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Mental Health - Tapped Out (Sorry to my Commissioners)
10 years ago
I'm deeply ashamed of this, since I really wanted to be better for you guys...
I'm drained. I've kept a busboy job going for a while that isn't super physically exhausting, but it's a mental dreg-drainer... I'm constantly interacting with people, scanning broadly for problems, and there's nothing for my brain to focus on. And, of course, I'm not an athletic person and I'm not the best at being on my feet for eight hours straight.
On top of that, my bike was stolen from right in front of the restaurant on Monday night. The perfect cap to the week.
Saturday, I had to train a guy who obviously wasn't up, mentally, for the job - and used my treatment of him as his excuse for quitting in the space of two minutes. So I had to fill out affidavits and shit, and as you can imagine it wasn't the best for my state.
Sunday I worked a double shift on top of my saturday shift, more for the sake of getting the boss to like it... that night a customer interpreted my offhand compliment about his beer as a homophobic crack (I keep forgetting I don't really look queer at all). I was called into the alley for it, and ended up (while alone with my thoughts) sobbing my lungs out lying on my side in the alley... I was graciously allowed to just leave for the night, since the customers were gone....
Today I had a wonderful-but-too-brief meeting with a friend I don't see nearly enough, plus her girlfriend and pit bull, and sorta lost all my happy spoons... and spent the last few hours playing depressing songs on acoustic guitar in the basement. ("And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda," anyone? Once I start playing "Adam's Song," I'm fucked.)
So what I'm starting to realize...
I have no energy.
I have none. I'm using it up at the job, but don't have any way to recharge it.
I no longer end up listening to music, playing music, reading, looking at other people's art (this is a biggie) or just any activity that gives my life meaning and lets me draw energy from myself and know things about the world.
It just doesn't happen.
The other epiphany I had is that I really have very few people to talk to at a high enough level to feel satisfied. I feel like all my conversations, I'm dumbing something down, and I'm so damn sick of it.
(Luckily, I'm not fired - my boss used to be a chemist and she knows how Aspie people think, she understands what I meant.)
Between this, Sunday and a brief moment on Tuesday, I clearly have no energy at all and I've had more attacks of absolute despair in this last week than in several weeks beforehand. It's all being drained and I don't have any good ways to call it back again.
I want to be able to leave this job on good terms for once, once I go back to school and classes interfere with my shifts. Luckily, if I end up collapsing next weekend, I'll be able to still say I was there from May to August. It'll still look like a summer job. And my cousin's getting married, so I've got at least some of that weekend off.
But in light of this massive amount of crying and snot (and the fact that my commute is now an extra half hour's walk), I'm now aware that I need to focus my energy on recovery (and a rather detailed wedding painting to finish). My commissions...
...I'ma place them on hold for a little bit. I'm so sorry to you guys, but this is the job that I can cut for the sake of my mental health.
But I do want to get all of these done at some point, you guys want them and I'll deliver them. But please tell me if you need any of them in a hurry...
And I also didn't expect more than two people to ever want commissions from my unpolished punk self. It's a pleasant surprise, but I wasn't prepared for this in the least. You guys are great.
This... this will probably never be my day job unless I make it my day job and get the necessary energy back.
Here's where I am with all of you with commissions still in progress, in queue order -
Ealadubh - Nine page Seal TF comic - Rough layout done, materials purchased, halfway through a rough breakdown script
USAF2222 - Digital Portrait - learning to draw robots for the discerning eye
Thalomine - Digital Painting - Multiple rough layouts done, must remember to send for approval
Truttle - Two Page Digital Diptych - Learning to draw bears for the discerning eye
SeadogDriftwood - Five Page Architecture TF Pentych - In discussion stage
Kodalynx - Oil Portrait - In discussion stage
Terrible - Painting - debating with myself if I have the energy to accept the request or not, but love the idea
I'm drained. I've kept a busboy job going for a while that isn't super physically exhausting, but it's a mental dreg-drainer... I'm constantly interacting with people, scanning broadly for problems, and there's nothing for my brain to focus on. And, of course, I'm not an athletic person and I'm not the best at being on my feet for eight hours straight.
