It's been two days now. Two whole days and it still feels like just yesterday that we were grumbling about the Tennessee heat as we tried to sleep off the previous night. It also feels like a million years since I got the news.

I still can't believe it. It feels so strange. To think all those conversations we had, about death and the meaning of life, and you were the one reassuring me about my fear of the void and fear of living a meaningless life. You were my grounding, then. You pulled my head out of those stormy clouds and helped me put my feet back on the ground. You took my focus away from death so that I could concentrate on life.

If there was anyone I knew who had looked death in the face and decided it was nothing to be worried about, it was you, my friend.

But I can't say that makes this feel any better. Life without you.

When we first started talking, two or so years ago now, I instantly liked you. I had a crush, too, for a bit. But the both of us were going through hard times. I had decided not to kill myself and was looking for meaning in life, trying to salvage my existence. You were still deep into hard drugs and, to use your own words, burning bridges. So I was happy to just lean on you, and let you lean on me, and leave notions of anything beyond friendship at the door. Survival. We just had to focus on survival.

Even two separate pains are made easier when they are shared.

And survive we did. I turned my life around and so did you. And you went through so much more than I could have handled. And somehow, even during your dark days, your inner light just shined through. There was just so much life in you that it was infectious.

Did you know? Even when I felt like the most worthless person, hopeless in my desolation and feeling so utterly alone, to talk to you would make me smile. Even when you were sad, too. You made me feel less alone.

You meant, and continue to mean, so much to me. You brought light into my life where I felt there was none. You encouraged me in my search for meaning, and applauded me when I found it. And I was likewise so, so happy for you as your life turned around. A new home. A new job, one with so many interesting stories, which I know you loved to tell. So many friends who loved you so much. And beautiful hair and sassy goddamn boots. Your life was becoming as beautiful as you.

I can only hope I meant even a fraction to you that you did to me. I am devastated without you. The world is greyer, and less friendly somehow.

You told me our road trip was your happiest memory. I got so flustered, at the time, I could hardly believe it. Your life was so extraordinary, I was honored to even be a footnote in it. And now, no matter how hard I imagine it, I can't wake up in our tent. Drenched in sweat with the thumping of a distant drum kit testing the mics, at the bright and early time of 2PM. It feels so real and so recent and yet it slips through my fingers the harder I try. I want to wake up there because you were there.

But I can't. I'm left with this reality without you in it. And I suppose I have to make do. But god, does it suck. I don't want to.

You'd want me to, I know. You always encouraged me to live my life to the fullest. That was one of the things I loved about you. You loved life and you loved seeing people live it, even and especially if yours wasn't going so great.

You had so much love. So much patience. You would fight with people and turn around and talk to them like they were a friend. So many people have reached out to me in your absence to tell me how much they loved you, too. And they all say the same. Your heart had room for everyone in it. You didn't care how they saw themselves or what they'd done in past; you saw the light in them all and you brought it out in everyone.

I feel robbed, honestly. Everyone should. Whatever missteps you made in your past, you more than made up for them. You were a force for good in so many of our lives.

I'll miss the hell out of you. I'll miss sharing music that excited us. I'll miss laughing at dirty jokes. I'll miss talking about our characters and their fucked up little lives, and writing stories together. I'll miss the feeling of elation I got when I had a message from you. I'll miss your face, your smile, your lilting voice.

You made my life better, my friend. Even in two short years, which was not nearly enough time. Not nearly enough at all. But you made the most of the time you had. You did so much living in 23 years. I was excited to see what you would've done with 60 more.

I love you, Red. I love you and miss you and I will carry you in my heart until I join you in that space between spaces.

Goodbye, my friend.