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Leaving the past behind, one impulsive decision at a time
10 years ago
General
About 10 years ago, I discovered the furry fandom.
It was not love at first sight, but over time I randomly fell upon things that I liked. Artists that crafted epic worlds and filled them with marvelous creatures. I've always had a love for monsters, especially of the reptilian kind: dinosaurs, lizardmen, dragons, etc. And these "scaly" artists struck a chord with me, awakening a primal desire to belong within their circle.
I dug deeper into the community. I read about its roots, followed fur's blogs and learned about their life, their struggles, their role within the fandom. I consumed the art, the stories, the feelings, knowing I had found something I had somehow always been looking for.
And then I did nothing.
I had settled into a comfortable position as a stalker. I fed on other people's thoughts and feelings, never bothering to express my own. My relationship with the fandom was read-only.
In short: I messed up.
There is a guy whose blog I discovered about 8 years ago. He spoke of discovering the community, of finding artists that awakened feelings deep within him. He knew no one in the fandom, he did not know what to do other than express what he felt and look for like-minded people. He described how "sensible decisions" had governed his life so far, yet all these rational actions were not bringing him happiness. And that he had recently found happiness in incredibly insensible and impulsive decisions.
There was a time, shortly after discovering the fandom, where I was much more open about myself. It was never explicitly mentioned, but I acted and hinted at being part of the fandom to people around me, without fear of shame. But I was a teenager. As I got older, I realized that such things could impact my personal image and my career in a negative way and began repressing them publicly.
I saw myself in this fellow scaly, his situation, his feelings, the incapability of doing what makes you happy because it is "irrational".
I recently re-discovered him. He now has many friends within the fandom, and can't wait to hang with them at conventions. The fandom helped him grow as a person, and he sounds happier and more confident than ever.
This could have been me if I had grown beyond being a mere observer. Why did I not?
From what I observed, a common trend for joining the fandom is a lingering sense of depression with one's life. Perhaps this is, ironically, what held me back: I'm a relatively happy person. I have enough friends to keep me busy. I like my situation, and if I don't I work to improve it. However, I've also learned something important over the last few years:
Some of the best decisions I have ever taken have been impulsive and far from sensible.
- I left behind a perfectly good job, where I could have kept a stable career all the way to retirement, for a risky, chaotic workplace. Friends and family thought I was crazy. It remains to this day one of the best decisions I ever took.
- Randomly contacting some guy online who blogged about his job led to a 2-years relationship that was a great time for both of us.
- I decided to travel the world, despite no friends interested or able to accompany me. I traveled alone across parts of America, Hawaii, several countries in Europe, and part of South-East Asia. This, despite the social stigma of doing activities alone.
- I have gone on countless dangerous adventures, and always came back with memories more than injuries.
So here I am, again, taking a rash decision. I've gone by the name Hainite in various online communities for over 12 years. But in the end, this was never meant to be a furry name. It was a gaming alias that I just decided to use for my furry account name. I did not even have a character back then. When I decided to make one, I figured I would just name him Hainite and call it a day.
But the name does not resonate with what I seek within the fandom, and it comes with too much of a baggage. So I thought about it for a bit, and tried to come up with a name more fit for a scaly, something that sounded more saurian.
Skaar. That's what I'll be known as from now one. Skaar Drae'noth, if a full name is needed.
I know that it is just a name, and I know I can change my furry and character names without having to throw 10 years of legacy behind... But I still feel like doing it. I want a fresh start, and hopefully I'll do better this time. This is not so much a name change, as much as a philosophy change. It is leaving the past behind, one impulsive decision at a time.
---
Over the next few days, I'll be going over the people I watch on my old account and re-watch those I still care about.
I'll also go through my favorites and re-fav things that are dear to me, that still resonate with me or that had an impact on my journey through the fandom so far. If I just faved something you did 6 years ago, that's why.
It was not love at first sight, but over time I randomly fell upon things that I liked. Artists that crafted epic worlds and filled them with marvelous creatures. I've always had a love for monsters, especially of the reptilian kind: dinosaurs, lizardmen, dragons, etc. And these "scaly" artists struck a chord with me, awakening a primal desire to belong within their circle.
