I don't usually do this, and I'm sorry for doing it after such a long gap. I guess it just helps to talk about things, or at least to write them down. My brother and I have somewhat of a strained relationship. Even when we were younger, we were always on different paths, I was brain, he was brawn. I never understood the appeal of sports, or he of music and games. I've never had a large pool of friends, he's never known what it's like to be bullied and feel powerless.

That stuff doesn't usually bother me. We're different people, we act differently, but most of the time we get along, even if it's a little rocky. Lately though, he's been a real jerk, seemingly going out of his way to hurt everyone around him with what he says, giving no consideration to anyone but himself, including his girlfriend. God knows I never thought I'd be on her side.

Today though, it cut a little deeper than normal. As anyone who knows me can tell you, my boyfriend Shawn is the best thing in my life. I look forward to talking to him every day, I feel comforted when he's around, I look forward to making him feel better if he's had a bad day, or saying stupid things to make each other laugh, or talking about things we can't talk about with anyone else. My brother is a massive homophobe, and the fact that I have a boyfriend, and am open about it, pisses him off to no end.

Somehow we got onto the topic of children, something to do with our dogs or something, I can't remember. He said kids were overrated, and I said I wanted kids and was looking forward to the part of my life. He wouldn't even look at me, and he told me to shut up. In fact, he said it twice for emphasis, adding "being gay and having kids don't mix."

Naturally, I was a little hurt. More than a little hurt, because it made me realize that he doesn't think of me as a whole person. He compartmentalizes who I am, and he ignores everything that doesn't fit in his neat little box. You're goddamn right I want kids, and I think I'll make a great parent. I feel like there are so many kids out there who need a family, who cares if it's a same-sex couple that takes them in?

...well, I don't really feel better, but writing this has made things a little clearer for me.

In closing, I really want to thank people for listening. Especially  raichupuppy and  seldenls, two people dear to my heart who I talked to just after it happened and helped me not be so depressed about it.

Edit:
I was mad, when I wrote this. I had a lot of time to think about it, too. To tell the truth, we were getting along so well that I threw out a joke without thinking. "It's funny, it's the gay brother who wants kids in this family."

It's a simple thing to say, isn't it? A lighthearted jest, if my brother were open to that kind of thing. But he isn't, he hears the word gay and he thinks "guys who screw each other in the ass". I don't know what he thinks of me for that, but I guess in his mind, that part of me represents something he doesn't like. I threw it in his face, even if I didn't mean to. I screwed up, and he reacted the only way he knows how.

My brother acts like he's invincible. He shrugs things off with a joke or a comment, and he doesn't show what gets to him. I shouldn't have brought it up, and all the progressive "You shouldn't hide what you are" comments can't change that. It's tearing my household apart, my mother says. My need, my drive to be different. I'm starting to wonder if she's right.