A lot of my friends on here don’t really know much about this topic and many have been asking questions about certain things and why I hate august and why I’ve been depressed recently. Usually I try to keep away from the subject mostly because they brought back very painful memories and usually tried to shift the conversation away to something else to prevent a depressed reaction.

But about 5 years ago I got out of a relationship that started out great and worked good until some things happened.

It started out so randomly too. Me and  farm-fresh Ethan had been friends for a while, since about 2007 really. Met through Deviant art, we both wrote stories for a hobby and we started being friends with that bond, critiquing each other’s writings and pushing each other. We had so much in common and we clicked together so well.

Back then around 2010 when we decided to try things out, things were really confusing for me. Just graduated high school, making future plans, trying to figure out just who I was in my life. Things were so confusing, stressful, and weird. I was so naïve.

He was the first relationship I ever had with another guy, Had multiple relationships with chicks before but this was new too me really. To tell the truth I couldn’t have had a better friend to help me with this part in my life. He really helped me with my feelings and understanding of it all. Even though we were only together for three months there was a deep connection between us. We just worked well with each other before. We both supported each other, helped each other, were there for each other. Both before and during the relationship.

Good things never seem to last for me really I’ve noticed. The details of what went wrong between us are very complicated and involve one of his Ex’s coming back and basically he chose him over me. The situation was complicated, to put it mildly, Actions by both of us were reckless, words were said, and things happened. I felt betrayed and hurt as anyone in my position would have been. What was worse was the emotional support I felt from the relationship disappeared, and at the time I was kinda emotionally unstable and things went down hill. Most of the friends we had choose to take his side over me and I pretty much became ostracized from everyone I knew.

I kept most of what happened with me mentally secret. Bottling up emotions is very dangerous and can sometimes end in bad actions. My mood changed drastically afterwards for a while, I was greatly depressed and suffered three suicide attempts, all of which I kept hidden from my family.

Some times I wondered if he actually cared about what he did to me, the damaged he caused, the time I lost, the suffering I went through. He cut all contact with me and I’ve avoided him at all costs to save my sanity, I kept on having hope too that’s one of the worse things, a false hope that maybe he would come back, maybe he would apologize, maybe try to rebuild what we had and I know that there is no way he even cares. Probably went on and didn’t even feel anything. Sometimes I wonder if it was real, sometimes I question if I meant anything. The Answer seemed so obvious, at the time it was real and true the feelings we had.

I had beat myself up and blamed myself for everything, I felt like it was my fault. I was emotionally ruined for a good three years. It took therapy and the assistance of a good group of some new good friends to rehabilitate me back to being semi-sociable again. No where near where I was before. It held me back for a long time to even seek out any new relationships, and the few I had since never held up. A few I had actually worked for a while and I’m still friends with those ex’s.

Its been five years now. I have mostly recovered both emotionally and sociably. Stopped seeing my therapist about two years ago and the friends I have now have supported me through everything. It seems that all that remained; the only thing holding me down moving forward was to just forgive him. I wasted a good 5 years of my life picking up the pieces and rebuilding myself emotionally and mentally and now that I forgive him I feel I may finally be able to smile and move forward.

It also seemed like this was the one thing left that I had to fix in order to return back to writing again. Its almost like an emotional block that was holding me back from writing, but it seems that finally letting things go has freed my mind and I been working on writing again. Its slow but I’m getting back into the pace of things.

To all of you that have helped me, you know who you are and I thank each of you for all the support you have given me through all of this.