I dug deeper into the community. I read about its roots, followed fur's blogs and learned about their life, their struggles, their role within the fandom. I consumed the art, the stories, the feelings, knowing I had found something I had somehow always been looking for.
And then I did nothing.
I had settled into a comfortable position as a stalker. I fed on other people's thoughts and feelings, never bothering to express my own. My relationship with the fandom was read-only.
In short: I messed up.
There is a guy whose blog I discovered about 8 years ago. He spoke of discovering the community, of finding artists that awakened feelings deep within him. He knew no one in the fandom, he did not know what to do other than express what he felt and look for like-minded people. He described how "sensible decisions" had governed his life so far, yet all these rational actions were not bringing him happiness. And that he had recently found happiness in incredibly insensible and impulsive decisions.
There was a time, shortly after discovering the fandom, where I was much more open about myself. It was never explicitly mentioned, but I acted and hinted at being part of the fandom to people around me, without fear of shame. But I was a teenager. As I got older, I realized that such things could impact my personal image and my career in a negative way and began repressing them publicly.
I saw myself in this fellow scaly, his situation, his feelings, the incapability of doing what makes you happy because it is "irrational".
I recently re-discovered him. He now has many friends within the fandom, and can't wait to hang with them at conventions. The fandom helped him grow as a person, and he sounds happier and more confident than ever.
This could have been me if I had grown beyond being a mere observer. Why did I not?
From what I observed, a common trend for joining the fandom is a lingering sense of depression with one's life. Perhaps this is, ironically, what held me back: I'm a relatively happy person. I have enough friends to keep me busy. I like my situation, and if I don't I work to improve it. However, I've also learned something important over the last few years:
Some of the best decisions I have ever taken have been impulsive and far from sensible.
- I left behind a perfectly good job, where I could have kept a stable career all the way to retirement, for a risky, chaotic workplace. Friends and family thought I was crazy. It remains to this day one of the best decisions I ever took.
- Randomly contacting some guy online who blogged about his job led to a 2-years relationship that was a great time for both of us.
- I decided to travel the world, despite no friends interested or able to accompany me. I traveled alone across parts of America, Hawaii, several countries in Europe, and part of South-East Asia. This, despite the social stigma of doing activities alone.
- I have gone on countless dangerous adventures, and always came back with memories more than injuries.
So here I am, again, taking a rash decision. I've gone by the name Hainite in various online communities for over 12 years. But in the end, this was never meant to be a furry name. It was a gaming alias that I just decided to use for my furry account name. I did not even have a character back then. When I decided to make one, I figured I would just name him Hainite and call it a day.
But the name does not resonate with what I seek within the fandom, and it comes with too much of a baggage. So I thought about it for a bit, and tried to come up with a name more fit for a scaly, something that sounded more saurian.
Skaar. That's what I'll be known as from now one. Skaar Drae'noth, if a full name is needed.
I know that it is just a name, and I know I can change my furry and character names without having to throw 10 years of legacy behind... But I still feel like doing it. I want a fresh start, and hopefully I'll do better this time. This is not so much a name change, as much as a philosophy change. It is leaving the past behind, one impulsive decision at a time.
---
Over the next few days, I'll be going over the people I watch on my old account and re-watch those I still care about.
I'll also go through my favorites and re-fav things that are dear to me, that still resonate with me or that had an impact on my journey through the fandom so far. If I just faved something you did 6 years ago, that's why.
I'm known as an asshole in the fandom. Why? Well I used to be a happy outgoing guy. But as time went on I realized that people were abusing my generosity and didn't really care for me. I withdrew all the kindness and became closed, only opening to people who proved they deserved it. This was the start of being an asshole. Later on it got worse because I didn't put up with people's shit and only kept people who didn't annoy me, actually talked, and were there for me. A trail of hundreds of failed friendships only furthered this. I've had so many different identies to try to get friends but it always ends the same. !
Anyways all I'm saying is go for the new start. Do it for you, even if nothing changes.