On top of that, my bike was stolen from right in front of the restaurant on Monday night. The perfect cap to the week.
Saturday, I had to train a guy who obviously wasn't up, mentally, for the job - and used my treatment of him as his excuse for quitting in the space of two minutes. So I had to fill out affidavits and shit, and as you can imagine it wasn't the best for my state.
Sunday I worked a double shift on top of my saturday shift, more for the sake of getting the boss to like it... that night a customer interpreted my offhand compliment about his beer as a homophobic crack (I keep forgetting I don't really look queer at all). I was called into the alley for it, and ended up (while alone with my thoughts) sobbing my lungs out lying on my side in the alley... I was graciously allowed to just leave for the night, since the customers were gone....
Today I had a wonderful-but-too-brief meeting with a friend I don't see nearly enough, plus her girlfriend and pit bull, and sorta lost all my happy spoons... and spent the last few hours playing depressing songs on acoustic guitar in the basement. ("And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda," anyone? Once I start playing "Adam's Song," I'm fucked.)
So what I'm starting to realize...
I have no energy.
I have none. I'm using it up at the job, but don't have any way to recharge it.
I no longer end up listening to music, playing music, reading, looking at other people's art (this is a biggie) or just any activity that gives my life meaning and lets me draw energy from myself and know things about the world.
It just doesn't happen.
The other epiphany I had is that I really have very few people to talk to at a high enough level to feel satisfied. I feel like all my conversations, I'm dumbing something down, and I'm so damn sick of it.
(Luckily, I'm not fired - my boss used to be a chemist and she knows how Aspie people think, she understands what I meant.)
Between this, Sunday and a brief moment on Tuesday, I clearly have no energy at all and I've had more attacks of absolute despair in this last week than in several weeks beforehand. It's all being drained and I don't have any good ways to call it back again.
I want to be able to leave this job on good terms for once, once I go back to school and classes interfere with my shifts. Luckily, if I end up collapsing next weekend, I'll be able to still say I was there from May to August. It'll still look like a summer job. And my cousin's getting married, so I've got at least some of that weekend off.
But in light of this massive amount of crying and snot (and the fact that my commute is now an extra half hour's walk), I'm now aware that I need to focus my energy on recovery (and a rather detailed wedding painting to finish). My commissions...
...I'ma place them on hold for a little bit. I'm so sorry to you guys, but this is the job that I can cut for the sake of my mental health.
But I do want to get all of these done at some point, you guys want them and I'll deliver them. But please tell me if you need any of them in a hurry...
And I also didn't expect more than two people to ever want commissions from my unpolished punk self. It's a pleasant surprise, but I wasn't prepared for this in the least. You guys are great.
This... this will probably never be my day job unless I make it my day job and get the necessary energy back.
Here's where I am with all of you with commissions still in progress, in queue order -
Ealadubh - Nine page Seal TF comic - Rough layout done, materials purchased, halfway through a rough breakdown script
USAF2222 - Digital Portrait - learning to draw robots for the discerning eye
Thalomine - Digital Painting - Multiple rough layouts done, must remember to send for approval 
Truttle - Two Page Digital Diptych - Learning to draw bears for the discerning eye
SeadogDriftwood - Five Page Architecture TF Pentych - In discussion stage
Kodalynx - Oil Portrait - In discussion stage
Terrible - Painting - debating with myself if I have the energy to accept the request or not, but love the idea
I know how damned hard it is to struggle through mental exhaustion from the end of every term of university. Granted, it is different from dealing with people - but it's exhaustion all the same.
Rest up, and use Gravol or, if need be, ~5 mg of Melatonin to insure you get that rest. *hugs again*