So, let's talk about depression for a minute.

Yes, I'm only 19, going on 20 this year, and I realize that people with a normal, healthily functioning brain have told me time and time and again that my issues are petty. Doesn't mean they don't hurt.

For the people that are about to say that the issues are petty, don't.
For the people that are about to ask, "Haven't I helped at all?" Yes. You have, trust me. But there are things that come up and break me.
For the people that are going to just hate or just judge, take it elsewhere. I don't have the capacity to handle it right now.

Anyways, for the few of you that I've spoken to about it, you no doubt know that I've been depressed, for various reasons. For those of you that don't know, allow me to fill you in. For a good while now, I've felt as if my family has been wanting to get rid of me entirely, figuratively trying to suffocate me. Coupled with that, I've felt a crippling loneliness, and with years of pent up, hidden away emotions, my mindset tells me and makes me feel as if I barely have any friends left at all. I can't properly describe the way it feels, but I can put it this way: Imagine waking up every day and feeling that isolation, your friends, your family, they don't want you. You walk past them and they just glare, wondering why you exist. It doesn't feel nice, it never has, and it never will.

I've tried to tell people that I want to off myself in the past. The few friends that I do have left, and my mate, of course, have helped me through those times. But it keeps coming back, that desire. The demons in my head feed on the pain, and they bring back the suicidal thoughts. It isn't fun, to say the least.

Before you ask, "Ridley, what's so hard with approaching and talking to people?" It's.. not that easy for me. I have social anxiety, and I fear making mistakes when talking to folks. It's a small point, but it's important in this case because of the situation.

Anyways... I just wanted to get it off my chest, let people know. Thanks for bothering to read this.

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Anyone want to talk about anger? Things that really push you over the fucking edge?

Yeah, I know, this is a complete polar opposite of what I said yesterday, but fuck it. It's another fucking issue I deal with daily.

Every. Single. Day. I have to deal with my crippling depression and the sorrow that it brings, and the absolute blinding rage that just builds, and builds, and builds. Though, this melts in with what I brought up yesterday, to an extent. About being kicked aside, thrown away like a broken toy. I have been an angry motherfucker for years, but I don't let anyone see it because I care about them, but there are times, like right now, for instance, where I'm about to explode. When it comes out, it's an eruption. (Yes, I know that was innuendo. No, I don't care.)

to put it to you like this, I'm sick of being cast away, if you want me as your friend, fucking act like it. Don't just start talking and bail, don't hate on me for being me, just be my fucking friend. I can't stand the thought of people being fake as fuck, and thinking it's funny. There's nothing funny in acting like a fuckstick. Sure, I sound immature, but it's like the forewarning on my front page, don't step on me. I'm not your doormat.

Boy oh boy do I look forward to the breakdown I'm going to have after this. Thanks again for listening to my stupid bullshit.