i've never really believed that people could be cursed, but after the string of bad luck  justjim and i have had this year, i'm beginning to wonder.

i just got off the phone with jim, who is sitting in a parking lot waiting for someone to come jump-start his car battery/possible tow the car if they can't get it started. this is the third time we've had car trouble in the past year. we still owe over $1000 for the last time it broke down.

these sorts of things happen to all of us now and then, but it seems like for justjim and i, they have become a regular occurrence. we just can't seem to catch a break.

we really can't afford to put any more money into a car that breaks down as often as this one does. thinking about it makes me want to cry. right now we're scrambling to come up with enough money to pay my for my health insurance (due in a week). once that's paid, we'll have $0. my eyes are watering typing that, haha.i know that's just how life is, but it sucks. we're in debt up to our ears and can never seem to bring in enough money to pay any off it off and take care of ourselves at the same time.

i feel like i'm not emotionally capable of handling any more bad news right now. i had blood drawn thursday and on friday i got the results, but they weren't so great. that's weighing heavily on my mind, as are my other health problems. i'm in constant pain, constantly stressed out, constantly afraid. sometimes just being alive is hard.

those are just a couple pieces of bad news we've gotten this week - really, it seems like something terrible happens every day lately. i don't mean to complain because i know our situation could be a lot worse, but that doesn't change the fact that it's still pretty darn awful. both jim and myself feel as if depression has swallowed us whole. it isn't a good feeling.

i dunno. i broke down and told the doctor i'm depressed and suicidal the other day, so she referred me to a psychologist. maybe it'll help me. i've struggled with depression since i was a teen, but never on this level. i need help finding ways to cope. i feel like i've fallen apart since i lost my dad.

i don't want to end this journal on such a depressing note, so i'll share something that makes me smile whenever i think about it. my sister has a kitten named spooky that she doesn't take care of at all, so jim and i do instead. because of that, he's closer to us than he is her. basically, he's our cat (don't tell my sister that, though).

ANYWAY, he frequently leaves gifts outside our bedroom door. little things he manages to swipe from other rooms in the house when nobody is looking - small toys that belong to my nephews, pens, batteries, and even a pillow once. sometimes, though, the gifts he brings us are eerily relevant. like he can understand us or something.

one night i was complaining to jim that the earbuds i have hurt my ears. the next morning we found a pair of earbuds outside the door. they were nice, but spooky had chewed a hole in one of them. he must have heard me complaining about it, because the morning after that, he brought yet another pair that were nicer than the last (no teeth marks or anything!).

he also brought me a medal one day (maybe trying to cheer me up??). i don't know, but i love that cat so much sometimes it hurts.

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