So I'm done posting medical updates for now, because no one fucking tells me anything.

I just want to know what's wrong with me, but no one can make up their fucking mind about what tests need to be done, or when they need to be done, or what order.

So I'm sitting in the dark, with agonizing stomach, back, knee, and neck pain, just wishing that it'll be over soon.

I just want to feel better...That's all I want...And the more I sit here miserable, starving to death, and still feeling like a fat piece of shit, I think about how nice death must feel. I think about welcoming nothingness with open arms, but the only thing that keeps me here is not my will or wish to live, it's the fact I'd not just be hurting me. I'd be hurting family, and in all honesty, I'm sure I'm just flattering myself to say my friends would miss me more than a day. But I don't want to hurt my dad, or my mom, or my aunts or uncles, or my cousins. But if I do end up breaking, I swear to Christ I'm mentioning how fucking much I resent and hate my brother. I want him to live the rest of his life stricken with guilt and sadness, knowing he drove me to suicide. He is not the only reason I feel like this, but he is one of the biggest sources of my anxiety, sadness, anger, and all other shit emotions I've been feeling.