On July 25, 2015, my friend Ryan, who I had known for over six years, passed away. He was killed in a car accident alongside a friend he had been living with. He was only 24 years old.
Ryan struggled throughout most of his life. He was bullied in high school for his orientation, and dropped out. He was abused by his stepfather and had a strained relationship with his family. For a time he was homeless and jobless. Yet despite all of his hardships, he was pure of heart. Ryan was a pacifist, as well as a vegetarian. He was a person with a strong sense of morals.
Ryan suffered from a poor self image. He always underestimated his abilities, his potential. This was the case with his phenomenal photography skills, which he always downplayed, and his artwork, which he had only recently taken pride in. Ryan would worry that he wasn't being entertaining enough for his friends, and always had reservations about branching out and meeting new people. He felt like he didn't fit in anywhere, although at one time and place, there was an exception.

What follows is my recollection of events. I met Ryan on the FurAffinity Forums, either in 2008 or 2009, but before I had been on the site for a year. He had an attractive avatar, and was even more attractive in the photos he would post of himself... I absolutely had a crush on him. He definitely didn't reciprocate my feelings at the time, though. However, we formed a friendship, if only a weak one. As the years went by and we continued to interact with each other, our friendship grew, and faded. There were times where I wasn't participating in the fandom, so I think for a while, it would have been questionable to even call us friends.
Things changed when there was a split in the FurAffinity Forum community, early in 2011. A new forum called the General Time Wasting Forum was created, with only a small amount of users, including Ryan and I. Since there were only a few of us, our relationships strengthened considerably. We set up regular Tinychat sessions, where we would communicate with each other over mic and webcam. It was that time which Ryan thought the most fondly of whenever we reminisced. It was a place where he could truly say he belonged.
From December 2012 to April 2013, Ryan and I considered each other boyfriends. For a while, I had never felt happier. However, we called it off because the stress of school compounded with the stress of maintaining an online relationship was too much for me. Ryan was the only boyfriend I ever officially had.
It was later in 2013 that Ryan was homeless. Even though we had called off our relationship, I was stressing out over him more than ever. Finals were approaching for me, which made things especially difficult. However, we remained friends, because we were both afraid to lose each other. Amazingly, Ryan was able to overcome his situation. He got a job as a barista, and a place to live.
However, he was still unhappy. He disliked where he was living. An opportunity to move in with a friend from another state came up, and Ryan seized it, knowing the risk that would come with moving. However, he found that his new living situation wasn't what he was expecting, and was also unable to find a job. His life was cut short before things had a chance to improve.

Looking through old notes that we've exchanged on FurAffinity made me realize how immature I was, and how immature I continue to be. It made me think of how different things could have turned out if I gave more thought into my messages, if I put more effort into our friendship. Many times, I questioned his intentions, as well as his honesty, even though there were no grounds for accusations. I can't help but think that I was partly responsible for his fears and self loathing. There is no doubt in my mind that he cared more about me than I did about him. I'm not going to blame myself for Ryan's death. But I will blame myself for not being the friend I could have been.
Ryan always wanted me to come visit him in person. Recently, he even offered to have me stay with him and his roommate, in case I was ever in a bad situation and needed a place to live. I would always tell him, "I'm not ready to visit you." "I'm not independent." I shouldn't have made excuses. If I really wanted to, I'm sure I could have visited him. But I didn't even try, and now the only way to meet him is to visit his resting place. That's something I will regret for the rest of my life.
You were a best friend to me, Ryan. You inspired me, you were a source of comfort to me, and you made me feel like I was worth something. You encouraged me to be more open about my emotions, and you were always willing to listen. You reinforced my sense of morality. You showed me that even in the worst situations, it's possible to bring yourself back up. You were a role model to me, in the sense that you were independent, even though you had less opportunities and suffered more hardships than I did. My life was made better because you were in it, and I am a better person for having met you. For that, I am thankful.
It's difficult for me to accept that you're gone. Your story sounds so unbelievably tragic, how can it be real? And yet, this is the new reality that we find ourselves in. I won't get a new message from you. I won't be able to hear your voice, I won't be able to see your smile, I won't be able to see you grow and improve as an artist. I'll never be able to live with you.
This eulogy isn't nearly enough to express the sorrow I feel for your death, and the happiness I feel for the memories you have given me. For now though, it's the best I can manage. You will always be a part of me, Ryan.