G O D DAMN.

Okay, so 90% of my watchers won't know me personally. Or anything about me.
So a lot of new things may be learned about me here. PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME OR ANYTHING.

But ugh, just so... Idek. I go through depression, but it's more in phases. I need to be occupied, something to do or just have someone to talk to vocally. I usually have my amazing boyfriend with me, but he's at a party right now (please don't feel bad hun ;~; ) and everyone else appears to be busy.

While I'm alone and don't have anything that can keep me entertained for more than 3 minutes, the depression really kicks in. I think about everything, be it the past, my current situation or worrying about the future. I don't reach out for help, when I do, nobody seems to care or know what to do.. I don't even announce it unless I really need to, like now.

I think a lot about my dad and the things he did in the past. Verbal and physical abuse to not just me but my entire family, which I endured and was MADE to watch throughout my entire childhood. I never had a relationship that you're supposed to have with parents. Then I look at my friends and their relationships with their families, exchanging "I love you"s and all that. I can't even bring myself to say that, and I feel so bad for it. I'm constantly told by my mother that basically my depression is fake. The thing is, it's not. I have bad thoughts, self harming and much, much worse. I never act on it, aside from maybe the occasional hard punch on my own legs. But that's nothing drastic.

I used to be strong. I'm 21 years old and I've endured this kinda thing for too long. I'm really kinda done trying to make effort for others when they can't be arsed/don't want to return the favour. Lately I'm lucky to have found a few that do.

Another example which really FUCKED me up last year was basically the entire year. I'd lost people I thought were close, failed my university, got dumped by my ex fiancée, got dragged into my mum and dad's divorce. Basically everything around me was pure shit. It made me completely vulnerable. I didn't know what to do, how to do anything, and this led to my first attempt of... you know. T H A T.

What stopped me? I remember how I felt, when a old best friend did it himself some time ago. I miss him. But at the same time, I really hope he's resting well, and looking over me to see how I progress in life. At the same time... I'm just scared of losing it all again.

I mean, I HATE it when people I call friends fawn over each other's work, make them feel good and amazing about it. But when I talk or show off my own work to them, they just view, don't reply and don't give a shit. I feel like some guy in the background.

Gruh... Anyway, I have much, much more to vent about, but y'know, I think that's enough personal shit out the way.

I am seeking counselling, but it's hard to keep up with on top of everything else. I hope it sorts things out though... I'm really done feeling this bad.
Do I need help? Yes. Yes I do.