle, what co-workers think of me working and so on. It's not a bad plan and it might work, but again, can't get myself optimistic and can't see anything wrong with the plan, so just have to bare with it.
Might dig myself deeper into negative things that is in it then positive, but again, bad habits that makes things harder for myself, do I don't think I'll disagree with what they say or blame anyone for it.
In the end, it's my problems, can't ask or won't ask people to help me with it, as said, no benefits from their side and shouldn't waste time on it.
It's also been on of the reason that it's hard for me to start anything lately, because it's hard to tell what is worth or if it'll ever be good enough. Even reading notes have gotten harder or chatting with people, seems to add more stress then it should, even if it's just greetings or best wishes. Scared most of the time and worried. Again, bad habits and it's also noted in the paper.
So if people ask or wonder how I'm doing, physically, it's okay but don't move much or eat much, so could be better and don't starve or freeze, so not dying as such. Mentally, don't think it'll be ever all right, if it's how I am, as they say from the psychologies and shrinks I have meet with, don't know, still feel it's something I've done to myself, just not sure how.
Even if I go on vacation, I can't put away the worries and when half a week or such before going home, I stress myself up in great deal.
So that is what I have on my mind lately and I think it's something that will stick on my mind for a long time, is my existence poisonous to people around me or am I the poison to myself, can't tell, could be both really, and being me, I feel it's likely is.
Long rant and sorry about that, don't have to take it serious or not, but it's just a few things on my mind.
If you ever need any of the above.... please feel free to poke me. I'd love to just 'chat' about things. Maybe get some cyclical 'cheer ups' going on for both of us.
and don't think you're not talented. In my eyes, you're one of the most talented people I know (abit inpersonally) and that one sequence you did of Xili was the highlight of that month that brought me out of my own 'dark place'.
*winghugs*
Also you can talk to me too if you like I will always listen and sometimes I will not even speak if you do not want me too.
In closing: I think you are a very nice and wonderfully talented person who needs like everyone else to vent instead of holding it in. You are amazingly talented in many ways I will never be and vice versa. You need love and respect its human to desire these things and lots of here myself included are here to help!
Best to you,
Fel
There's also marijuana if you want the lazy way out :P
I would definitely say you need to do something to get out of your own head. Your mind is stuck in a recursive loop of feeling bad about yourself, feeling bad about it affecting other people, and then feeling worse about yourself because you feel you're dragging other people down. Sometimes therapy doesn't help because it just keeps you in your head, although if you're ready to work through the unpleasantries it's very direct. People have all sorts of ways to alleviate anxiety, whether it's drugs, religion, video games, music, friends etc. The method doesn't really matter.
What matters is that you first believe that you deserve happiness and that you can choose to get there.